plaintiff: juliana from walled lake, michigan. juliana is dressed the way i would dress for a lovely afternoon under unflattering fluorescent courtroom lights: like a fucking witch! i like looking like a walking pile of black rags and apparently so does she. i know it sounds like i’m making fun of her but trust me, i spend 99% of my life walking around like a pile of dirty laundry, shrouded in shapeless black garments that are indiscernible from one another. is sam wearing a sweater or a jacket? a shirt or a nightgown? a skirt or trash bag? who can say! juliana and i obviously get our clothes from the same section at the goth store, and she is wearing a black cardigan (or a coat) over a loose-fitting black shirt (or maybe it’s a dress?) and her icy blonde hair is sparkling. too bad she couldn’t find a black accordion of truth™, that would’ve really set the look off.
defendant: john from lansing, michigan. my in-laws live in lansing (isn’t it totally fucking weird that i have in-laws??????) and the only thing i remember about it is there is a sephora and a pf chang’s there, and honestly what else do i even have to know? once on this sweltering summer day i was driving to the good lansing mall and the tire on our old car completely shredded off on the dusty ass country backroads i was speeding down, and as i was sitting on the shoulder waiting for a tow truck this dude trotted up all casual on the back of a busted-looking horse and motioned for me to roll my window down so he could shout “hey, can i help you?” at me, and i looked around my air conditioned car at the speakers from which i was blasting some al jarreau with its emergency stash of unsweetened granola then back at his starving-ass horse and was like, “sir, can i help you????” because unless that horse is don from the bob goldthwait classic hot to trot (a movie i watched 700 times as a child and if you’ve even heard of it i will marry you on the spot) what exactly are you gonna do to help me other than ask that animal to kick me to death? anyway john is black and husky and thankfully not riding a dang horse.
the complaint: juliana dated john and worked for him and he never paid her so she’s suing for the outstanding money he owes. dating and working for?????? no bueno, sis!
what does she want: $1456
how it went down: juliana says she started dating john in september 2015 and he immediately interrupts, mumbling “we weren’t dating, we were friends” and damn are we gonna do another one of these so soon???? these “she thinks we were dating but i told her we were just friends” cases are fucking with my emotions!!!!! this is not the appropriate place to re-litigate every one of my failed relationships, BUT: this has happened to me so many times and i am reflective enough to know when i am being an idiot or intentionally misinterpreting a situation and i bet juliana is too, and when is a dude ever gonna throw his hands up and say, “look, i led her on, i wanted her to think we were dating so she’d [enter whatever humiliation she’d agreed to based on whatever tenuous romance they’d established] and i’m sorry i did that.” wouldn’t that be so easy?????
juliana says that john assured her that she was the only one he was seeing (why say that if you aren’t dating?) yet he was super cagey with her and called the shots about when they could see each other. that’s a weird sentence but she said it weird so let me try to fix it: they lived in two different towns, and john only saw juliana when he asked her to come over. like, she wasn’t allowed to spontaneously drop by or surprise him with a visit, and it’s probably because he was seeing other people but man why not just say that? doesn’t that make it easier for everybody????
but wait, juliana has a key to his house! see, this is why i shouldn’t write these recaps during prime spiraling hours, because i can feel myself on the verge of an idiotic 2000-word rant about mixed signals and i haven’t even gotten to what she’s suing him for. we’re still laying the groundwork!!!! (seriously, though, don’t give a person your house key and then get mad that they think you’re together!) one night juliana was at his crib, to which she’d been invited, while john was out partying. when he came home she was lying in his bed and overheard john’s son ask how many women he was dating. john said “three, and i can’t handle any of them,” and that’s when juliana knew she was done, except they are tied together by a 501c3. (i’m not googling that!)
john says that when he met juliana she was cool, but then she started “pushing herself on [him].” he says when they met she started helping him out at his farmer’s market, but the more she worked there the more intense she got with the romance stuff, but he just wanted to keep it a casual friends with benefits type of situation. “then why did you ask me to move in with you the first week?” juliana interrupts, and see? this is that bullshit i’m talking about!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s clingy and she moved too fast, but he asked her to move in within days of meeting her?????? i’m sick!
okay so the two of them started a 501c3, which i learned against my will is a nonprofit tax exempt charitable organization, and theirs was to help underprivileged kids in the state of michigan. juliana and john had to get a bank account together (sounds intimate, but ok) and juliana paid the money to establish the charity. now i’m gonna skip over some of what she says next, because juliana gives an incredibly smart and thorough breakdown of their plan, and i cannot stress enough how business words don’t even penetrate my fucking brain. it’s like listening to a language i don’t speak, i just smile politely until whoever it is stops talking about “seed money” and “dissolution.”
blah blah blah john agreed to pay juliana $13 an hour and she spent 112 hours doing his accounting and other various managerial tasks. she’s not being clear about her role and duties within the company and it’s probably because she was never given an official title from john but greg is getting pissed and remind me to never start a charity, the shit seems hella complicated! john says that he wasn’t the one who put the money down and that juliana did it without telling him, and greg is like wait a fucking minute, you can’t pay to start a charity and then expect the charity to pay you, that’s self-dealing and IT IS ILLEGAL. oh shit, actual crime!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i’m gonna spare you john’s explanation of what the business was and how it was supposed to work because it’s confusing as hell and greg is in a rage but not the fun kind and just say this: regular people shouldn’t do shit like this. now don’t get me wrong, i am regular as hell and also very dumb, so i mean myself, too. if you don’t have a law degree or an accounting license or a phd in charities (listen i told you i was a moron!) then you should absolutely just shut the fuck up and donate whatever you can to organizations that are already established, or get a lawyer/accountant/doctor of giving to work with you on your charity, because this is absolutely a nightmare! greg is now talking about illegal fundraising and bank fraud and honestly why would you put yourself through this hell for no reason when the ronald mcdonald house is right there???????? OPEN YOUR PURSE!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: juliana has worked herself up into a lather and i get it but girl do you remember the part where the judge said what you are trying to do is against the law??? quit while you’re ahead! juliana takes some highlighted bank statements and ledgers out of her accordion of truth™ in a last ditch effort to prove...i don’t even know what to judge mathis but he isn’t having it. “ma’am, we’re talking about you stealing money from this agency. it’s against the law! you incorporated it yourself, and you were the first one after fundraising to pay yourself! i don’t care! go look it up! you’re suing him for your illegal activities and i cannot stand behind that. your case is dismissed, have a great day!”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “have you helped any children yet? sounds like you’re the only one that got helped!”
*bangs gavel*