plaintiff: jennifer from toledo, ohio. my zaftig queen charges into the courtroom clearly riding a wave of unbridled fury, her billowy teal and navy tunic floating on the temperature-controlled air in her wake. jennifer has bangs and bouncy but also floppy curled hair with tiny glasses and a sour expression. i can’t tell if she’s 25 or 55, she’s truly an enigma wrapped in a riddle.
defendant: brooke and tom from toledo, ohio. two couples in a row??? lmao what luck! okay so these two are not coordinated at all: brooke is wearing a breezy (i.e. wrinkled) neon coral summer blouse with loose putty-colored pants and tom is bundled up in a red v-neck sweater over a red checked shirt with a shiny black tie and dark slacks and these two aren’t even dressed for the same fucking season, let alone matching. i know the seasons in chicago are confusing but come on you guys!
the complaint: jennifer is suing her former tenants for unpaid rent.
what does she want: $900
how it went down: jennifer sighs very dramatically and says, “your honor, it was a living hell living with these two.” whew i have had some terrible roommates and i feel for her but she better not be getting my hopes up. if this case doesn’t involve bleach in a shampoo bottle and unexpected orgies in the kitchen or i’m gonna feel cheated! jennifer says brooke and tom are friends with her son and she took his word that they were good people when she allowed them to move in. greg asks what the rent was and jennifer says $300 for them both, and this is probably a good time to remind you that we in the flat, dusty, potato-fed regions of this nation might not have access to authentic thai food but our mortgages are cheaper than what y’all pay for internet service probably!
jennifer says all brooke and tom did in her house was argue, fight, smoke weed, and cheat on each other. SOUNDS FUN. jennifer says they would often bring her into their fights, and the way she’s saying it makes me think she loved that shit. god, it’s so stressful to listen to people talk to each other, let alone argue, and that’s why i spare myself the anxiety by walking around wearing noise-cancelling headphones at all times so i don’t accidentally hear anybody’s raised voice. i cannot imagine hearing a couple going at it and then running downstairs to egg them on??? if i hear you and your man fighting i’m either gonna call an uber to get the fuck out of there or start gathering materials to hide his dead body after we kill him.
jennifer says that all the fighting and cheating reached a boiling point and finally tom left when brooke was nine months pregnant. brooke claims that tom left because he couldn’t deal with jennifer anymore, and i’m sorry but can you call 311 if your landlord is this deep in your fucking business or is that only for when they don’t turn the heat on in november or fail to exterminate or whatever??? because this is fucking outrageous. jennifer goes on to say that tom cheated on his first wife and is addicted to percocet and i just, i mean, excuse me???????? why the fuck does she know all this???
it’s brooke’s turn, and she says that she thinks the only reason jennifer let them move in is because she wanted to seduce tom and sure, babe, every bottom has its top but tom looks like opie taylor and not in the hot way!!!!!!!!!!!! her evidence? well, apparently jennifer would sit around with her legs open while not wearing underwear and on more than one occasion her boob “fell out of her shirt” and she just left it hanging out! okay at first i was like “yeah right” but then, as a person with unwieldy tits that have maybe (definitely) slipped out from the bottom of a tshirt (that’s right, the fucking bottom!) i could see how this might have happened. and who knows, maybe she has no nipple sensitivity and had no idea her shit was rolling around in the uncovered air??? i mean, it’s unlikely but i’m not ruling it out. greg is delighted by this, of course, and jennifer’s defense is like “bullshit, like i would ever hit on that gross asshole” and bitch she has a point, but then brooke says, “why not? he is beautiful!” in this very genuine way and i’m having so many confusing feelings and cannot articulate them, BUT: this whole thing is weird. something stinks!
jennifer says brooke and tom failed to pay november, december, and january rent. brooke counters that they paid november and december on the first of those months, and in lieu of paying january’s rent tom did $1200’ worth of work on jennifer’s car. (she actually says what the work was but this isn’t fucking car talk, i don’t know what a “timing change job” is!!!!!!!!!!) jennifer says that they didn’t pay those months and that tom didn’t fix her car in january, he fixed it when “he came back around in october.” okay, come on: this is a throuple, right? why on earth would you go back and see your bitchy old landlady who always had her pussy hanging out and stuck her nose in your business if not because y’all were, you know, entangled????
the ruling: now you know greg hates having to read things, and the minute tom pulls a thick stack of paperwork out of his accordion of truth™ talking about “read this letter she sent us” i knew it was a fucking wrap. tom alleges that jennifer sent them a bunch of papers absolving him and brooke from having to pay the rent, and judge mathis skims it and is like “this doesn’t mean what you think it means” and he tries to explain the legalese but tom doesn’t get it and brooke doesn’t get it and samantha doesn’t get it and jennifer is like, “wait, did i really send them that?” and greg is getting madder and madder and then he declares brooke and tom have “a failed defense” (lmao what???) and declares judgment for the plaintiff. good for jennifer!!! $900 will buy a helluva lot of full coverage bras.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: no! even with all this grade-A material he was provided! but who cares because you know whose shining face was back in the studio audience today? that guy fieri lookalike! i swear his devotion to the judge rivals my own! should he and i start a podcast...?
*bangs gavel*