plaintiff: ashley from chicago, illinois. ashley is wearing a tartan plaid bodysuit (i think???) under a black wrap jumpsuit (?????) with tuxedo stripes up the sides (???????) and honestly i don’t know how to describe her look at all but she looks totally fucking cool. she’s wearing a long, glamorous ombre wig that is parted down the center and her accordion of truth™ is so crisp and new you can hear it squeak!
defendant: lasharan from chicago, illinois. lasharan is wearing an electric blue blazer over a white collared shirt, and it is clear from the way she is exasperatedly dragging herself into the courtroom today that she and ashley have already been through it. i’ve seen divorced couples on here with less seething animosity than this!
the complaint: ashley bought a wig from the defendant and she was unhappy with it and wants a refund.
what does she want: $1000 for the wig and emotional distress, which i bet she’s not gonna get!
how it went down: ashley says she contacted lasharan in april of 2018 when she was scrolling through facebook and saw lasharan’s wig page, which had over 2000 likes. greg says “what were you doing on her page?” like she was committing a felony and, uhhh, it’s clear the good judge isn’t 100% sure how social media works? lucky for us, ashley gives my man a quick yet thoroughly detailed tutorial on fb business pages and promoted ads and explains that lasharan’s page just appeared in her feed because she likes some similar pages and the algorithm thought she might like to peruse another. man i thought this show had tortured me in every possible way already, AND YET.
ashley contacted lasharan about getting one style of wig (she holds up a printed out facebook photo™ but honestly i can’t tell what the wig looks like?) but what lasharan sent her was this other kind of wig (again, there’s a photo, but i am helpless). ashley says she went to lasharan’s office and got the wig, which was wet at the time she picked it up and looked “very curly and pretty.” ashley then returned home, took a nap, and when she woke up she says the wig “wasn’t that pretty anymore.” here is where i admit that i am out of my depth a little bit with this case, because i have had some variation of a shaved head since 1996, so i don’t know shit about shit when it comes to styling hair but i promise i will try my level best.
lasharan doesn’t like all this slander and rolls her eyes saying, “mind you, it’s human hair, she should’ve taken care of it.” ashley continues to denigrate lasharan, saying “she’s fake and her hair is fake and her facebook page is fake.” ashley says lasharan is so fake (“how! fake! is! she!”) that when she got to her office she didn’t even recognize the person in front of her from the pictures on her page! somebody call up the better business bureau because is that actually a scam? idk they’re not dating, so...if the wig looks right what difference does it make if lasharan facetunes her photos????? a little professional catfishing never hurt nobody!
lasharan says dealing with ashley has been a nightmare and that dealing with her has been indescribable chaos. lasharan says it’s common for people she doesn’t know to contact her on facebook because everybody knows she sells hair. ashley called her, came to her house to get fitted for a custom wig, and from the time she came to her home she’s been a very chaotic and abusive person. alright now here’s a new thing: greg truly doesn’t understand the rules around weaves and wigs and has just been sitting there looking baffled up to this point (same), so he brings out debbie, the hair and makeup artist for the show, to serve as his expert witness and translate weave talk into terms he can comprehend. an expert witness?????????? look at judge mathis keeping the relationship spicy for me!!!!!
ashley says she saw the wig on facebook, placed an order for it online with lasharan, and paypaled her on the spot. i’m not gonna lie, ashley seems kind of intense and of the myriad reasons i will never launch any sort of business at the top of the list is because customer service is the goddamn pits!!!!!! there is truly nothing you can do that won’t result in someone somewhere calling the feedback hotline to complain to your ass. even this dumbass newsletter, that only 11% of the people who subscribe to it pay for (bless y’all) and 99% of whose contents i give away 4+ days of just about every week, has landed a heaping handful complaints in my inbox!!! a thing people willfully sign up for at no cost!!!!!!!!!!! so yeah i’m never fucking ever starting any kind of business unless that business is called SLEEP FOR THE REST OF MY STUPID LIFE.
so the next day after lasharan put the wig on her ashley went home and noticed the wig looked rough on the edges and lasharan told her to “put some mousse on it.” ashley continued to call her and says that she kept making excuses, then she went back to lasharan a couple days later. greg keeps asking ashley if she followed lasharan’s explicit instructions for how to care for the wig and it’s sounding like she didn’t?? except ashley keeps talking and lasharan can’t get a word in edgewise so it’s hard to know where the truth actually lies.
lasharan says ashley came to her house to get fitted for a wig. lasharan told her it would take 7-10 business days for it to arrive but ashley was so excited about it and talked about how much she loved it and she begged for lasharan to put a rush on it so she got it to her in 6 days. that’s good service! lasharan told ashley that she needed to care for it every day and she needed to use mousse and argan oil every day to keep it from drying out, and she thinks that ashley didn’t properly care for it and that’s why she didn’t like how it ended up looking.
ashley says that she needs money for emotional distress because people filmed her and teased her for wearing a fake wig. greg asks what happened to the videos people took of her and ashley says she doesn’t know because she ran, so...greg concludes that there isn’t really a problem because if she ran there aren’t any videos! am i in the twilight zone? what’s happening here??? ashley says she got talked about every day because she didn’t have money to buy a new wig, so she was forced to wear that terrible hair and her friends made fun of her. greg is like “it’s not her problem you couldn’t find a hat!” and that is funny but you know what? let’s just get this over with.
the ruling: debbie the wig expert says that 100% human wavy/curly hair should look good and hold its shape with minimal upkeep, that it doesn’t need to be moussed or sprayed down or any of that so the wig lasharan sold asholey must be fake, and the judge is satisfied with that answer (and clearly tired of the words “argan oil”) so ashley gets her $523 back for the wig and lasharan is free to never have to deal with her again, a blessing for them both.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “that’s what they do for wigs, right? you have to be patient with me. i’m not a woman, i’ve never worn a wig, my wife doesn’t wear wigs, i’m gonna be asking a lot of stupid questions!”
*bangs gavel*