plaintiff: diana from north las vegas, nevada. is that a place or is it just, you know, the northern part of las vegas? who cares, i’m not googling it! you know what i miss? csi: crime scene investigation. every time i think of vegas i think about that show, and i also think about how even though i knew i would never ever be brave enough to commit an actual crime, watching that show firmly instilled in me the harsh reality that i am too careless, clumsy, and dumb to ever get away with anything. i admire anyone with the confidence to rob a bank or do a stabbing because i cannot imagine walking into any room without immediately shedding thousands of skin cells and traceable particles and leaving behind perfect fingerprints on every surface. when we can leave our homes in a few years i hope someone puts together a csi vegas tour because i would love to go on it. diana looks nice, she’s wearing a black blazer over a baby pink shirt with black pants and snappy glasses.
defendant: jorge from (regular) las vegas, nevada. okay well i guess that answers that! jorge is wearing a black sweater over a white dress shirt, and his face looks just like mine would if my sister dragged me to court.
the complaint: diana is suing her brother for stolen property.
what does she want: $4000????? damn, what the fuck did he steal, a personal laptop?????????
how it went down: diana says in 2012 she went to prison for three years for a crime her brother committed. omg, the stomach-rattling gasp that just escaped my body!!!! i had to set my computer down for a second! i am not going to belabor this but if my sister committed a crime and i had to do the time for it?????? she better hope i fucking die in there because if i don’t i’m coming out and committing murder. and i know i said i’m too soft for crime but those three years inside would harden me up and i’d probably make prison friends who i’d be fine with going back to, so yeah if the (real) judge is like “sorry samantha, i know you say jane did it but i’m locking you up,” jane better make the most of those years because when i get out? she’s getting shot!
jorge robbed their mom’s friend and diana says he convinced her to take the blame for it. i think my heart is gonna stop! what in the world!!!!!!!!!! diana had just turned 19 and was very naive and believed her brother when he said she probably wouldn’t get in trouble for the crime because she hadn’t even been there when it occurred. jorge told diana that the detectives would investigate the case and when they figured out she wasn’t there she’d be off the hook. except...um, if she told them she did it why would they continue to investigate????? HOLY SHIT, MY BRAIN IS DYING. the police don’t wanna investigate unsolved crimes, you think they’re gonna try to prove a person wrong who is taking responsibility??????? i am so fucking furious right now it’s almost comical.
so jorge told diana that the cops would investigate and exonerate her and he also said he would “have her back.” diana says that no, that wasn’t true, the police didn’t do any investigating (of course not! why would they! you solved their case for them!), and then jorge testified against her at the motherfucking trial, all but assuring that she would be locked away for his crime. i have to go lie down.
diana is fully weeping as her brother does this weird double speak about his testimony in court (he says, “i told them that if she did do it, it was because she was desperate for money”) and you already know how this needs to go: MURDER COURT. BRING IN THE FIRING SQUAD. it’s obvious that jorge knows he can’t admit to his crime in court/on television so he keeps pussyfooting around what happened and what he said at diana’s trial and poor diana is just nakedly crying, like “you know what you did!” and it’s so heartbreaking and painful and, again, what is the holdup with that guillotine i ordered???
the judge asks diana why she thinks jorge would do all this to her and it basically boils down to sibling rivalry? like, he always resented her and destroyed her toys and cut her her bras and underwear??? but these are obvious adults and while, yes, sibling relationships are complicated, sending your sister to prison because you’re mad mommy had another baby twenty years ago????????? demonic!
watching this is bonkers because jorge has clearly been practicing what he was going to say; it’s almost clinical the way he says “prior to her incarceration” (gotta love the passive voice there) and “she is a very manipulative person and she is lying” all cold and calculated while diana is across the aisle absolutely dissolving in tears. what are their parents like! can somebody get them a reality show?? jorge’s response to diana’s huge claims is basically “she’s making this up,” but greg and i aren’t fucking buying it. there’s no way that every single detail from childhood through a prison sentence is a fabrication, especially since diana is sobbing hysterically while recounting them. clearly jorge is good with words since he sweet talked her into taking the rap and then convincingly testified against her, i mean come on. damn, this poor girl.
the reason they’re here today: long story long diana was visiting california, jorge and their mom were in vegas, and when diana got back to the apartment in vegas she discovered her bedroom door had been kicked in and all of her items had been stolen. it was clear that her brother was responsible and, in addition to cutting up her bras and underwear again (what the fuck!), danielle has a list of expensive items her brother stole from her and refused to return. again this dude’s response is “she’s lying” and i’m sorry but either something is not clicking or this is a well-rehearsed defense because repeating “that’s not true” on a loop isn’t going to work for you here, sir!
jorge has brought a voicemail recording to play for the judge to “prove diana is lying and show her real nature,” and i cannot believe he really thought this would be helpful to him because diana, in a calm and assured voice, basically says, “here is a list of things i know you stole from me, you are always destroying my things, i went to jail because of you, and i am going to get a restraining order against your ass.” listen, i have shouted into the speaker at a drive thru with more rage than diana is exhibiting on this voicemail. jorge is absolutely helping his sister’s case?? which, good!!!!
the ruling: greg, who is clearly flummoxed by what is happening in front of him today, says that unless diana is hallucinating there’s no way she would leave a voicemail for a person who stole from her, listing all of the things they’d done to her, while speaking directly to them. the judge says that unless she is a psychic and knew that jorge was going to save a voicemail for two years when she eventually took him to small claims court there’s no way she would’ve left him a message sobbing “you broke my karaoke machine!” unless that shit really happened. judgment for the plaintiff, and for tormented little sisters everywhere.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “sir, a person would have to be mentally ill to say all of those things and none of them are true!”
*bangs gavel*