plaintiff: latia from akron, ohio. my darkskinned nubian goddess strides into the room with her hair in waves cascading past her shoulders in a sleeveless black dress, her accordion of truth™ clutched in the manicured hand she is holding in front of her torso. latia is highlighted and glistening for the gods, and maybe i’m just old but every time i try to attempt “dewy” i just look “damp” or “greasy” and just worry that whoever is looking at me will be distracted by their reflection in my gleaming nose. every time i try to “look fresh” on a zoom call some asshole is like “sam...are you wet?” and they don’t mean it the sexy way. anyway, latia is pulling it off. she is glossed.
defendant: rashaad from akron, ohio. how big is akron? do you think these two know lebron??? anyway, rashaad is wearing fitted reddish-brown pants and a black dress shirt and he has a fairly impressive chinstrap beard? it looks good! hirsute men, take note: bring chinstrap beards back.
the complaint: latia is suing her “immature, jobless ex-boyfriend” (uh oh) for wrecking her car!
what does she want: $1700
how it went down: latia says she met rashaad two and a half years ago when her friend was dating his brother. she says she should have known the type of person he was from the beginning because the first night they hung out his phone was buzzing nonstop and there was a woman banging on his door and screaming all night. lads, when are we gonna learn to stop looking these gift horses in their mouths? “woman banging and screaming” is literally all you need to know. save yourself some trouble! the woman got into the house and rashaad hid in the bathroom until his brother eventually came home and removed her. greg asks if that kind of thing stopped over the course of their relationship and latia says no and girl, WHAT??? i refuse to believe there is an orgasm this good!
rashaad starts off by saying “she’s obsessed with me, man” and greg is like “i ain’t ya man” and then asks rashaad how old he is, and my man is twenty-one years old aka technically an infant! greg launches into a whole thing about how you can’t expect anyone under the age of 30 to settle down and while i absolutely agree i do not believe that’s the case we’re litigating today? latia’s not here trying to figure out why he was a shitty boyfriend she’s here to get some money on her car.
okay so latia regularly let rashaad borrow her car to run errands in while she was at work. one day he called her and said that he’d totaled the car and needed her to call a tow truck. according to rashaad, he was driving the car, going about 30 mph, when all of a sudden the car completely shut off in the middle of the intersection. radio, battery, engine, BOOM. he said that all he could do was sit there and brace for impact. jesus, that’s terrifying. one of the tires on our old car blew out on one of these backwoods ass country roads and i was all alone in the car, and even though the only immediate danger i faced was from a couple bored horses up the road at a farm it still scared the shit out of me to completely lose control of a moving vehicle! i can’t imagine if that had happened in the middle of a busy street!!!
greg asks latia if she was current on her car note and at first i was like “excuse me???” but then greg said that some car places have a thing built in so that if you get behind on your payments they can flip a switch and the car just stops fucking working and i would like to remind everyone that BEING POOR IS NOT A CRIME. you can either be poor or have dignity but obviously not both, ugh. anyway, latia says that her car was paid up and the crash was rashaad’s fault and he agreed to help her pay for the damages and so he owes her. rashaad, of course, disagrees because he says her raggedy car was the problem and not him. as much as it pains me to side with someone who has both youth and beauty on his side, i could see not believing him if dude had been out joyriding or whatever but literally no one would chose to be crashed into on all sides after breaking down in front of the grocery store or whatever!
the ruling: latia hands greg a bunch of printed out text sheets™ to prove rashaad agreed to pay her back and he literally gasps, then starts shaking his head. just shaking and shaking and shaking his head in pure disgust. LATIA GAVE THE HONORABLE GREGORY ELLIS MATHIS A DICK PIC, Y’ALL. i’m screaming!!!!!!!!!! was there no cut and paste function at the kinko’s she went to????? why would you show the judge a picture of this young man’s wiener??????????? greg’s pure virgin eyes! i am aghast, but also mo’nique-i-would-like-to-see-it dot gif! rashaad agreed, in writing, to pay latia back in either seventeen hundred dollars or dicks (we’ll never truly know), so judgment for the plaintiff.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: (referring to linda, his wife) “she said i got her before she could date anybody else and i said, ‘don’t let me stop you! if you can find somebody to do for you what i do for you? you need to go. if there’s something out there better than me you need to get it!’”
*bangs gavel*