who's on judge mathis today? #130

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: chelsea from chicago, illinois. chelsea is wearing a very powerful-looking black pinstriped miniskirt career lady suit, her auburn hair freshly pressed and curled, silver hoops glinting under the punishing courtroom lights. chelsea is so shiny and cute, i just want to put her in my pocket!

defendant: kenyatta from chicago, illinois. omg these ladies are fucking gorgeous and you know i love when pretty people have petty fights! kenyatta is wearing a royal blue pantsuit with a white blouse and white pumps, the platinum tips of her feathered hair swishing around her face as she glides into the courtroom. can these two star in a remake of 9-to-5??? somebody call the president of hollywood!

the complaint: chelsea was hired to promote kenyatta’s business online and says she failed to pay her for doing so.

what does she want: $250????? grrrr, she either has to admit that she just wants to smack her in the face OR she just wanted to be on TV. at least they didn’t have to waste any time getting on a plane! kenyatta is countersuing for $2500 (there we go!) but the announcer doesn’t say what it’s for!

how it went down: chelsea is talking so fast that my computer started smoking as i was trying to type??? anyway, she: went to college in mississippi, got her bachelor’s degree in fine art with a concentration in graphic design, worked for tv and print publications in both mississippi and tenessee, met a nail artist who told her she should get into lash design, moved back to chicago to go to beauty school in bronzeville, obtained her state license to become a professional lash artist, started working in the strip club lashing up the strippers, worked her way to the top of being a well-known lash artist, is also an actress. i’m not fucking kidding when i say that she said all of these things in approximately five seconds, and no i did not go back to verify any of it but honestly i’m pretty sure i got this right.

chelsea met kenyatta through a friend of hers at a mix and mingle event in march 2019. kenyatta says that she is an entrepreneur and real estate investor and a hair loss specialist. no shade but this is why i don’t the entrepreneurial spirit, because you gotta have like five different hustles plus the kind of imagination that can dream up new ones and the skills to figure out taxes and incorporation and no thank you please just show me where to punch in and what time to take my break!

chelsea says that after she met kenyatta they hung out again and kenyatta signed a contract to pay chelsea $250 to be a sponsor for chelsea’s upcoming event. that’s another thing i’m too exhausted to do, go to/throw events all the fucking time. isn’t the sweet shit about owning your own business that you can just sit in your office doing crossword puzzles or whatever! why all the “mingling” and “talk?” kenyatta’s $250 was supposed to buy her promo and logo a spot on all the event’s social media, posters, fliers, and radio promotion, all of which chelsea did. chelsea says that kenyatta paid her the money but then reversed the payment and told her she would bring it to her in cash, which she never did, which is why they are in court today.

kenyatta says that she never saw let alone signed a contract with chelsea. she says that the piece of paper greg is reading (provided by chelsea) is an application, not a contract. kenyatta says that she sent chelsea a paypal payment and then launches into a weird explanation of how you have to accept a payment and chelsea never did that so she reversed the payment or something something blah blah blah and yes i am an absolute moron but i don’t think this sounds right? also, if her defense is that she never signed a contract why did she send her money to begin with???

greg asks why she doesn’t think she should pay for the promotion chelsea has already given her (earlier chelsea gave greg a bunch of posters and fliers and shit from her accordion of truth™ that prove kenyatta’s boutique’s logo was indeed on them) and kenyatta says because she doesn’t believe her business was promoted and that she didn’t complete all the things in her application. greg counts seven separate printouts (social media posts, ads, etc) in which chelsea advertised her event and included kenyatta’s logo, posts/ads that were widely spread and retweeted and displayed during the event itself. even if chelsea didn’t cross one t or dot one i, what do she think $250 buys her???????

kenyatta has one printed out instagram post™ as proof that chelsea didn’t do enough, and greg says “oh okay let me show you all the other ones!” and folks this case is a fucking wrap! kenyatta says she never saw any of the posts because chelsea didn’t tag her in them or hashtag the posts or anything, and yeah i guess that sucks but 1 girrrrrrrrl chelsea brought an overwhelming amount of proof and 2 are we still just talking about $250??????

the ruling: uh oh, chelsea brought audio evidence! on the taped conversation you can clearly hear kenyatta say “i’m not going to call the bank or deal with paypal, i will put the money in your hand.” that’s all greg needed to hear, i guess, because he starts shuffling his papers and putting them back in their folder in the universal gesture of “i’m done with this shit.” kenyatta is just speechless, and the look on her face is heartbreaking because it’s clear that she never even considered she was being recorded, and now she and the (very narrow daytime television viewing) world are listening to this incriminating evidence together for the first time!

ughhh it’s so uncomfortable! i feel bad for her! kenyatta tries to defend herself by saying chelsea broke some sort of social media rule by neglecting to tag her but the judge is done with this damn case. “you just woke up one morning and decided you wanted your money back?” greg asks on his way out of the room. “well, you can go back to sleep! judgment for the plaintiff!”

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you got a man? is he a scrub??? don’t ever waste your time with a scrub. you wouldn’t believe how many times doyle’s wife calls me telling me i better come get him!”

*bangs gavel*

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