the plaintiff: kayla from denver, colorado. she’s wearing a turquoise silky button down shirt that looks very good onscreen and has a hand tattoo.
the defendant: darius from thornton, colorado. tall, thin, bearded, and wearing one of those long knit tunics with leggings-adjacent pants young men on instagram are so fond of these days. i’m into it, i fucking love loose clothing and the closer we get as a society to every single person venturing out dressed in a nightgown as real daytime clothes the closer i get to my dreams actually coming true.
the complaint: kayla and darius had an affair that resulted in their now four year old son. kayla says after a DNA test proved darius was her son’s father, he tried to ruin her life. darius says they had a only one night stand, not a relationship, after which she tried to ruin his life.
what does she want: $4500 for defamation of character, because he got her fired from her job. countersuit, yes! darius wants $4500 (are these arbitrary amounts or is that the small claims limit in colorado or what, man?) for harassment and emotional distress.
how it went down: apparently darius initially denied their son, and i wish kayla would go back to the beginning of how they met and give us a little backstory. i like romance! anyway darius was in a relationship and cheated on his girlfriend with kayla and then denied their kid. did i accidentally turn on maury? what the fuck is this?! she forced him to get a paternity test (“darius, you ARE the father!”) and after they got the results he started “making her life horrible.” he started spreading rumors about her, got her kicked out of her apartment, and got her fired from her job. um it seems to me like there needs to be a landlord and a former employer on the other side of this courtroom, but i digress.
the judge asks her how he got her fired and kayla says darius told her boss she was selling drugs at work. kayla reads aloud an email from her old boss saying that he’s terminating her because of the accusations from darius. okay look, i’m not a lawyer but in america don’t you have to prove a claim before you take drastic action? what amendment is that again? you can’t just fire somebody because their random hookup left a company voicemail saying they brought coke to work. what in the world? call the eeoc! she clearly has a case! kayla then says that after she got fired darius and his friends tried to break in her home, which resulted in her getting evicted. huh?! come on, this simply cannot be real. not to be all little sally rule book about it but WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING LAW. does it truly not matter? i feel like i’m dumber just from listening to this.
greg doesn’t buy her story either and asks why darius would do all this to her, and she says it’s because he’s “embarrassed.” embarrassed? if that’s true, darius needs to learn how to eat his feelings and cry in the shower like the fucking rest of us. darius basically makes the same claims against kayla that she’s made against him, “life ruining” et cetera, and it’s clear these two have been playing on the phone and fucking up at each other’s workplaces and using their child as the rope in tug-of-war and this reminds me that i need to learn science and invent a robot that will automatically put a condom on its owner.
according to darius he is innocent of these charges. i mean, even if he did it and she’s telling the truth about how at the very least that’s an illegal eviction and a wrongful dismissal. kayla needs to take her ass to a real court. they got joint custody of the baby when he was two, after which kayla “caught a couple felonies” and “went on the run” out of state (with warrants!) and because of that he was granted full legal custody (and also probably explains why she didn’t sue her landlord). at this revelation the entire fucking courtroom gasps and turns into one giant, pulsating eyeballs emoji. greg can hardly contain his disbelief! she talked on and on for seven straight minutes about how bad this dude is and it turns out he’s had sole legal custody of the kid for years?! he might be a shithead, but he’s a shithead that’s been vetted by a social worker and has the blessings of a (not on television) judge.
the ruling: i knew as soon as he found out that this woman had lost custody of her kid that greg was gonna get her ass right up out the paint. i have the DVR paused and i feel almost 100% certain that, gauging the escalated pitch and fervor of his voice as he begins to lay into her about how child custody cases are decided based on the fitness of the parents, that gregory mathis is not going to give this poor girl SHIT. i might just turn the tv off and go to bed, because watching her continue to get yelled at is about to hurt my feelings. hasn’t she ever watched this show before?
fine, i unpaused it, just in time to see her say she was never informed of some court ruling or another and then immediately contract herself by pulling the minutes of the court proceedings out of her accordion of truth™. i literally guffawed. this is the second time in as many weeks i have watched someone pull out paperwork that proves the case against them! it’s truly stunning to witness. this is perjury, in case you are unfamiliar with court tv shows, and her case is dismissed. out of spite and male solidarity alone, because dude definitely didn’t bring any fucking evidence, the judge grants his $4500 and commends him on being a good father.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: no but if i could paint a picture of the gobsmacked look on my man’s face when he found out darius had legal full custody i would and i’d hang that shit over my desk. IT WAS ART.