plaintiff: patrick from inglewood, california. patrick is wearing a royal blue dress shirt with a bold yellow and blue diagonal striped tie, a color combination that would be equally at home in a college football marching band or an old timey barbershop quartet!
defendant: amber from compton, california. amber is a tall drink of acid in a screaming neon yellow minidress, busting into the courtroom cradling her accordion of truth™ like a newborn. her hair is freshly pressed and whooshing beautifully around her face, and is she going to the club after this?????? she looks like she knows how to have some goddamn fun.
the complaint: patrick met amber at a traffic light, they began dating soon after, and now he’s suing her for stolen property. siri, play billy ocean’s “get outta my dreams, get into my car” please!!!!
what does he want: $3000 countersuit filed, which is great because it’s been awhile since i’ve cringed half to death??? amber would like $2000 because patrick had the audacity to cheat on her. judgment for the defendant, let’s go home!
how it went down: okay this is a first, greg kicks things off, saying “sir, you’re suing your ex-girlfriend for $3000 for stolen property and ma’am, you’re countersuing for $2000 for emotional distress?” i don’t know why he’s spicing things up this episode but i’m into it! doyle says “did she steal his heart?” to the judge and boy do i love a corny dad joke. patrick says he met amber a year ago when they noticed each other across a crowded intersection. after making googly eyes at each other for a few seconds he motioned for her to do an illegal u-turn so he could talk to her and she did. but, patrick says, if he’d known then what he knows now? he should’ve just ran that fucking light.
listen, this is the kind of chance encounter that makes me believe romance is real! what could be more serendipitous than looking up from scrolling twitter while you should be paying attention to surrounding traffic and catching the eye of your one true love through the cloudy haze of exhaust fumes then risking smashing your camry in a thousand pieces pulling a daredevil stunt to chase his ass down??? someone write this romcom!!!!!!!!!!!!
greg asks how the relationship has been over the past year they’ve been together and patrick says “we weren’t together” then turns to amber to reiterate “we! weren’t! together!” and amber says “then why did i meet your mom?” and are we seriously doing this again??????? patrick says that amber being clingy and possessive within weeks of their hanging out, even though he thought they were just “cool” and only occasionally getting together to have sex and smoke weed.
i am not going to fully lose my shit because it’s still early and my cauldron of night wine hasn’t fully kicked in yet, but i did have several cups of afternoon coffee today so let me just say this: these situations would be a lot easier if the participants would call it something like “we’re sexy weed friends” rather than the ambiguous “we’re cool.” remember that chappelle show skit where he asked ol girl to sign a sex contract? can we call a senator or something and legislate that into reality????? not necessarily for sex, but in this case patrick could have leaned out of his car window with a clipboard like “sign here for zero commitment, the occasional blunt, and sex every now and then” and amber could’ve countered with “well, i need to add an unavoidable jealousy clause and a possession waiver” and when they couldn’t reach an agreement they could’ve walked away before hurting each other’s feelings!
patrick says that in addition to the crime of trying to make a boyfriend out of him amber also got his name tattooed on her body after they’d known each other only a month and regularly tried to go through his phone. amber says everything was going well in her relationship with patrick until he was the one who started wilding out: coming over all the time, constantly monitoring where she was, insisting on driving her to work every day. patrick says yeah he drove her to work every day, but that’s only because she wanted to make sure he picked her back up, which is clearly concrete proof that she had an obsession with him. dating is such an absolute nightmare, how have any of us ever survived it?
finally, THE PROPERTY: amber and patrick were driving in her car (keeping things on brand, i love that) when they got into an argument. amber pulled over and patrick got out of the car to get some air. while they were cooling off from the fight, amber received a video on her phone from a woman, and that video allegedly featured patrick and the mystery lady engaging in hardcore unprotected sex. this was obviously news to amber, especially since she was under the impression that they were only sleeping with each other, and she drove off in a rage with a chain patrick had been wearing still in her front seat.
amber says that she pawned the necklace (my queen!) and gave patrick the pawn receipt so he could go buy it back (i love her!), especially since he still owed her money because she bailed him out of jail, and why on earth would she bail dude out of jail just so he could go sleep with other women (okay, i do not love this logic but i’m still team amber) on her dime??? the judge asks amber what her emotional distress countersuit is about, and she says it’s because patrick put her health at risk having unprotected sex with multiple partners and because he drove her car to see other women, putting her at risk of getting jumped when they saw her in the car they assumed was his. let me tell you something: this dude is handsome, for sure, but certainly not “get your ass beat over him” handsome. i think amber has a case!
the ruling: amber does not have a case. greg says that if you could sue someone for cheating then the line to get into his courtroom would wrap around the block. amen, brother! he says “cheating is not an actionable offense; however, stealing his chain as an angry response is.” damn, that’s the worst fucking part of doing some badass cool shit, that it’s probably punishable by law. mannnnn i would kill to see the face of someone who’d wronged me as i handed them a pawn shop receipt for their own shit?????? EXHILARATING. unfortunately, amber admitted to retaliating against patrick and essentially stealing the chain, so judgment for the plaintiff, and whatever doctor she gets to laser that tattoo off her ass.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “how much did you make from that sex tape? nothing???? welp, you better put it online!”
*bangs gavel*