plaintiff: kaitlyn from indianapolis, indiana. my goth, heavy metal QUEEN. kaitlyn has that teal-ish/gray-ish mermaid hair the youths are fond of these days, along with gauges in her ears, elaborate black winged eyeliner, pointy black nails, an all-black outfit, and very cool tattoos. this is absolutely how i would dress if i had loving parents to disappoint who would also bail me out of any trouble i got myself into and provide money to support me well into adulthood. i was listening to flyleaf (remember them?) earlier today, jamming out to a little hardcore christian rock, and in my head kaitlyn is what i looked like.
defendant: cameron from indianapolis, indiana. cameron looks like exactly what you think this girl’s boyfriend would look like. i almost cannot believe they aren’t extras from a lost sons of anarchy episode. they’re too perfect!
the complaint: kaitlyn is suing her ex-boyfriend for an unpaid loan, as well as emotional distress following their tumultuous breakup.
what does she want: $2656, to which she maybe should’ve added ten bucks to fit the spooky goth vibe? what can i say, i love staying on brand!
how it went down: kaitlyn starts crying almost immediately, saying that she and cameron dated for two years and she was super in love with him and she caught him messaging a woman and looking at her nudes on instagram. at first i was like “well isn’t that the point of instagram?” but kaitlyn clarifies that this is a woman cameron works with and she was sending him nudes in a private instagram chat, a woman whom he was calling “sexy” in their texts. okay! got it! electric chair!
kaitlyn says she forgave cameron but they decided to take a monthlong break so she could think about things. cameron said that, to him, looking at those pictures was the same as looking at porn but come on, sir: when i’m finished masturbating to a crusty magdalene st. michaels vhs tape it’s not like i have to worry about running into her at the coffee shop around the corner from the office we share????? beautiful porn ladies exist in a fantasy world inside your phone, not in the cubicle six feet from yours! kaitlyn told cameron that she wanted to get back with him but established three ground rules: 1 not somebody you know 2 not somebody you have attainable access to 3 not somebody on your social media. easy enough, right?
two weeks later kaitlyn checked his instagram again (listen sister, if you gotta do all this snooping and shit you should already know the answer is *in my crissle voice* BREAK UP WITH HIM, i mean come on who are you fooling!) and discovered that he’d paid a woman $12 “for a video of her having sex with herself.” love this woke king paying for sex work but i gotta ask, does this grown ass man just have absolutely no idea what pornography is????
cameron says that everything kaitlyn has alleged thus far is accurate and i am absolutely gobsmacked. who gives a shit about what you jerk off to, literally who fucking cares, but you gotta be a real fucking asshole to be so reckless about it when you know your behavior looks suspicious and crosses an established boundary of your partner’s. just total scumbag behavior to be like “ok i know she doesn’t want me to see my coworker’s titties but let me leave them on my phone that she is definitely gonna look through because that is a stipulation to which i agreed in order to remain in this relationship.” maybe i’m just feeling soft because kaitlyn is crying her heart out behind the plaintiff podium over this dude with an undercut who looks like a steve wilkos show security guard, but he couldn’t find any other breasts on earth to not ~technically~ cheat on her with?????????????
dabbing her eyes with a napkin, kaitlyn says that over the years she’s helped cameron with rent, lawyer fees, utility bills, you name it. she kept notes on all of it, and when they broke up they sat down and wrote a contract. she pulls a stack of papers out of her accordion of truth™, truly more paperwork than i had to sign to lease a fucking car! the total he owed was $1425, which he agreed to pay off at the rate of $25 a month. i’m no mathematician so i googled 1425/25, stared at the number 57 for like ten whole fucking minutes like “IT’S GONNA TAKE HIM FIFTY-SEVEN YEARS TO PAY HER BACK????” before realizing i’m a fucking idiot and dividing that by 12, which equals 4.75 years. it’s a special kind of torture to have to stay in contact with your ex for almost five fucking years for a goddamn gas bill or whatever??? lmao absolutely not.
in the contract kaitlyn wrote that if he was in breach, if cameron was even one day late with a payment, then fuck a payment plan, she was gonna take his ass to small claims court to get her money. he was a day late, and she made good on her promise. cameron concedes, again, that this is the truth.
the ruling: the emotional distress kaitlyn wants is essentially for getting broken up with in a harsh way by a moron, and did you know you can’t sue someone for that? shit, if you could??? i’d be at the front door of the supreme court right fucking now! me, john ______, and neil gorsuch arguing about blowjobs and phone bills or whatever. anyway, greg throws that part out but duh dude admitted that he owes her, so judgment for the plaintiff, and unencumbered instagram booty for the defendant.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: not today, BUT: there’s a guy fieri lookalike who is regularly in attendance of the show and he’s in the courtroom today! when i saw him for the third or fourth time i was just like “oh he came for a taping and they split the cases up and put them on different episodes” because that’s what happened when i went, but this time i noticed that he was wearing a different outfit and sitting in a different seat and it’s clear that he has been in the audience on multiple occasions???? anyway, i was scrolling through some youtube comments to see if anyone mentioned it and several people did, but this one was my favorite: “Is nobody going to mention FLAVOR TOWN to the left of the Plaintiff? Ya'll crazy.”