who's on judge mathis today? #119

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: jama from indianapolis, indiana. hey neighbor! jama sashays into the courtroom in a pale pink dress shirt under a black blazer, which are both pushed up her arms to affect a kind of breeziness not usually found in greg’s courtroom, and she’s paired them with [drumroll please] LEATHER LEGGINGS. okay, jama! she’s got blunt-cut shiny black bangs and long hair, many gold chains, and the kind of bubblegum nude-pink lipstick that makes me feel like a child playing dress up whenever i’ve attempted it. her accordion of truth™ isn’t leather, but it is tight.

defendant: james from indianapolis, indiana. okay so i’d bone james. good lord, he is gorgeous. wowie wow. he’s tall and muscular in a tight black shortsleeved polo, tattoos up and down his arms and across his neck, with a tidy salt and pepper beard and dark acetate glasses. got damn, this dude is fine.

the complaint: jama is suing the defendant for unpaid rent. needless to say, i would have let him pay me in fucking.

what does she want: $1500!! i mean, could she not just bang him a few times and let the money go? what network can i pitch my idea for “sex court” to?

how it went down: jama says she met james in 2010 when she left the club and he was out front sitting on his motorcycle. my heart? IT JUST SKIPPED A COUPLE BEATS. first of all, i love the club. second, a man posted up outside it on his motorcycle looking tough and cool??? i would have married him immediately, without question. jama says she went up to james and introduced herself and gave him her phone number, which is a bold move she usually doesn’t make. me neither, but i get it. dude is built like a brick shithouse and fine as hell: you gotta shoot your shot!

but james was married at the time, and jama says she doesn’t do married men. alright, look at these scruples! what a nice, upstanding lady. jama says they ran into each other again in 2018, and james was in another relationship so nothing transpired other than a business relationship, i.e. his moving his things into her rental property. i wish that was a euphemism.

james says he met jama years ago (way back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, in 2004) on social media, on black planet to be specific, and boy the guttural scream that just erupted from my body??? sometimes i like to think i’m not that fucking old, but other times i’ll remember something like “bitch, you used to have sex with people you met on black planet dot com” and realize that oh yeah wait a minute i am actually a million years old????? THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. james! jama! hello from another person with a blingee profile pic who had to squint at pixelated dick pics on the miniature screen of a busted nokia flip phone!

james says that they didn’t officially meet in person until 2010, outside of the club where he was a promoter and a DJ. he says that jama and her friend came out of the club and his homeboy was like “hey, they’re cute!” so they all struck up a conversation, during which jama was like “wow you don’t remember me?” and james replied “i truly don’t” and then she refreshed his memory about having met her in a dusty old chatroom online. then james goes into this whole diversion about how he didn’t recognize jama because her internet pictures weren’t truly representative of how she looked in person. he doesn’t come right out and scream CATFISH but he says “you know what they do with the pictures and the filters” which, excuse me? sir??? in 2004?????? unless she was literally a graphic designer with an adobe suite on her gateway computer GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. ugh now he is ugly to me!

jama owns a property management company and a friend of hers called her up and said his brother was looking for a place, and lucky for him jama had one available! she arranged a walk-through and guess who showed up for the tour? that’s right, james. (with nev and max in tow, obviously.) they looked at the place, he liked it and wanted to rent it from her, but he said he was waiting for money from his prior landlord before he could put down a deposit. lmao well we know how that goes. i have rented many apartments and i’m not sure i have ever received my deposit back in time to put it toward a new apartment? first of all, i’ve never received it in full, period. there’s always some bullshit (the window screen has an imperceptible tear! there’s a microscopic chip in the kitchen floor tile!) that they find a way to dock you for, then it takes weeks (if not months) to issue a refund check. it’s a nightmare! this case is from october of last year and i bet james is still fucking waiting!!

james signed a lease anyway, despite not having the money, and when jama called him to collect it he gave her a list of things that were wrong with the property. i may have missed this but is he already living in the house? for free?? i refuse to run the tape back so let me see if i can figure out what’s going on! wait his complaints were that the siding was coming off and the tub wouldn’t drain, so yeah i guess he was living there. i’m sorry, WHAT. why did she let him move in? is it possible to be dickmatized by someone you haven’t slept with?

okay now dude is saying he never moved in and also never signed a lease, but jama says he signed one on november 1st. then james says he did sign a lease but he didn’t sign her lease. if this dude wasn’t so fine and his voice didn’t sound like warm honey on a cold day i would’ve thrown my computer into the lake eight minutes ago. what on earth is this foolishness and does anyone in the courtroom understand it?

the ruling: greg starts reading through their dueling leases. while he does so james launches into this story about he spent $1800 getting a plumber to come out and fix the standing water in the sinks and bathtub, but why he’d do that for a place he couldn’t move into that he claims he never signed a lease for is beyond me? he says that the november lease jama has in court isn’t the one he signed, that he signed a different one with a different management company a month later for the same property. okay, if that’s real and i buy it, what does the $1800 plumbing bill have to do with jama? his problem is with the company he claims to actually be leasing the apartment from!

you know what happens when people give greg too many confusing sheets of paper to read: he skims it for half a second then the case gets ruled on quick as hell so he doesn’t have to parse through any complicated details. the judge isn’t about to comb through twenty-two pages of legally binding rental agreements! what he will do? use jama’s printed out text sheet™ in which james wrote “i owe you” as proof and rule in her favor. judgment for little photoshop of horrors!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “oh, you did sign a lease? sounds like we’re about to bust this case wide open!”

*bangs gavel*

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