plaintiff: monique from indianapolis, indiana. my beautiful, voluptuous queen! monique glides elegantly into the courtroom in a black blazer with a silky paisley shirt beneath, her hair a resplendent shade of neon raspberry, lips glossssssssed, her eyes ringed in glittering gold. too good for this world!
defendant: darrell from indianapolis, indiana. this might be the first time i’ve ever seen anyone in a pumpkin orange dress shirt in court??? darrell has paired it with a maroon sweater vest and deeper maroon slacks, and this is an extremely pleasing fall palette. he’s wearing glasses and his bald head is twinkling under the lights and his accordion of truth™ matches the color scheme perfectly!
the complaint: monique is suing darrell for back child support. wait a second i thought this was her dad oh nooooooooo.
what does she want: $5000, THE MAXIMUM. which you know means he really owes $80,000 or some shit. i love when the court is like “oh, you need to raise a child? here’s forty bucks!”
how it went down: monique says she met darrell in early 2000, when she was 18 and he was in his mid-30s. guess i wasn’t too far off with that dad shit, huh. she said she loved him so much and he was her best friend but their relationship was horrible because he was abusive and on crack. she says their relationship was like the color purple, which: MY GOD. monique says she was young and dumb and in love and thought she could change him. you can’t change anyone, no one changes ever, whatever the worst things about a person are you either have to accept those or cut them loose because no amount of well-intentioned love is gonna change them! (i’m mostly saying this to my long-suffering wife, who really wishes i would put my clothes away faster. sorry sweety, i can’t change!)
monique says they have a 17 year old son together and he’s abusive like his father, which is a fucking shame ugh. monique says things got worse when she was pregnant, that darrell was beating her up during arguments and wouldn’t let her leave the house, he insulted her and called her fat and tried to beat her into losing weight, and when she called the police on him he would run away. hmm, sounds like a case for murder court! someone roll in the electric chair!
darrell starts with the woe is me story and honestly? who cares! idk man good luck to him on his sobriety or whatever, BUT: not shedding any tears for a dude who kicked his pregnant girlfriend’s ass, no sir! darrell says he was addicted to crack for ten years and has been off it for four, that he stopped cold turkey and hasn’t relapsed. greg asks how many people he’s gone back and apologized to and made whole since he’s been in recovery and darrell says “all of them.” but, umm, if that’s real why are you in court today, sir??????
monique says she works and goes to school to support her son and that darrell has been in and out of prison and has contributed very little to raising their son. i mean, it’s impossible that she loses this case, right? should i just fast forward to the part where they launch dude into an active volcano???? monique says that darrell is supposed to pay her $108 every month and he sometimes makes partial payments but not with any consistency and let me tell you something: there is a teenage boy in my house and if i could feed him cat food i would because keeping him clothed and fed??? it’s ungodly expensive! i mean, feeding kids is a problem!!! they go through $742 worth of yogurt cups alone in a month!!!!!!! give monique some money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: monique gives the judge a printout with the total amount darrell owes ($10,000 in case you are interested) and then darrell says he only owes $1000, and darrell frantically hands the judge page after page stating that he owes $11,000 and then $6000 and lmao why is he giving the judge those sheets of paper??? they are not exonerating him! listen we all knew how this was gonna go. judgment for the plaintiff, and here’s hoping her son turns out okay!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you’re a beautiful full figured woman, many men like that! i like a full figured woman! don’t let anybody tell you different!”
*bangs gavel*