plaintiff: yolander from baltimore, maryland. ok i mean you already know from her name alone that yolander is firmly in the sophisticated auntie age bracket, and she has arrived in court today in a hot pink skirtsuit, a heavy bang, and a thick, luxurious crimped ponytail. is this her easter outfit??? it’s glorious.
defendant: cynthia from baltimore, maryland. cynthia is tall and stately, wearing a navy blue bodycon dress, princess leia buns, and large hoop earrings. she’s really beautiful! her drivers license and accordion of truth™ are firmly in hand.
the complaint: yolander is childhood friends with cynthia’s mom and is suing her for cell phone repairs!
what does she want: $100? COME ON NOW, YOLANDER. why are we in court today for this little piddly amount, miss mamas? does court not have a minimum?????
how it went down: you can already tell greg is tickled pink at whatever is about to go down in this case because he’s laughing before he even starts talking. i love how much he loves old black ladies! yolander says she’s known cynthia’s mother for 53+ years and has been there for the births of all three of her daughters. let me tell you something: nothing is worse than being around people who’ve known you since you were born and can embarrass you for the rest of your life with every dumb thing you’ve ever said and/or done while also trapping you in a prison of who you used to be! have you ever tried out a new style or personality only to have someone who knew you before your brain was fully formed topple that precarious new thing you’re trying by saying something like “since when do you like punk rock???” or whatever? liiiiiike, “excuse me, aunt brenda, this carefully constructed persona hasn’t solidified yet please let me cook!” anyway, i feel bad that cynthia is gonna have to defend whoever she was in 1992 here in court today.
so yolander says that over the course of her childhood cynthia and her mother and sister lived with her off and on. she hadn’t seen them in a while, but when she finally did she heard that cynthia had graduated from college with a degree in “teaching kids.” lmao i love that. please from now on could everyone describe their college degrees by what they actually do with them??? i don’t want to hear about your communications degree please tell me you went to college for “writing clickbait articles” or whatever it is you do!
cynthia says yolander is like an aunt to her and their relationship got rocky because yolander drinks a lot and is rude and insulting when she gets to drinking. oh i know that type of auntie energy extremely well, just ask my dad’s old friends seagrams and E&J. cynthia says the last time yolander was over her mom’s house they had to put her ass out! greg asks her if that’s the truth and yolander admits that it is.
cynthia says she taught for four years but just went back to get her CDL, and if that doesn’t tell you about the current state of teaching i don’t know what the fuck will. this gorgeous woman spent 4+ years in college, graduated and spent a few years working with kids in the raggedy ass public school system, then quit to start driving buses and trucks???????????? why does this country shit on teachers??? if your options are teach in the public schools OR spend weeks at a time shitting in rest stops and sleeping upright in a truck on the side of a nebraska highway and you pick the truck...??? we are failing as a society! *pours some skol vodka out for all of our helpless children*
yolander says she started watching cynthia’s three-year-old son for a month and a half. they didn’t have an agreement on the babysitting because, she says, she “thought [cynthia] would be fair.” FAMOUS LAST WORDS. this is why it’s tough doing business with your friends/family, because in your mind it’s like “i know she would never screw me over!” but, like, that’s exactly why she would screw you over! because you’re a family friend and she doesn’t think there will be consequences!!!!!!! but she’s not suing for lack of babysitting payment, she’s suing for a cell phone, so greg tells her to keep it moving and get into that.
the ruling: okay so while yolander was babysitting cynthia’s son took yolander’s phone because she “wouldn’t give it to him quick enough” to talk to his grandmother. wait a minute, he’s three, right? you mean to tell me he tackled yolander with brute force, wrestled the phone from her vice grip, then hurled it across the room during a temper tantrum because he wanted to say hi to his memaw?? haha, of course not, yolander immediately contradicts herself and lets it slip that she willingly handed a toddler her cellular phone to talk to his granny and you know how that story ends: case dismissed, see ya later, have a nice day folks!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: (with pure, unbridled disgust) “ma’am, she’s not responsible, you’re the adult that handed a three-year-old a phone!”
*bangs gavel*