plaintiff: kathy from wapakoneta, ohio. kathy looks like your average third grade teacher: purple A-line dress with a little cropped modcloth-style jacket, sheer pantyhose, dark glasses, bright blush, and long hair with bangs. in addition to an accordion of truth™ kathy has a bright purple folder that matches her dress and wouldn’t be the least bit out of place in a classroom full of eight-year-olds.
defendant: christopher from lima, ohio. when i say christopher comes barreling through the courtroom doors????? picture smoke coming off his heels. my man is pressed. christopher is wearing his groomsmen costume from his cousin’s wedding four years ago, a black pant and vest combo with a royal blue shirt and maroon tie. his mohawk is crisp but his accordion of truth™ is crispier.
the complaint: kathy is suing her ex-boyfriend for the cost of a phone and insurance.
what does she want: $338??? ABSOLUTELY NOT, miss mamas!
how it went down: kathy says that she met christopher after he and her father sang karaoke together at the shamrock and her father showed him her facebook. god, i long for a life like this. my dad hanging at the local watering hole, drunkenly warbling old lou rawls tunes and trying to show a grainy picture of his homely daughter to unsuspecting gentlemen while i sit home knitting or whatever? sign me the fuck up!
anyway christopher messaged kathy on facebook and asked her to go on a date with him to subway. everybody in the courtroom starts laughing but fuck that shit their tuna is delicious and the amount of time it takes to eat one of those gymnastic mat sandwiches is the perfect length of time for a first goddamn date. what if he sucks? you wanna eat a five course tasting menu across from a fucking asshole or do you want to eat a meatball sub in three bites and go on about the rest of your day?
kathy and christopher started dating and she says he asked to move in immediately and she let him. he then asked her to buy him a computer, which she did, then a year later he wanted to be on the lease of her apartment and be part-owner of her trailer. kathy says everything was cool for the most part until christopher called the neighbor a “bitch” over some dog poop. “was he talking about the dog??” greg asks, and sadly he was not!
christopher says, while pulling an entire ream of paper from his straining accordion of truth™, that if he’d known then what he knows now he never would’ve gotten with kathy. but what can he say, he just loves older women! (how dare this man, who is dressed like a cater waiter at a party in hell, try to shade this milf!) you know the judge don’t play that insulting women shit, and he says, “she looks younger than you!” someone give greg a feminism award! christopher says that kathy is very vindictive and violent, which he can prove with the background check he’s brought with him to court today. excuse me??????? he has a constitution-length stack of papers with him! that’s a background check???
the background check apparently says that kathy stabbed someone with a fork, that there are numerous instances of domestic violence against her ex-husband, and that she’s had multiple restraining orders filed against her. man, this old bitch don’t play. talk about a wolf in sheep’s clothing, damn. also when she and christopher broke up she “got with [his] best friend.” while she was dating that dude, apparently kathy “turned the gas on on him, even though she knows he smokes cigarettes and doesn’t have a sense of smell.” ummm, isn’t that ATTEMPTED MURDER? maybe this should be in actual court!!!
laughing, kathy says that her behavior was justified because that old boyfriend had thrown a sandwich at her. uh, is subway sponsoring this show now? am i watching the sequel to bad santa??? what the hell is all this sandwich talk????? greg is flipping through the background check and asks christopher why he wouldn’t just pay kathy her money since he just handed him thirty pages of violence. okay but like, isn’t there a three-strike rule? i feel like someone would put me under a jail before i even got to the bottom of violence page one! is the key to getting away with violent crime dressing up like someone’s grandmother while you do it?
christopher says he agreed to pay her until kathy decided to shut the phone off when he needed it to call his bosses. kathy has a bunch of bills with her showing that the bill was never paid, but she’s not suing christopher for those bills, she’s suing him for the actual phone? this is confusing but let’s just go with it. also, have i done this case before? it seems oddly familiar, but maybe it’s just the way these cases all seem oddly familiar? my brain is swiss fucking cheese and i cannot keep a single thought in my head for longer than a minute, so if this is a repeat 1 i apologize and 2 i hope i at least made different jokes this time.
the ruling: dude owes her for the phone. christopher agreed to pay for it, kathy says so and he admits it, but he’s mad because she cut the service off so now the phone is “a paperweight.” yeah man, that’s what happens when you don’t own your phone! judgment for the plaintiff, who says afterward that she’s glad the judge could see christopher is not “all that and a bag of chips.” someone get the subway marketing people on the horn, my goodness.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “he moved in right away??? wow that must have been a pretty good footlong!”