plaintiffs: david and suzanne from jurupa valley, california. ooh i am always intrigued to see what a couple chooses to wear to court. how do you decide what options to go with to represent yourselves as a trustworthy pair? should you coordinate your outfits in a show of unity or just wear whatever you always wear to remain true to your individuality??? if my lady and i got sued (first of all, good luck trying to get me to show the fuck up to civil fucking court) what am i gonna do, buy matching pantsuits? or should i trail behind her in a threadbare black garbage bag as she tracks gardening soil and fermented pickle water into the courtroom? case immediately closed! okay so david is wearing a black suit that makes him look like a security guard for a b-list celebrity and suzanne is wearing a black keyhole blouse with grey slacks. HERE’S A FIRST: david is armed with a fucking trapper keeper full of evidence! i mean, he has a three-ring binder crammed full of receipts and highlighted sheets of paper and while on the one hand i am thrilled at the sheer volume of proof he’s brought with him today but on the other? greg ain’t reading all that! what a waste!!!
defendant: jennifer from riverside, california. jennifer is zaftig and tall and blonde (i love a big ol’ healthy, apple-cheeked, farm-looking lady) and busts into the room cradling her accordion of truth™ like she just gave birth to it, and these are obviously people who have battled each other in court before because i have truly never seen a case where the litigants brought literal pounds of evidence before? how did they even get all these documents on the plane, was there no suitcase weight limit????????
the complaint: david and suzanne claim his ex-wife is trying to sabotage their relationship and they’re suing her for child expenses.
what do they want: $4303, which will buy a lot of goldfish crackers and juice boxes and gogurts.
how it went down: suzanne starts by saying she is currently married to david, and “this [gestures toward jennifer] is what we refer to as ‘the baby mama.’” OH, BROTHER. i’m not a parenting expert (haha jk i totally am!), but i bet this attitude is extremely healthy for the child(ren) involved! suzanne claims that jennifer is jealous of her and wants to look like her and basically wishes she had her life. um...didn’t she, though? i mean, didn’t she already have your life?? aren’t you currently married to her ex-man??? what alternative universe kind of shit is this????? ugh “jealousy” is such a fucking pet peeve of mine because it’s the kind of unfair charge you can leverage at a person with zero demonstrable proof and then somehow the burden is on them to prove they’re not jealous, and no matter what they say in their defense whomever is listening is still gonna be like, “okay, BUT: you do kinda sound a little jealous.” it’s infuriating!
suzanne says that jennifer made several attempts to interfere with her and david’s relationship and several times it worked and they broke up. (which, ultimately, is on the two of them, right?) she also says that once jennifer got drunk and got arrested on a dv charge but it’s not clear how that relates to this case? it’s clear that suzanne is mad at her but girl according to you you’re winning so what’s the problem? okay look i don’t want to dwell on this but as for the charge of jennifer wanting to look like suzanne? jennifer’s hair is blonde and curled and suzanne’s is stick straight and brunette and i promise not to tailspin but jennifer is prettier than she is. i’m sure i’m about to find out she’s a terrible person or whatever but nothing is grosser than accusing someone of being jealous of you especially if you’re not 1 hot or 2 RICH. imagine being jealous of a bitch who couldn’t eat a four thousand dollar debt????????? couldn’t be me!
suzanne says some more stuff about jennifer and greg cuts her off and says “sir, why don’t you tell me about your past relationship??” SERIOUSLY. david says that everything suzanne says about jennifer’s jealousy is true and that he and jennifer were married for a year, but then jennifer interrupts (finally!) and pulls a bunch of papers out of her accordion of truth™ and says david went to jail three times for hitting her and that’s why they broke up. there it is. jealous of getting her ass beat? i think the fuck not!
jennifer admits that she had to complete several weeks of anger management but maintains that david had to do some too so she doesn’t understand why they’re acting like she’s the villain here. there’s some arguing back and forth between david and jennifer about how many times he got arrested and jennifer says she has proof and i want to believe her because goddamn she has a lot of shit binder-clipped together but then she can only find proof of one arrest and greg thinks she’s a liar now and we all know how this is likely to turn out.
david says that he and jennifer have 50/50 custody which means that they have the children on alternating weeks and are supposed to split expenses like extracurricular fees and doctor visits and stuff like that. he gives greg the order from the court and says that since 2011 jennifer hasn’t paid any of her share of the kid costs. david says that jennifer hasn’t had a steady job but has sent him emails promising to pay. jennifer interjects that she has made payments to him since 2011 and suzanne interrupts to say that jennifer only made one, and it was for a measly $45. greg is like “you don’t know, maybe she slipped him money behind your back! it’s their child! stay out of it!” and as a professional stepparent, I CONCUR. i don’t know what shots these kids in my house get or what foods they’re allergic to or whether or not they can fucking read, and you know why? because they’re not my kids!
jennifer says that she didn’t pay those old expenses because she didn’t know about them until recently, which tracks because a few minutes ago david said he’s only now suing her for 5+ year old payments because it took him a long time to figure out what she owes him. jennifer says she couldn’t pay what she didn’t know existed until a few months ago and yeah unless she’s psychic that sounds legit to me!
the ruling: but then, from his binder that looks like mine at the end of the 1996 school year, david pulls out a bunch of printed out email sheets™ and i’m sorry jennifer, i tried, but the confidence with which he whips those crinkled pieces of kinkos’ most economical printer paper means it’s clearly a wrap for you. the judge starts reading this email correspondence between them in 2013 with the same contempt i had when it was my turn to read aloud from the grapes of wrath in front of the class junior year and yeah it turns out jennifer knew there were “some fees and other expenses” she was in the arrears on so she immediately loses her case based on perjury, which doesn’t feel real in this forum but apparently it is! judgment for the baby daddy.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “why didn’t you sue her earlier? it took you six years to gather some receipts???”
*bangs gavel*