plaintiff: delores from houston, texas. auntie delores looks fresh off the dark and lovely no-lye relaxer system box: glowing chocolate skin, a deep berry lip, and a thick, shiny curtain of slick black hair, including a sideswept bayang. she’s wearing a navy cowl-neck drape-y kind of top under a black cardigan, and her accordion of truth™ is pressed as crisp as her hair is!
defendant: latonya from houston, texas. LATONYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! let me try to do this gorgeous outfit justice: low cut v-neck ruffled (!!!!!!!!) shirt under a neon pink knit shrug; truly enormous brown studded belt, like 8-10 inches wide???? just massive; wildly patterned a-line cowgirl skirt that’s, like, flouncing as she walks; a large statement necklace shimmering against her dark brown skin; FLOWING BARREL CURLS. literally, a goddess.
the complaint: delores says she allowed latonya and her children to live with her at times, but she claims her niece began using drugs and is suing her for breach of contract.
what does she want: $400????? come on, auntie delores! couldn’t you just fistfight her in a parking lot?????????? why are you wasting your carbon footprint flying from texas to chicago for four hundred funky ass dollars???? i mean, i know why, to embarrass her on daytime tv, but give me a break, ma’am! countersuit filed: the gorgeous latonya would like $1000 for harassment.
how it went down: delores kicks it off by saying that latonya is her niece and she has been taking her in occasionally since she had her third child. delores says that latonya recently asked if she and her children could move in with her again, and she was the only family member who’d even offered to put them up. delores says that latonya became friends with tooty, her neighbor, and they started “doing a little powder together.” aww, that makes it sound so nice! it really is all in the delivery, isn’t it? “smoking rocks” is, like, noooo hovering over a garbage can in a scary dark alley bad terrible! but “doing a little powder” is, like, hey would you like a cup of tea with your cocaine, ma’am? that shit sounds fucking quaint!
latonya says “this is my disowned aunt delores, i’m disowning her today, and she has been arrested multiple times for crack.” well, greg is about to have a field day with this! delores interrupts her to say “i’ve been in prison three times, but never for drugs” with the kind of hateful scorn that gave me pause. umm, excuse me, did you get locked up for doing too much charity???? how dare you look down on other people’s crimes!!!!!!!!!
latonya says she is 35 and has nine children and my birth canal just did an involuntary flex, like when neo is fighting agent smith in the train station and he realizes that he’s the one and he bends the walls and shit? my entire (useless) reproductive system just contracted like that. if i had nine unopened pieces of mail to deal with right now i would have a complete emotional breakdown, let alone nine human beings to provide food for! latonya must have the patience of a saint, wow! latonya says that delores is a crackhead and a thief and they know they didn’t have to do this shit on television, right?
delores says latonya called her at 5am one morning and told her she needed $300 to get her prescription filled at a doctor appointment later that morning and that she’d pay her the money back by 1pm. delores says she only had $270 but she told her to come on over and get it. greg asks why delores didn’t just tell her to wait until 1pm to get her meds but i’m sorry, greg: have you ever tried to change a doctor’s appointment??????? my gallbladder was acting weird a couple years ago and i had to do an ER follow up and when i called dude deadpanned, “the surgeon can see you in six weeks” like he wasn’t looking at the chart in which the emergency doctor had typed DISGUSTING BROKEN GALLBLADDER FILLED WITH SLIME (probably) and in my mind i was like “man, i hope this fucking kills me before then” but out my mouth??? “thank you, sir. see you in six weeks!”
delores says she’s softhearted and a kind aunt so she loaned latonya the $270, and latonya promised to bring her $400 (that’s a loan shark interest rate!!!!!!!! my god) but she never showed up. delores says she called her all day trying to find out where she was with the money but she never picked up. latonya has a printed out facebook message™ from delores in which she claims her aunt says “i’ll give you $270, and i want $130 profit.” greg is immediately like WAIT WAIT HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE, and god i am so stupid because what is clearly happening here never even occurred to me: delores wanted latonya to go to the doctor and get pills, then she was going to flip those pills and cut aunt delores in on the profits. lmao what a dumb suburban bitch, i’m really thinking my girl’s gotta go pay out of pocket for penicillin or plan b and she’s really out here getting oxys to sell?????? WHY ARE THEY RECONCILING THIS ON TV, I AM BEGGING?????????? please!
the ruling: greg is mad as hell. “y’all think i don’t know what this is?????” he roars at them, and honestly maybe delores thought it was worth taking a chance??? i mean, it didn’t click for me that this was a drug deal gone bad until six minutes into the case! maybe they could’ve fooled him!!!! delores shrugs like “oh well” and i almost fell out of my chair laughing. jesus, this is the perfect show. okay so latonya has many printed out facebook sheets™ in which delores is talking cash shit all over everything she posts. a picture of her car? “latonya is a stank ass bitch.” a picture of her outfit? “you need to brush your teeth, you stank ass bitch!” just kinko’s sheet after kinko’s sheet of harassment all over black auntie facebook, which prompts greg to award latonya $300 for the trouble of having to delete all those defamatory posts. as for delores’ claim, greg screams, “you know i can’t enforce an illegal contract in here! i’m not making her pay you dope money! you can forget about that.” judgement for the defendant, and for the sackler family, i guess!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: doyle “i guess tooty likes to toot.” greg “true dat!”
*bangs gavel*