plaintiff: susan from rochester, new york. oh how i live for a zaftig woman in a bold and striking jewel tone! susan is wearing a royal blue (emphasis on the royal) tunic that laces up in the front, an item of clothing i cannot begin to imagine putting in a washing machine yet absolutely not fancy enough to warrant a trip to the dry cleaner??? anyway, that’s the kind of shit that consumes my smooth-ass brain, which i think explains a lot about my various mental illnesses! seriously though, there is nothing worse than finding a great pair of pajama pants and then realizing upon putting them on that they have a goddamn drawstring that’s going to fall out or bunch up or become irretrievably lost inside the waistband, rendering them droopy and unwearable. lmao this is so dumb i hope you missed me!
defendant: timothy and mary from rochester, new york. man, it’s gotta be wild to be brought on television to get sued by your mom and y’all all still live in the same town and probably go to the same hardware store or whatever??? i have no idea how big rochester is (you know i don’t believe in “looking things up”) but i’m sure it’s not so big that they never cross paths at the donut spot or the pharmacy sometimes! awkward!!! timothy is wearing a maroon dress shirt and tie beneath a black sweater vest and mary is wearing a black bodysuit under a gray cardigan and they are sharing a joint accordion of truth™ which obviously means they are extremely in love.
the complaint: susan says her daughter-in-law never liked her because a psychic said she was no good (i’m crying) and now susan is suing her son and his wife for an unpaid collections bill.
what does she want: $2870
how it went down: susan introduces her son “tim” and says their relationship is “kinda good, sometimes bad, but mostly okay.” umm susie, sweetie, that describes my relationship to literally everything. she says they’ve had some rough patches over the years, and that her relationship with her daugher-in-law was “doomed from the start” because a psychic told [mary] that [susan] was bad news. omg what i wouldn’t fucking give to have a psychic on retainer just to warn me about people before getting involved with them! i’m sure the psychic isn’t telling her more than she could find out with a cursory glance at mama’s facebook page but tbh psychics are more fun and less riddled with ads. AND ALSO NEVER WRONG.
susan says that she and mary had a tense relationship, exacerbated by mary’s constant chirping in tim’s ear about how much she hated his mom. but, somehow?????, that didn’t stop susan from moving in with them to, and she say this with a straight face, “be closer to [her] grandchildren.” LOLWAT. okay if my psychic told me you gave her bad vibes there’s no way i’m gonna let you move into my crib, and on the flip side if you spend 23 hours a day telling my son what a piece of shit i am idc how cute those grandchildren are there’s not a chance in hell i’m gonna be sleeping in the next room from where you’re making a fucking burn book about me??? so come on susie just tell us the real story!
susan says that last september one of her family members passed and tim and mary opened their home to the woman’s husband and two children and it “was a nightmare.” damn, how big is this house?? tim and mary, tim’s mom, their child(ren), the widower, and his two kids????? should we all...buy lavish, sprawling homes in rochester???????? susan says that part of the reason things in the house were so bad was because mary kept accusing her of “having sexual relations with [the widower].” okay, i am a piece of shit but if you accuse someone of fucking in your house? unless you live in an estate the size of a college campus i’m going to believe you!!! you know when people are fucking in your house!!!!!!! first of all, THERE’S A SMELL. don’t play with me, you know what i’m talking about. it smells like entrails and secretions. and, unless this house truly is gargantuan, bitch you can hear it!!!
tim kicks it off by gesturing toward mary and saying, “my wife, she’s pretty hard to get along with” and LOL EXCUSE ME?????? if i was in the other room talking on the phone to my homie like “ugh dude, kirsten is getting on my nerves” she would rocket launch herself at me from whatever corner of the house she was hiding in (this house is so small, god!) and demand to know who i was talking to and then demand i hand over the phone so she could give her side; fast forward two hours and she’s laughing and giggling with mark from high school about what a dumb asshole i am. i can’t imagine calling her an unlikable bitch in court????? does he have a fucking death wish?! this is about to be hilarious!
greg asks why she’s hard to get along with and tim says “she’s a demanding person, she likes things a certain way.” greg asks if she bosses tim around and tim says “no, i run the house” and lmao me too, tim. *wink wink* tim says the reason mary and his mother didn’t get along was because his mother was intentionally provocative, doing things like rearranging the cabinets and “organizing” mary’s things which, as we all know, is a crime punishable by death.
mary says that susan bragged to other people that she was intentionally antagonizing (is that redundant? i’m stupid!) her, and when the judge asks why susan would do that tim pipes up, “because she took me away from her.” ooh, yikes. mary also says that she witnessed a lot of flirting and touching between susan and the widow when greg asks her about the rumors, which is why she started telling people she thought they were banging. (note: the “flirting” consisted of susan walking around in a push up bra and heels, and the widower rubbing on susan’s butt out in the open in front of everybody. open and shut case of “yeah, we fucked.” *bangs gavel*)
susan says that tim got real hyped to start a landscaping business, so she helped him by opening a line of credit. susan says everything was going well until mary kicked her out of the house for banging the widower. tim interjects to say that susan was a bad mother who moved him around a lot and susan is like “who cares? wtf that got to do with this credit card???” and you know what? CORRECT. he’s old enough to disconnect from his toxic mother! you can’t be grown as hell, borrowing money from your mom, and also be like “she sucked when i was 10, let’s clown her.” unlesssssss that’s your defense for not paying her ass back! anyway tim says that he kicked his mom out, not his wife, because she was running the street telling all his “marital business.” DID HE THINK THAT WOULD STOP IT??????? give her back her money so she can get a smartphone and go on tinder!
the ruling: tim says that his mom told him “not to worry about” repaying the loan because he was “down on his luck.” greg asks why he thinks she changed her mind and i’m gonna guess her reasons sound something like “making me homeless” while also “stopping me from getting dick.” tim says that he and his mother didn’t have a written agreement, and these folks are gonna learn about pretending to be lawyer’s in greg mathis’s courtroom, because he immediately corrects that tim “assumed her agreement with the finance company” because she got the credit line specifically for him and his business, and it’s too bad the psychic didn’t tell him to duck before he got hit with this L. judgment for his mama!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “ma’am, do you actually go see psychics? well then tell me who is gonna win this case!”
*bangs gavel*