plaintiff: devina from apollo, pennsylvania. devina looks like shiv roy if she were president of your local parent teacher organization rather than the fictional object of my lust: perfectly styled strawberry blonde hair, crisp black dress shirt, sharply ironed grey slacks. how on earth did devina find out about this show???
defendant: jessica from apollo, pennsylvania. now this is more like it. jessica is wearing a royal blue tunic with daytime leggings and her hair looks like she ran a comb through it in the minivan on the way to take kayden to soccer while screaming over her shoulder for brianna to get her dance shoes on.
the complaint: devina says she gave money to jessica to save her house but instead of repaying it lmaoo she went on a shopping spree.
what does she want: $2085 for a loan, a 401k fee, and emotional distress.
how it went down: devina says she’s known jessica for over 12 years and their kids grew up together in scouts (i knew it!) and she’s even given her free bricks for her fireplace (excuse me?), so clearly they were friends. hahahaha i fucking hate everyone. imagine someone throwing free bricks in your face (again, so??????) as a sign of how good of a friend they are to you! wild! in 2018 devina felt bad for jessica because her husband was leaving her and she was going to lose her house, so she took out a loan on her 401k to help her.
devina says that in the meantime, jessica was posting on facebook that she was going on shopping sprees and “going out to see magicians.” i don’t know, girl, that might not be the flex you’re making it out to be? that sounds mostly sad! devina hands greg a bunch of printed out facebook posts™ that apparently illustrate that on black friday, when jessica was supposed to be paying devina back, she was out shopping. then greg launches into a story about how one of his relatives called him for a loan to get his teeth fixed, and when greg sent him the money he slipped and mentioned how he was about to take a cross country road trip. more nerve than a toothache!
listen man, maybe you shouldn’t be posting on social media if you owe somebody money and *checks notes* decide to stand in the cold in the middle of the night to wrestle with other wine moms for a discounted dvd player, BUT: if that’s the kind of thing that’s going to bother you then bitch don’t give your money away! isn’t there some old adage about never loaning out more than you can afford to lose? it’s okay to say no! even if you feel bad turning her down, doesn’t it feel worse to make yourself sick scrolling through your friend’s instagram counting all the ways you think she’s spending your money?? do yourself and your nerves a favor and tell her you’re broke!
jessica has a bunch of printed out text sheets™ with a bunch of printed out text messages from devina threatening her and talking shit about her, and greg starts to feel bad but then checks the dates on the texts and is like “this is from april, and you were supposed to pay her in november? what did you want her to say, that she loves you very much???” jessica says that her irs refund got snatched up by the student loan people in february so she couldn’t pay her with that, and also says her paychecks are short because the student loan people take 15% of those, too. serious question: is college worth it? i mean, sure, i don’t know anything at all, but i also don’t have navient going through all my pants pockets scavenging for loose change. ignorance is truly bliss!
the ruling: jessica hasn’t paid devina shit and says she had every intention of paying her back until devina started texting her calling her a bitch or whatever. and i get that but devina didn’t start with the texts until jessica was already five months late, and i know some assholes who would camp out on your couch if you don’t pay them back in five minutes. greg says that’s why you should only give money away, maybe 10-20% of what they ask for, and it should be an amount you’re comfortable with losing because chances are if it’s a friend or a family member you are never ever ever gonna get that money back. people are just shitheads! and they know there isn’t gonna be a real consequence because what are you going to do, bum rush her on the field after peewee football? no! you’re gonna shit on her at book club or in the group chat and that’s fine! jessica has no defense other than “i didn’t want to” so judgment for bargain shiv.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “i must have loaned more money than you. my money went cross country, but yours only went to walmart!”