who's on judge mathis today? #132

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: amanda from valparaiso, indiana. amanda is wearing one of those fake wrap shirts i used to get tricked into buying, the kind you see online and think “ooh! i love wrapping things tightly around these pendulous bags of wet sand hanging from my clavicle!” only to have the thing show up and it’s a stretchy piece of triangle-shaped fabric sewn on top of a slight smaller one to create the illusion of a wrap top??? a crime, truly! anyway, hers is made of alternating blue and white stripes and she’s covered it with a periwinkle cardigan and she looks nice.

defendant: randy from valparaiso, indiana. randy is wearing a too-big standard-issue pale blue dress shirt with a plaid blue tie, his salt and pepper mustache and hair neatly combed for his appearance in court today. he has made the bold choice to show up completely empty handed, not a wallet or even a chapstick in sight, which i respect.

the complaint: amanda dated the defendant for five years and she’s suing him for several loans.

what does she want: $3310

how it went down: amanda says she met randy in 2005 through a a mutual friend and they hit it off, then they reconnected in 2015 and started dating. he bought her a little kitty cat (that is a terrible gift, don’t ever buy pets for people!) and everything was seemingly cool. they had some ups and down, broke up and made up, and now i think they’re back together? idk both of them are mumbling and it’s hard to follow the timeline but let’s hope they clear it up as we get deeper into the case.

omg can we talk about the wide variety of batshit commercials on daytime tv? so far i’ve considered trying to sign up for colonial penn, a used gun and/or guitar from the pawn shop a few miles up the road, and oh-oh-oh-ozempic. it’s so depressing! okay we’re back and amanda says she’s suing randy for a bunch of different things. first she wants the $550 that her parents loaned him to pay for his truck, and she’d also like the $500 randy borrowed from her father without telling her, plus a handful of miscellaneous loans from her brother that add up to $750, plus the balance of what she’s asking for, all small loans that she’s made to randy over the years.

the judge asks if amanda’s family has made her an agent to collect their money, and i didn’t even know it was a real thing, let alone a thing that would ever happen on this show?????? and she has the paperwork! this feels so serious and official! randy overdrafted amanda’s bank account, borrowed money to pay his insurance premiums, asked her to pay the deposit on an apartment for him, then asked her to pay a month’s rent. whatever randy does for a living? sounds like it’s time for a new gig, dude. also, is amanda a fucking rockefeller?????????

randy’s defense is that he does owe amanda the money (okay! that’s a new one!) he just doesn’t feel like he has to pay her relatives back, too. listen dude, i have in-laws, and they are very nice, well-meaning people who support public radio and drive an environmentally responsible hybrid car, but i don’t know that i could ever just be like “hey jerry, slip me five hundred bucks and don’t tell anybody!” but if i did????? if i was forced to due to some extreme hardship in conjunction with a plague that wiped out everyone else i know on earth???????????? i could never follow it up by then not paying him back! does randy enjoy stewing in extreme discomfort? is he one of those people who sadistically loves an awkward interaction? i mean, how do you walk in the pharmacy on a tuesday afternoon and run into her dad then look a man in the eye whose daughter you fucked over and whose money you stole????????? maybe i underestimated randy, he obviously is made of steel!

the ruling: i mean, randy said he owes amanda the money, so there’s actually nothing to dispute??? judgment for the plaintiff, and her daddy, and i hope she and randy enjoy their drive back to valpo. maybe they can split an uber!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “oh, you feel like you shouldn’t have to pay her family back? i bet that’s a good feeling to have!”

*bangs gavel*

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