plaintiff: marquita from chicago, illinois. marquita has shiny, waist-length, flat ironed hair that is parted down the center and perfectly frames her impeccably lashed and shadowed eyes. marquita is wearing what i would call, i don’t know, a dress hoodie? it’s like a hoodie, but nice. a hoodie if eileen fisher made hoodies. anyway she’s wearing a scoopneck white shirt from under which peeks the kind of tattoo you know she got at a house party, my favorite kind of body art. her accordion of truth™ is crisp and filled with facts (i hope).
defendant: marquita from rockford, illinois. friends, i do believe this is a first for us! two marquitas, battling to see who is the best marquita!!! actually, i think they’re fighting over a car, but let’s pretend they’re in court today to decide who will become marquita supreme. so rockford marquita is frigging adorable, wearing a black jumper over a white t-shirt (not the british “jumper” which i think means sweater???? i mean the american kind, which makes you look like a four-year-old) with her hair in braids. she’s so goddamn cute! uhhh, by the look on her face she’s clearly furious that she has to be with us in court today, and she has chosen to come empty handed. i can’t wait!
the complaint: chicago marquita is suing her former friend for tickets, an impound fee, and emotional distress!
what does she want: $2358, and rockford marquita is countersuing (without a scrap of evidence??? very bold!) for harassment.
how it went down: chicago says she’s known rockford for nine years and that rockford has a child with her brother. chicago says that she and rockford used to not like each other because rockford is “messy and conniving.” how do you get over that, i wonder? i’m not being a fucking asshole, i’m truly curious how you go from thinking someone is a messy conniver to being like, “well, okay, we can be friends.” this is one of the many instances in which i ask myself if i’m truly just not as evolved as some of my fellow earthlings, because no!!!!
chicago says that rockford used to come over to her grandmother’s house and try to fight her brother’s other child’s mom, and a couple of times chicago and rockford fistfought about it. does that sentence make sense? i’ve read it four times and i can’t tell. anyway they decided to put their differences aside and become friends. i bet whoever lost those fights was the one who decided it was better to just try to get along.
rockford says that chicago used to threaten and harass her on facebook when she was pregnant, saying that if she saw her in the street she was gonna beat her ass. greg asks why? what’s up with all the violence?? and rockford says it’s because chicago was mad that she dated her child’s father before rockford got pregnant by chicago’s brother. KEEPING TRACK OF ALL THIS? GREAT. chicago claims that isn’t true but then rockford is like “of course it’s true! you didn’t even know me back then why else would you be mad?” and game set match on that.
okay rockford says that it isn’t true that she would harass chicago’s brother’s other baby mama, she says chicago would call her to try to get her mad about that girl, then when rockford took the bait because of course, the two of them would start fighting. she says chicago would call and start yelling “PULL UP! FIGHT ME!” and rockford was like, “what the fuck do i look like pulling up on you? i’m seven months pregnant!” there’s a big pause here and we all know what’s coming next: “SO WHEN I PULLED UP...” i’m weeping at the image of these two pregnant women trying to wedge their unwieldy bellies out of an old toyota camry to try to fight in the middle of the street. greg says “you pulled up?” and rockford says, “hell yeah, i did! because i’m not no punk!” i know i’m not supposed to play favorites but i would literally die for rockford.
rockford says that in one of their fights chicago punched her, she punched chicago back, then they started tussling in the street and it got so bad that eventually rockford had to mace chicago to get her up off of her. you don’t have to be a wizard to know that i can’t fight, but one of the reasons i will always run screaming from a physical altercation (okay fine, limp away at a comically slow clip) is because you never know when a person is gonna whip out some pepper spray or a taser and you might get punished for the audacity of trying to have a fair fight.
chicago says that rockford got “an unauthorized car in [her] name” and at first i was like HOW???? but then it dawned on me that they have the same name and i’m sure shady car dealers aren’t checking IDs super close and wow what an incredible scam, long story long i need to make a new friend named samantha who has impeccable credit immediately. chicago says that rockford got $1848 in tickets for her child not being in a carseat three times and for a broken taillight, then chicago’s license got suspended because rockford never put insurance on the car!
greg says “you allowed her to...?” and chicago interrupts to say she never allowed rockford to do anything but then rockford interrupts chicago to say that she gave her (rockford, keep up!) her license because she was driving back and forth to and from the city and rockford’s license was suspended. greg is like “hold up, how did that work?” and chicago screams that rockford is lying and rockford counter-shouts “well how did i get your license suspended then???” and then greg interrupts them both to say that this is why you should never befriend someone with your name because identity thieves have become very sophisticated in the modern age. (sorry other samantha!)
greg is delighted by this tale of two quitas and he lets them go at each other for a while, chicago alleging that rockford stole her purse while rockford alleges back that chicago gave it to her to scam the car guy. greg finally taps his gavel a few times in a vain attempt to regain order and asks how chicago knows rockford stole her purse. chicago launches into a story about the two of them getting fucked up at the club and then they start arguing again and i know greg fucking loves this shit but he dramatically puts his head in his hands like they’re stressing him out and he taps the gavel again and is like “you two are beyond help” but he’s also laughing and i love everything that’s happening here but also can we see some evidence, please?????
greg finally gets them to quiet down and asks if it’s true that rockford got a bunch of tickets and she says “no!” and chicago loses her shit again and rockford is like “okay, i did it!” and everybody starts cracking up. i bet these girls are fucking fun. rockford seems intent on litigating the stolen license some more but that doesn’t really matter if she admitted that she’s responsible for the tickets? i mean who cares, let’s move on!
greg asks rockford “what’s your counterclaim for?” and she says “harassment” then he says “what did she do?” and rockford replies “harassed me” and brb changing my name to marquita and joining this girl gang asap these two are the goddamn best! greg says “can i get in on a part of that claim? because y’all harassing the devil out of me!” rockford says that after she got the notices about the tickets chicago called her and threatened to beat her ass and hit her upside the head with a remy bottle (ROCKFORD, PLEASE) and she was so afraid that she had to move out of her apartment. greg screams, “girl, you know you don’t pay rent!” and asks chicago “ma’am, did you threaten her?” chicago, still shouting with every ounce of air in her lungs, says “i left her a message saying ‘i’ma sue your ass’ and sir that is not a threat.” greg agrees.
the ruling: this starts another round of the kind of shouting that when it’s happening near you you gotta be like “are those people loud-ass friends or am i about to witness a fucking homicide????” and greg is over it, rockford’s (extremely compelling) case is dismissed, judgment granted for chicago because honestly she needs to go home and get some vocal rest!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “what side of chicago y’all from, the west side? i’m gonna put a community center over there to teach y’all conflict resolution. gimme your address after this is over.”
*bangs gavel*