plaintiff: miyori from stone mountain, georgia. ABSOLUTELY RAVISHING. i can’t colorblock because i dress like a toddler with the flu but miss miyori is burning my eyeballs out of my skull in this gorgeous tomato red blouse paired with some high-waisted mustard fashion pants. is she going somewhere special after this????? she looks amazing! her long black waves are parted down the middle, her skin is gleaming, her lashes look like two kittens sitting on her eyelids, and the manicure that clutches her accordion of truth™ is chic and perfect. what a dreamboat!
defendant: romeo from fairburn, georgia. have i ever told y’all that when i was, like, 18/19 i used to kick it with this dude named ADONIS. let me just say, nothing good can come from a relationship with a hot dude who has a sex name. absolutely nothing! you know dating exceptionally good-looking men in general is a mistake, because no one ever taught them that they had to be funny or interesting or care about serving anyone’s needs but their own, but you gotta multiply that by a factor of ten when dealing with a handsome dude who has a name that screams “i’m good in bed.” first of all? maybe. second, everyone automatically hits on him because honestly how can you not????? this extra thicc slab of dark chocolate in tight khakis and a deep teal shirt with a neat little beard who is also named romeo????????????? not a chance!
the complaint: miyori is suing her hot ex-boyfriend for credit card bills!
what does she want: $4946 (i am so jealous of people with good credit!!!!!!) see, i told you he was trouble! romeo is countersuing for $5000 for harassment and emotional distress, oh brother.
how it went down: miyori says she met romeo last september through a mutual friend and from the jump he was a perfect gentleman in their relationship. she says he opened doors and paid for dates, plus he owns several businesses (red flag!) and suggested that they go into business together and that he wanted to get her a car (red [something bigger than a flag]!!!!!) with the money he was making selling drones. listen, is he selling them to the government? because otherwise i don’t believe him! romeo said he was recently divorced but they immediately got serious despite that, and miyori quickly found out that he is abusive, plus a liar and a cheater.
so the abuse started a few months into the relationship, but i’ll spare you the violent details and say that miyori was getting her nails done, romeo had someone following her (???) who saw her ex-boyfriend (who is with miyori as a witness in court) drop off a laptop to her at the nail shop and then leave, and romeo confronted her later on and attacked her. WHAT THE FUCK. miyori called the police and got a restraining order, which she hands to the judge, and this dude is going to absolutely lose his shit on wherefore art thou romeo and i cannot wait.
romeo says (why does he get a side???????) that when he met miyori she was “a good, church-going girl.” what does that even mean and what the fuck does it matter? also, aren’t you scared to piss off god by being an asshole to one of his precious children?? it’s always a dude like this who has a prerequisite that his girlfriend attend bible study three times a week before she comes home and he puts a gun to her head. romeo says the relationship was good at first until “things just started not adding up.” he says a whole bunch of shit that basically adds up to “i suspected she was cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend.” his proof? well, her family invited the young man to their thanksgiving dinner, and also he looked through her phone and also he thought he smelled another man’s cologne in her sheets. i cannot do this. the mental image of this grown man crawling all over her bed sniffing the sheets to see if someone else has been in them????? please delete me from this planet!
after the sheet inspection (I CAN’T) romeo started another fight [with some extreme violence] and then broke miyori’s phone after accusing her, again, of lying. but dig this shocking twist: romeo is still married!!!!!!!!!!! of course the man physically assaulting the woman who isn’t cheating on him for cheating on him is actually cheating on someone else! incredible!!!
okay so about the credit cards, even though this case should’ve gone to the electric chair seven minutes ago: the week they met romeo was moving into a new place, and a lot of the initial hanging out they did was going around and buying stuff for his new apartment. i cannot begin to imagine an arduous task that would be more painful to me. anyway, miyori says that over the course of the week she watched romeo spend over $10,000 buying furniture and whatever. (is there no ikea where they live???) on the third day romeo went to use his bank card and it was declined, and romeo told miyori it was because his ex-wife had frozen his account and asked if he could use her card. she said yes, because she thought he could easily afford it since she’d seen him spend so much over the prior two days. he said he would pay her back the next month.
romeo says they were both using the card and when greg asks him what miyori charged he says “household stuff” but can’t be specific and why did he even come here today? greg is snarling and practically foaming at the mouth, snapping at him every time he tries to speak, he should’ve just paid miyori her money and left well enough alone, ugh! romeo says that there was no repayment agreement because they were boyfriend-girlfriend so he just assumed he didn’t have to pay her back. i’m sorry, what? excuse me??????? you borrow five grand from a woman you just met, beat her up two months later, and somehow after all that and a restraining order you think she’s gonna let you off the hook???? to what sea witch must i sell my gross voice for one drop of this motherfucker’s confidence???????
the ruling: oh no oh no, miyori somehow has a videotape of some abuse??? she shouldn’t have to watch this! thankfully, the worst parts are cut out, but basically they are in a parking garage, you see romeo crack his fucking knuckles as he corners her, then it cuts to him chasing her around the garage before it cuts again to his carrying her limp body over his shoulder. again, i’m re-upping my pitch for murder court, somebody put me in touch with dick wolf!
greg loses his fucking mind, and when romeo somehow finds the audacity to try to dispute the video we are all watching greg screams, “shut up, woman beater! and get the hell out of my court!” and the crowd goes wild and that feels weird but let’s just go with it. judgment for the plaintiff, obviously. i wish miyori hadn’t had to relive this trauma in a courtroom full of strangers but at the very least she’ll get her money back and hopefully someone she trusts will gently coax her to get into therapy or a support group or something. she is keeping herself remarkably together despite this bullshit, i’m very proud of her, and i hope she has a good group friends she can talk to, i.e. plot murderous revenge with.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you sound like a scrub. you sound like a woman-beating scrub. you were broke? you were broke when you met her? you just called her your support system, you sound like a scrub. you want me to believe you’re a businessman??? YOU’RE A SCRUB!!!!!!!!”
*bangs gavel*