plaintiff: nicole from san mateo, california. nicole is wearing a black cardigan over a royal blue shirt and black pants, her long brown hair parted down the center. nicole is very pretty, and she has these intimidating long, pointy nails that i am in awe of, because i sincerely cannot imagine accomplishing a single one of my daily tasks with those beautiful talons affixed to the ends of my fingers. shower, type, open a can of gin and tonic, light a candle, use the air conditioner remote, cook an egg, plug the lamp in, back the car out of the driveway: i couldn’t do any of it! anyway, hats off to this goddess.
defendant: adrian from daly city, california. adrian is tall and lean and walks like he’s wearing a full diaper, which is a look i am into. he’s wearing a grey suit with a seafoam green dress shirt and a shimmery green tie, and has a mostly-shaved head completed by what i would have referred to as “back bangs” in the 1980s??????? remember that? like when you left a very specific amount of hair out of your ponytail and bumped the ends under??? that’s what this dude has, except worse.
the complaint: nicole suing her ex-boyfriend for an unpaid loan and a bail bond.
what does she want: $3215. ol’ back bang is countersuing for $3000 for harassment, obviously to harass my nerves.
how it went down: nicole says she met adrian in august through a mutual friend and he immediately asked if they could start hanging out exclusively. nicole was basically like “what’s the rush???” but agreed to it because we live in a society that teaches women we should be grateful for even the slightest bit of male attention. nicole had an ominous feeling from the jump, and even though she’s “not the type to look through someone’s phone” she is the type to look through adrian’s phone and when she did she discovered at least 30 messages from other women. she doesn’t specify whether 30 women messaged him 1 time or 1 woman messaged him 30 times, so let your imagination do what it will with that!
nicole says the texts included several heart eye emojis and many money face emojis and that’s how she knew adrian was cheating on her. what’s the money face emoji? is that one of the ones only young people use??? like the lobster or the cool shades???????? HOW DO I UPDATE MY IOS!! nicole says she confronted adrian about the messages and he lied and told her they were all just from friends.
adrian says that nicole is obsessed with him, that they dated for a couple months and “got busy,” causing her to get “hooked” on him. this is disgusting, BUT: i wish there was some kind of test a person immediately had to take to prove that they are as good at sex as they are claiming, especially when they are using that assertion to insinuate that a person is “obsessed” with them. i don’t just mean on this stupid show, i mean, i wish every time you walked by someone on the street who was casually bragging on their prowess in bed you could stop and administer a test, like “simulate your fuck moves on this human-sized pillow i just happen to be carrying around so we all can judge for ourselves.” like how dare you call this woman dickmatized on syndicated television when there’s no real doll around for you to prove why!
nicole says she took adrian to a court date and afterward he needed to be bailed out of jail because he had a bench warrant? honestly, i don’t know how crime works and i’m not looking this shit up so just roll with it. seriously, i gotta take the garbage bin to the curb and preheat the oven, i don’t have time to go to internet law school! so let’s just say that is a thing that can happen. adrian calls nicole from jail and says “hey i have $4000 at home, can you get it and come bail me out and i’ll pay you back?” TUH. shoulda thought about all that before you wasted all your unlimited texts on either thirty relatively uninterested other women or one extremely overzealous one!
nicole got $2000 out of the bank and used $1215 of her waitressing tips to get adrian a bail bond. she bonded him out of jail and when she asked him to pay her back he said, “no, because you ain’t my bitch.” who could have seen that coming! adrian tells the judge that he thought it was a gift and says that when nicole asked him to pay her back he told her they’d never agreed to that. adrian says that nicole reached out to him every day, texting and calling him incessantly, asking when he was going to pay her. he hands the judge some printed out text sheets™ and yes, nicole is constantly begging him to pay her back, and adrian doesn’t respond to a single one of them. electric chair!
adrian’s countersuit for harassment is because nicole came to his house once to ask for her money, and he gives greg a sheet of paper that is supposed to prove his case but really is just hard evidence of his mistreatment of her????? i love me a stoner, i mean so many of my friends are both hardcore weedheads and truly incredible humans, but this dude (with his drowsy eyes and lazy speech peppered with uncontrollable giggles) is giving y’all a bad name! why would you print out texts that prove you’re a lying asshole in the first place, let alone bring them with you to court and then hand them over to the judge??? brain worms!
the ruling: greg says “by virtue of this circumstantial evidence, i’m going to conclude that he intended to pay you” like yeah, bitch, don’t forget i went to law school! let’s hope nicole gets her money from adrian before the dispensary does.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “money face emojis? does that mean he’s gonna trick with them?????”