plaintiff: kimberly from colorado springs, colorado. alright alright for this african-american mountain time representation! of all the places i have been, the one i have visited the most (outside of california) is, somehow, colorado??? a lot of my high school friends went to boulder for college, and they had generous parents who were like “you dropped out? here’s a plane ticket to go be a terrible influence on my child!” plus i have friends who live and work in denver, and from chicago it’s a quick trip, so i have had altitude sickness while gazing dumbstruck at a purple mountain’s majesty more times than i can count! anyway miss kimberly is in a plaid shirt under a black blazer, her long hair dipped in blonde ombre, her accordion of truth™ tucked beneath her arm.
defendant: charlene from colorado springs, colorado. charlene is wearing a deep aubergine fitted dress shirt with three-quarter length sleeves and matching lipstick with a bang swoop across her forehead and black slacks, and she looks extremely professional and also a little butch and i love that.
the complaint: FINALLY SOME HOT BLACK LESBIAN DRAMA!! kimberly had sex with charlene one time and is suing her for a loan.
what does she want: $3774??? wait a second, they banged once and she loaned her almost four grand????? to whom must i sell my soul for my pussy to be this good! be still my queer heart, charlene is countersuing for $3000.
how it went down: kimberly says she met charlene in 2014 and they became very good friends and she and her family ended up moving in with her, including her husband. during that time kimberly says that she and her husband were having a hard time communicating but with charlene it was “effortless.” i mean, DUH: have you ever tried to talk to a man??? okay so they’re all living together like one big happy family but kimberly is only talking to charlene and they keep getting closer and closer until whoops one day she slipped and fell into her vagina!
i hate when that happens! kimberly says she’s bisexual and says charlene describes herself as just “mingling” (huh?) and that neither of them wanted their families to know about their indiscretion. charlene interjects to say “i don’t like women!” and, sure i guess??? but you banged this one!
charlene adamantly states “i don’t do women!”, that back in 2018 she was “heavily medicated and allowed kim to do oral sex on [her].” well that was nice! women supporting women and all that????? THIS IS FEMINISM!!!!!!!!!!! charlene says kimberly is obsessed with her and always wanted to know where she was going and whom she was with, but she wasn’t interested in kimberly romantically. charlene says she was in an accident and taking painkillers, which is why she “let” kimberly go down on her. boy oh boy i wish people could get rid of their internalized homophobia! just admit that you were into it, charlene. FREE YOURSELF. greg isn’t buying this bullshit, either. “i’ve taken a lot of pain pills, too, but i don’t call on doyle!” he says, cracking himself up. charlene says they her and kimberly’s families have always gotten along, and that they’ve been good friends ever since they were in the military. why, you don’t say??? *raises eyebrows*
kimberly is suing charlene for loans for utility bills, car repairs, groceries, and vacations among other things. greg asks how much rent she paid every month and kimberly says it was $600 a month for her, her husband, and her kids. that’s a bargain, babe. charlene interjects to say that not only was that a reasonable amount to charge kimberly after she’d been evicted from every other place she’d lived, but also kimberly never paid the rent on time or in full. okay my bet is on charlene saying that she doesn’t want to pay kimberly back because all those little odds and ends, groceries and gas bills and whatnot, supplemented what kimberly wasn’t paying in rent. i mean, that’s what i’d fucking say.
lmao joke’s on me, kimberly says that charlene told her she wasn’t going to pay her back because that’s what the sex was for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god? i’m agog! again, where is the fucking sea witch who can grant my wish for a magic vagina????? charlene says, “first of all, everything kim did for me was a gift,” and what in the pillow princess kind of shit is this? “the cruise, the flight, the car repairs...all of those were gifts.” wow!
charlene’s countersuit is because kimberly told her she was going to shoot her and made a post on facebook saying she had lost her best friend, then below it posted a link to a youtube video in which a woman is watching her friend die??? you know i hate when social media comes up on this show because greg is a boomer and this doesn’t sound good. charlene also has printed out facebook evidence™ that kimberly paid a man to go in charlene’s house and bring her outside then bar the door behind her so that she could fight her. this shit is bananas.
the ruling: but none of that matters because charlene sent kimberly a text in which she concedes to owing her $3000, and greg is sick of this weird shit so he grants that to kimberly. when he asks her to explain the other $774 she’s suing for kimberly pulls out a stack of papers from her accordion of truth™ and greg is like “i’m not reading all that” so since she can’t explain it in a soundbite it’s out the fucking window. he grants charlene $500 for “veiled harassment over the internet.” i wonder if these two still live in the same house?????? anyway, here’s hoping they join the mile high club on their way back to colorado!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you say your husband doesn’t know and you want to keep it a secret? okay, none of you millions of people tell her husband!”
*bangs gavel*