plaintiff: xavier from ionia, michigan. HEY NEIGHBOR. xavier is wearing his finest oversized deacon suit, a pale gray number with a bit of sheen, over a pale blue shirt and shiny blue-and-gray tie. and i do believe we have our first ever litigant with a pocket square????? alright alright, bring on the class and eleganza!
defendant: marie and willie from grand rapids, michigan. aww, now i’m getting sad because i love g rap so much (it’s where the good mall is) and who knows when it’ll be safe to go back (i truly have not been anyplace other than my immediate neighborhood since march) and damn i miss it. i love the mall! we just got our first regional cheesecake factory!!!!!! anyway marie is dressed for...her wedding? i mean, she’s wearing a cream-colored slipdress with a full lace overlay (lmao who the fuck do i think i am, tim gunn???????) and modest heels, which is standard bridal attire. i mean, kohl’s bridal, but bridal nonetheless. speaking of my favorite store, kohl’s just came out with their new seasonal pajamas and i treated myself to some new ones because they are soft and cozy and if i’m going to have sex i can remove either the top or the pants (never both) depending on what type of sex i am trying to have. but mostly i just lie real still pretending to be dead while i’m wearing them and they are perfect for that and you deserve a pair. willie is decked out in a shiny brown suit-brown tie combo and did these people just get out of church?????????? these fashions!
the complaint: xavier hired his former friends to work for him, but it didn’t work out, and now he’s suing them for a cable bill.
what does he want: $794 and of course, to keep things spicy, willie and marie are countersuing for [drumroll please] $794 (!!!!!) for harassment.
how it went down: xavier, in an extremely pleasing voice, says that he wishes he’d “never met these two.” he says willie is “supposed to be a deacon” (i knew they had wild church-y vibessss) and his wife marie is “supposed to be in the choir,” and greg asks if they really aren’t and marie tersely interjects, “we’re christian people, your honor” and oh hell yeah this is gonna be great.
xavier says that he hired them both to work at his security company but then was informed by marie’s husband that she could no longer work for him because she has anger issues and had stabbed her previous boss and been arrested for felonious assault. LOL WHAT WOULD JESUS DO, AM I RIGHT???? willie kept working for xavier and they became close friends. but while willie was working for xavier he used xavier’s social security number to start collecting social security benefits in his name. i’m cryyyyying. some fucking security company he’s running over there!!!!! how you gonna keep my shit safe and your best friend slash employee is out here getting SSI checks in your name right under your fucking nose??????? i’m about to throw this computer off the roof! why is he on here?? why is he on here without his face blurred out?????? how could this possibly be good for business?????????????
i’m sorry i am in fucking shambles over here. okay so marie introduces herself and willie by saying, again, “hello, your honor, we are christian people.” uh oh. when someone starts a sentence with “i’m a christian” you know whatever they’re about to say next????? the opposite of christ-like! my grandma was a deaconess and also the meanest person on earth, trust me i know all about people who hold a bible with one hand and punch you in the chest with the other. marie cracks open her accordion of truth™ and says “speaking of felonies,” and at first glance it looks like she’s waving around a mugshot, but when greg starts reading it the camera reveals it’s an article from the local g rap newspaper.
the headline reads “peeping tom suspect arrested in grand rapids,” accompanied by a very clear picture of xavier?????????? i am losing my fucking mind. greg reads the entire article, and my heart actually fucking stopped from secondhand embarrassment. apparently this was xavier’s second time getting arrested for being a peeping tom and attempted home invasion (GOD, PLEASE) and the first time he served several months in jail????? wait a second, how in the HELL do you serve jail time for being a peeping tom and then open a security business?????????????? i am about to pass away, i’m not kidding. i am only 4 minutes and 7 seconds into this case and i have already left my body multiple times!
ohhhhh, okay! he was operating as a security guard without a license! that’s how he did it! listen man, long live scammers i guess but this is totally outrageous, and not in the fun 1980s way. imagine trusting your home security to a dude who...spent time in jail for breaking into people’s homes??? wait, you know what, maybe this is the best guy to call, because he knows all the tricks. anyway, willie and marie say they invited xavier into their home and treated him like a son, and they cannot believe he dragged them into court today.
xavier concedes that he did spend the holidays and whatnot at their house, and says that one day they asked him to set up cable for them in his name because he had good credit, and that is proof that hell yeah they treated him like their son! nothing says “mommy loves you” like ruining your kid’s credit. how would i have otherwise known my father loved me if i didn’t have an illinois bell bill in my name as a toddler????? xavier has several highlighted bills from dish network showing that willie didn’t pay for the service for months on end, resulting in xavier terminating the contract and being charged a cancellation fee on top of what he owed on the bill. goddamn, i love svu so much but these cable companies really stick it to you, eh? almost $800 for a couple of unpaid bills and the disconnect fee???? now that’s robbery!
willie and marie counter that they only owe $294, and that the extra fees were incurred when xavier spitefully shut the service off because he asked to live when them when he got out of jail and they said no. ugh life is so hard and bad. going through all this shit just to have a warm place to stay and 90 day fiancé on demand??? i hate it! where’s that socialism they keep promising???????
the ruling: there’s a lot of cross-talk and yelling, which is a lot of fun but doesn’t clarify shit. greg has been amused throughout most of this but even he is growing weary at all this shouting, and honestly this is one of those cases where it’s like “yo, you all are so dysfunctional and entangled and you obviously love it????? here’s some money, just go the fuck home!” greg keeps asking xavier to prove that they were delinquent like he doesn’t believe him but he has the proof in his hands? man, nothing is worse than handing the judge a piece of paper with a bunch of tiny ass writing on it. he’s not reading the fucking fine print! you gotta walk in with your shit on a poster board!
willie and marie start detailing the harassment claim and greg backs off of xavier because he highlighted the receipts and proved his case, and they say xavier chased them for a year and a half trying to collect the money for the cable bill. they say he called their kids and their grandkids trying to manipulate them because they moved and didn’t tell him where (good! christian! people!) to avoid having to pay him. in addition to calling their entire family tree xavier apparently tried to blackmail their granddaughter with some nudes she’d sent him, and this is so fucking gross and terrible and i’m laughing but also crying. xavier gets $480 for the dish bill sans the disconnection fee and willie and marie get $794 for harassment because even though they can’t collect on their granddaughter’s behalf, marie gave the judge a bunch of printed out text sheets™ in which xavier repeatedly called her a b——. (the lord did not want me to type out that word, amen!)
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “a peeping tom??? it’s hard for me to look at you without laughing, sir.”
*bangs gavel*