plaintiff: stephanie from diamond bar, california. stephanie is wearing a dusty rose blazer over a black catsuit???? (it’s hard to tell) and her hair is slicked back in a ponytail, plus her nails are an exact match to her blazer, which is a really nice touch! stephanie’s accordion of truth™ is bound tight.
defendant: rai from orange, california. wait a minute, y’all really have a town that’s just called “orange” or is this some witness protection shit? no shade, but that’s weird! imagine someone asks where you’re from and you have to say “orange” while they stand there expectantly waiting for you to say the name of a real place. how awkward! i’m not googling it because this newsletter does not believe in FACTS but wow i can’t get over it. honestly thought, who cares. what the fuck do i know? stupid ass samantha irby from blue, illinois.
the complaint: stephanie has known rai since elementary school and they lost touch but reconnected years later. she is suing him for the cost of disneyland tickets. OH NO, DISNEY PEOPLE.
what does she want: $675! i’m sorry, WHAT. does this get 17 people into disneyland because if not, are you shitting me???
how it went down: stephanie says she met rai in 2006 in elementary school and please excuse me while i go JUMP OFF A FUCKING BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hello???????? i started elementary school in 1984 this is a crime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! look, i have no problem being 87 years old, BUT: there’s something about young people saying the dates of things that really turns my brain to scrambled eggs! i already had grandchildren in 2006! young people keep being young and having fun but if you could please not talk about taking your first steps to “sexyback” i would absolutely love that!
okay so stephanie and rai met the year i had my first hip replacement but lost touch when they parted ways to go to separate middle schools. they reconnected in 2017 when he invited stephanie out for drinks and and put his hand on her thigh despite having a girlfriend. they continued to hang out, as friends, and he continued to hit on her. stephanie says that he even tried to “get at [her]” the night before in whatever budget hotel judge mathis books (personally, i presume) for his distinguished guests!
greg, who is always messy as hell, asks what exactly rai said to her last night. man, this dude is always starting shit and i love it. stephanie said that she met rai at a bar and rai was hugging all on her and she was like “damn man, you’re killing my game, you know?” good for her! rai says that when he first met stephanie she was “a loudmouth, a bully, and annoying.” okay first of all i forgot to mention that rai is cute. second, he has a nice voice! but now that that’s out the way do we really have to go through the rest of our miserable lives defined by our little dogshit personalities from the third grade?? a follow up, your honor: do you get to cite said flaws after you tried your damnedest to bone a person?
am i dumb and irritating? absolutely yes! do you get to call me that if you have ever propositioned me for sex? i mean, maybe? but not to my fucking face!!! rai says that stephanie actually came to his room the night before? she interjects to say that she just wanted to eat pizza and when she showed up rai was in his underwear, to which greg snapped, “they didn’t have napkins in your hotel room?????” these stories are wildly different but who cares because all i’m wondering is where she got the pizza from. i hope it was malnati’s!
okay okay i guess the pizza was a precursor to the bar but honestly who cares. rai says he doesn’t like stephanie, she says he does, and now we’re all back in fourth grade, eating paste and pissing our pants in gym class. okay this refund: rai sold stephanie some disneyland tickets that were previously used. what??? stephanie bought some disneyland tickets from rai, bundled up her kid and cousins, drove out to disneyland, and when they got there the tickets weren’t scanning. OH MY GODDDDDDD?? electric chair! i’m already having a panic attack imagining the line building behind them, furious people in goofy hats leaning on their horns under the sweltering orange california sun, desperate to get in and get to the teacups, as stephanie helplessly holds out her passes and the scanning person scans them over and over again to no avail. i am starting to sweat!
stephanie called rai and asked him to send her a picture with a clear barcode. he told her that he was already on the phone with disneyland, which makes this shit fishy as fuck. he was already on the phone with mickey mouse when stephanie called? i mean, i love a scam but the thing is they have to work. stephanie wasn’t going to just turn around and let her family down so she bought full price tickets and they enjoyed their day. rai promised to get things figured out and to reimburse her not only for the money she’d paid him but also for the full price tickets she’d been forced to pay for.
rai says he’d purchased the tickets from someone and had no idea they’d been used the weekend before, and we’ve already established that i am old and i know ticketmaster sucks but this is why i’d rather sit on hold and pay exorbitant fees or whatever because if a scalped ticket doesn’t work and i have to listen to muffled strains of metallica sitting out on the curb in front of the venue i would be inconsolable! the last concert i went to was last may, florence and the machine in detroit, and yes i wore mom jeans and yes we got there so early the stage wasn’t even put together yet but my point is i was inside and seated not outside and furious!
the ruling: greg is confused as to how this happened (and frankly so am i) and the answer is, duh, email! i didn’t even think about that and, yes bitch, before you even ask, i am the person who pays the extra $2.50 for the venue to mail me a hard copy of my ticket. what if the app doesn’t work! or my phone dies! these are not risks i am willing to take!
stephanie hands the judge printed out emails from rai that don’t really prove that other people used them but rai admitted that he sent the same tickets both to stephanie and to another friend. busted! rai’s defense for not having paid stephanie is some garbled nonsense about “she should’ve taken care of her kid and her bills and not gone to disneyland” and dude, come on. just admit you got caught being a dickhead and tried to double your money on some disneyland tickets, don’t make the fact that she actually wants the money she wasted because of you back some kind of character flaw? you got caught, it sucks, pay up. judge mathis agrees!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “what did he do exactly last night? i wanna hear this! he knocked on the door? he called you? he said, ‘hey, we’re here in chicago, lemme feel on that thigh?????’ what did he say???”