who's on judge mathis today? #128

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: cathy from rockford, illinois. MY QUEEN. first of all, i went to northern illinois for a couple semesters and the closest metro area was rockford, so we got all of the local rockford stations, which before then i hadn’t even known was a thing? i assumed everybody just got the same chicago channels! so this was the first time i had ever been exposed to ~regional news~ and wow, what an experience! there’s no bigger joy in life than turning on a latenight newscast and seeing that the top story is “area boy scouts raise $32 during bake sale” or whatever. a few years ago the big investigative story of the night was whether or not breaking the seal is real??? and while that is extremely important information i was like, hold up does no one get murdered here???????? okay let me get back on track, CATHY??? a vision! a goddess!! mama sashays into the courtroom wearing a rhinestone-encrusted black tank under a gauzy sheer gown-shawl hybrid, stacks of shiny silver bracelets, loops of necklaces, enormous white hoop earrings, and a pair of gigantic black acetate statement glasses of my dreams!!!!!!!!!! i kneel before her!

defendant: jaydin from rockford, illinois. does impeccably good style just run in this family? boy, when black people get dressed? we get dressed. jaydin is wearing a monochromatic black dress shirt and slacks (he matched his blacks for television!) with a stunning royal blue bowtie. casket sharp, baby. who is this young man and can he come makeover my closet???

the complaint: cathy’s grandson busted out her car windows (excuse me???) and she is suing him for a loan and toll fees.

what does she want: $635! now, ordinarily i would side eye this nominal fee, BUT: i love teaching surly, disrespectful teens a lesson so i’ll allow it. jaydin is countersuing (please, lord, why must you test me????) for $100. i am going to cry.

how it went down: cathy kicks it off by telling the judge “i was on your show eleven years ago; a lady sued me for a curling iron, a chicken wing, and milk” and yes, i would absolutely die for this woman. bitch, what an icon! i’m smitten!!! cathy says she and her grandson had a great relationship until he got a girlfriend when he was 16 and immediately started disrespecting her. isn’t that how it always goes? your high school crush allows you to feel on her booty a couple times and all of a sudden you wanna get spunky with your mama. no, sir!

cathy says she let jaydin move in with her to finish his final year of high school, and everything was cool until one day he asked to borrow her car to take his girlfriend to work, and when she said no he walked outside and smashed her car windows out. um, that’s a little extreme, right? what kind of hulk shit is this kid on??? cathy says she called the police on jaydin but she didn’t press charges because he was set to graduate the next week and she didn’t want to mess up his future. greg asks if jaydin graduated and cathy says he did, and that he now has a job and his own place (and, hopefully, car).

jaydin says “i love my grandma, your honor, but she got a bad temper. she even got kicked out of a church!” CATHY I LOVE YOU. greg asks what cathy did at church to get herself the boot and jaydin says that she got into an argument with a woman during service and threatened to “go into her trunk,” which greg informs doyle the bailiff means that she was about to go get a gun. at church??? *chef’s kiss* greg asks cathy if it’s true that she got kicked out and she says “they didn’t put me out that church!” and greg’s eyes are like really????? and then cathy drops her head and says “well...they put me outta that church.” i am full on hysterically crying at this.

jaydin says that cathy also was banned from his elementary school for beating up his aunt on school property one day when she came to pick him up, and yes this is very funny but also maybe i have a deeper understanding now of why his first course of action when he got pissed off about the car was to bust the fucking windows out.

cathy got a loan for jaydin so he could pay his rent. cathy says she didn’t want to do it, but she also didn’t want him to come back and live with her, so she went to the cash store on a monday and got the loan for him. they gave her $560 and cathy gave jaydin “all but a hundred dollars” (yes, i had to stop and do the math, shut up!) on the spot. jaydin agreed to pay cathy fifty dollars a month and she says he didn’t even pay her fifty cents! as for the tolls, cathy says that same damn night she took the loan out she came home from bingo (my heart!) and in her mailbox was a toll fee jaydin had gotten in her car going back and forth to chicago (those godforsaken tolls on 90 get me every time, too!) to hang out with his friends. jaydin says he’s not the only one who uses her car so that’s not his toll.

jaydin says he did ask his grandma for $575 to pay his rent, but when they came out of the loan place she only gave him $475 so he shouldn’t have to pay the entire balance back! greg agrees and asks him why he hasn’t paid back the $475 then, and jaydin says “because my grandma keeps asking for $575!” listen, he’s probably too scared to go near her for fear that she’ll pop her trunk! as for jaydin’s $100 counterclaim, he is suing cathy for the $100 she kept from the loan she took out for him (i had to reread that sentence twelve times to make sure it makes sense) because he had to borrow a hundred dollars from somebody else to make his rent. greg is like, HELLO?????? “you’re suing her for her own money?? case dismissed!” and i’m laughing so hard i can’t even type. fuck it, i’m moving to rockford.

the ruling: the charge for the missed toll is $175 and i’m sorry but the roads in illinois are not good enough to justify this exorbitant charge! i wouldn’t pay that shit, either! but they have to, otherwise cathy’s license is gonna be suspended and fuck that, she’s gotta get to bingo! greg believes that jaydin is the one who borrowed her car and drove it to chicago, so judgment for cathy. except: cathy did the math wrong and is actually owed $650 for both the loan and the toll. greg asks her if she wants the total amount due or the amount she asked for and cathy responds “can i get my interest???” and greg can’t even keep a straight face, she’s perfect.

judgment for the plaintiff, for “the amount she asked for.” jaydin turns to leave and some old black lady in the audience (trust me, game recognize game) calls out, “BOY, GO HUG YOUR GRANDMA!” and he walks over and gives her a big hug and the crowd goes “aww” and i’m not kidding, miss cathy, i will see you at a bingo hall near you as soon as we’re all safely vaccinated and can go outside!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “he called you an old...b-word? you didn’t kill him? you shoulda!”

*bangs gavel*

want me to draw you a cat butt?