who's on judge mathis today? #116

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: sonji from hammond, indiana. oh, i am extremely familiar with hammond, indiana and its horseshoe casino. where else in the great middle west can you see peabo bryson on one night and average white band the next, then hit up a spectacular sunday brunch the next day??? mama looks fabulous, wearing a sleek and tasteful black pantsuit with a royal blue cowlneck blouse, her cascading waves swept to one side. she’s holding her accordion of truth™ upside down, which is a new twist! this show just loves to keep me on my toes!

defendant: chinyere from chicago, illinois. chinyere is wearing a teal scoopneck ¾ sleeve blouse and black pants, and she’s holding her accordion of truth™ out in front of her like a piece of armor. she also looks approximately 12 years old???? how do these women know each other?

the complaint: sonji is suing her son’s ex-girlfriend (ahh, there we go) for defamation of character, emotional distress, and vandalizing her home.

what does she want: $3000, wow! countersuit to further shred my mangled nerves: chinyere would like one thousand retaliatory dollars because sonji tried to get her fired from her job!

how it went down: sonji met chinyere in 2017, a month into chinyere’s romantic relationship with her son. chinyere would come over all the time to hang with him and she and sonji never had any problems with each other. it’s worth pausing here to note that the look on chinyere’s face makes me think they had, ummm, a shitload of problems with each other???? she’s standing at the defense podium with her arms crossed and a snarl on her lips, eyes rolling skyward every time the camera pans to her.

sonji says that her son and chinyere broke up after six months, and right before he dumped her to get back together with his child’s mother chinyere got his name tattooed on her body. as a person who has a large black sun inked over the initials of a distant ex-boyfriend, i absolutely am going to shut the fuck up with regards to this extremely poor decision! as chinyere glares straight ahead, sonji says that after they broke up her son blocked chinyere on all platforms and, as a result, chinyere began harassing her. she called her constantly on the telephone, she busted out her front window (sonji has a printed out cell phone photo™ of that), she egged her house (sonji has a printed out cell phone photo™ of that, too), and then chinyere texted sonji an apology (we have printed out text sheet™ evidence of that as well!!!) plus gave her $100 for damages. then she threatened to do it again.

sonji also has printed out facebook evidence™ of chinyere bragging about the damage she’d done to her house, and i am wondering at what point sonji tried to beat this girl’s ass or run her over with a car because she is surprisingly calm while relaying this harrowing story??? you know, the kind of calm you can only have after you’ve already burned somebody’s house down for the wild shit they did to you????? this must be what emotional maturity looks like. anyway, sonji pulls out a stack of kinko’s finest printer paper (goddamn, did she screenshot years’ worth of chinyere’s timeline??) but greg tells her to hold off so he can find out the other side of the story.

chinyere, who really does look like a cherub and has the voice of an angel, says that when she got the tattoo she and sonji’s son were still together and he was cheating on her with his baby’s mother. i’m not saying i understand why she egged his house and busted the windows out, BUT: bitch, i understand! chinyere says that yes, she busted sonji’s windows out, but it was because her son showed her text messages in which sonji was badmouthing her. a bit of an overreaction, if you ask me, but i digress. chinyere says that she only egged the house and busted the windows out once, even though sonji is accusing her of having vandalized her property two times.

sonji has more printed out facebook evidence™ in which chinyere posted her picture online and called her a bitch and a crackhead. chinyere rolls her eyes yet again and is calmly like, “well you told me you were a crackhead” and i don’t know why but i screamlaughed at that? i am a chickenshit so i try not to say anything too spicy online, especially since i can’t fight, so i literally cannot imagine outing someone’s crackish past where the whole internet can log on and see it??? after i already vandalized their home multiple times??????????? this girl has more nerve than a toothache!

the ruling: sonji hands greg another sheet and he proceeds to read one of chinyere’s posts that reads: “if you see this d— b— SHOOT HER. and when you’re done, spit on that dying h—.” well, okay, this case is officially a wrap! that’s so wildly disrespectful that i think my heart skipped a beat? i can’t imagine putting a death threat online is gonna bode well for young chinyere, which is a shame because she really is so snuggly and adorable! do we even need to address the counterclaim? you know the judge isn’t granting that shit, even before she reveals that she hasn’t brought any hard evidence that sonji ever approached her employer. judgment for the plaintiff, and i guess we’ll see chinyere down at the supermarket in the egg aisle.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: (imitating chinyere) “nope, don’t tell me why she talked bad about me, just get me a brick and we’ll settle this right now!”

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