plaintiff: robert from bradenton, florida. okay, apologies in advance, but i am about to lose my fucking MIND: okay a few weeks ago i started watching 90 day fiancé because my oldest sister is, like, deeply invested in the people on it? she doesn’t read my books (honestly, i don’t blame her) but she can absolutely tell me the last thing mohamed from season two posted on his instagram??? so yeah, clearly she values this show more than our relationship so i started watching it. i was immediately transfixed; i’m already on season five! obviously i’m going to save my thoughts for the inevitable 90 day newsletter i’m going to pivot to, but i had to bring it up because robert is from the same town of this woman nicole who is so vexing to my spirit that i have to fast forward the fucking show every single time she pops up on my screen. she is an infuriating and deeply upsetting person, so much so that just knowing this man is from her same town has sent me spiraling. anyway, robert looks kind of raggedy and is wearing a navy sweater vest over a light blue shirt and tie, and i really hope he’s not related to nicole because my sanded-down brain absolutely could not handle it.
defendant: andreea from bradenton, florida. i am so distracted by that extra “e” that i can’t even describe what she’s wearing??? lmao CLOTHEES.
the complaint: robert is suing his neighbor for property and emotional distress.
what does he want: $5000!!!!!!!!!!!! countersuit filed, omg: andreea would like $1000 for assault because robert “pushed her down.” oh brother, this is gonna be some shit.
how it went down: robert says he moved into their shared trailer park in 2016, and he had seen andreea around living with different men in the park. you know what’s stressful as hell????? NEIGHBORS. why does he know this much about a person he’s not related to? i miss the faceless anonymity of an apartment building full of people who don’t care if you fucking die so long as you get your shit out of the dryer as soon as it stops. they don’t watch you and speculate about your life or pay attention to how many strange gentleman callers you bring home, all they care about is that you turn your music down by 11pm and break down all your amazon boxes in the trash room. imagine knowing your neighbor well enough to sue them???? i would rather eat glass!
robert says that andreea lived with one man long enough to have his baby, which she gave up for adoption before having him arrested; she lived with another guy who broke into some other trailers, i think; and now she’s with a new dude, and i think the logical conclusion to all this petty gossiping is that robert either needs to go to jail or the fucking CIA because good god this is straight up surveillance! i learned our neighbor’s name because his cat got out and there were posters on the street, i have no idea who he fucks or where his children are??????? robert is criminally stalking!!!!!!!!!!
robert says that andreea makes money scamming older men and when greg asked how he knew (it’s worth mentioning that robert looks like a reanimated corpse and andreea is plump and youthful and attractive) robert says that one night she dropped by his trailer around 11pm and told him he could do whatever he wanted with her for $5. yeah, okay bub. i’m willing to believe a lot of things but not that this young woman wouldn’t charge what she’s worth. the nerve of this asshole.
andreea kicks it off by saying that everything robert alleges aside from the adoption is untrue. andreea says she met robert when he came over to her boyfriend’s house to ask for weed, pills, and crack. robert says that he doesn’t do drugs and it’s well known “throughout church circles” (LOLWAT) that he avoids all that shit but the way he moves his mouth and teeth says otherwise. hahaha it’s always the person whose bottom jaw is moving like a fucking hula hoop trying to convince you that they hate narcotics. andreea says that she often sees robert “stumbling” drunk around the trailer park, looking in everybody’s windows.
robert says that’s not true, he goes to church, and andreea is like “yeah, he goes to church, but when he comes home he sins.” greg says it’s the people who go to church the most who do the most sinning, and HALLELUJAH TO THAT. robert says that he left his house at seven one morning to go get coffee when andreea approached him; he says that he’d been wary of her and her gang of girlfriends who he’d heard through the grapevine had been scamming old men, so he was cautious when she pulled up on him. robert says that he was also nervous because andreea had harbored an intense hatred for him ever since he’d turned down her $5 offer. (still not buying this!!!)
his version of this story absolutely does not makes sense: robert says that he was on his way to get coffee early one morning when andreea beckoned him over to her car where she and another woman from the park (“pam,” according to him) jumped him. in the car? outside of the car?? why wouldn’t she just run his ass over??? robert says the police were called to the scene of the fight and when they got there they arrested him because four eyewitnesses (all liars, obviously) talked to the officers, and he ended up spending 28 days in jail even though he was “completely innocent.” sure!
andreea’s version sounds a bit more realistic: she says she and her friend pam were drinking coffee on pam’s porch when robert walked his ass on by and started calling them “whores” and “baby killers” and saying they were going to go to hell. which, honestly, tracks with all his “who me? i go to church!” shtick from earlier. andreea says things escalated and robert pushed her to the ground, then she ran to her boyfriend’s mom’s crib and asked her to call the cops. she confirms that when they arrived she and three other people told the police the exact same story and then robert was arrested.
the ruling: greg asks who has the police report and robert shouts “me!” and for a hot second i got nervous that his enthusiasm was going to prove my prejudgment incorrect, BUT: the judge says it sounds like what robert is trying to sue andreea for is malicious prosecution to win he needs to prove that she was essentially trying to frame him when he did nothing wrong. greg angrily whips his glasses off and holds the paper right up to his eyeballs and this is what the (female) arresting officer wrote in her report: “after he was arrested for aggravated assault, i transported him to jail. while we were in route he stated that i was a ‘nasty bitch, a manhater and such a nasty bitch.’ he then stated that he would ‘hope and pray every night that i am shot between the eyes.’ he then stated that he would ‘show up at my funeral with a cup of pee and dump it on my head.’ this continued until we arrived.”
oh bitch, you already know how the fuck greg feels about all that. there’s practically smoke coming out of his ears! why did robert even bring this damning sheet of paper into the (fake) courtroom with him?? what kind of person thinks a judge is gonna read that and be like, “okay, cool, here’s money????” i can’t even begin to understand the kind of brain worms that are wiggling around inside this dude’s skull. greg is furious, you know if robert said that wild shit while handcuffed next to a fucking cop (!!!!!!!!!!!) that he absolutely would cuss at and knock down a woman just trying to drink her taster’s choice on the lawn, judgment for the defendant and may the most high god hit that disrespectful asshole with a lightning bolt, amen!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “he’s a peep freak??? that’s how he knows everybody’s business!”
*bangs gavel*