plaintiff: joshua from san francisco, california. joshua is wearing a neatly pressed office shirt under a royal blue sweater vest and i’m sure he’s an upstanding citizen but he looks a little bit like joe bang from logan lucky and i love that movie so his bumpy, misshapen head is pleasantly distracting!
defendant: tracy from san francisco, california. these two know their way around a cozy fucking knit! tracy is wearing one of those thick pullover sweaters with the half zip, the kind of thing i imagine businessmen in colorado wear on the weekends? under that he’s wearing a shirt and tie, and his deep black hair and goatee look freshly Just For Men’d.
the complaint: even though the defendant is “much older,” joshua claims they lived together but broke up over the tracy’s partying ways and he’s suing him for an unpaid loan.
what does he want: $350??????????? ABSOLUTELY NOT, SIR.
how it went down: joshua says that he met tracy through mutual friends in washington and immediately moved in with him and they moved to san francisco. four months into their living together joshua says that tracy’s constant drinking and partying were just too much for him. now, tracy looks like he’s in pajamas every night by 8:30 and tucked in by 10, so i am incredibly excited about this new development.
joshua takes some shots at tracy for being old but tbh tracy looks better than him??? so he should stop. josh says, all shady like, “there’s a huge age difference, so...” and gregory replies “how much younger is he???” and lmao FACE CRACK OF THE CENTURY. joshua is stunned but quickly recovers and whispers a chastened “he’s older.” this is why you gotta be careful when you try to clown people! you gotta do a full face and body inventory before you let an insult rip, otherwise you look like a complete asshole when they throw something about your ass right back in your ugly face. anyway tracy is 55 and joshua is 32 and greg is like “let’s switch those around, you look haggard as hell.”
joshua continues, saying “so i ended up meeting his ex, who is now my husband, which is a nightmare right now” and excuse me??????????? *record scratch* is he fucking joking????????? i bet it’s a fucking nightmare!!! greg, who loves him some mess, can hardly contain his excitement. “you married your ex’s ex??” greg is shocked and so am i. joshua says that tracy introduced him to his ex when he asked him to fix his computer, and my brain is too addled to make a coherent HARD DRIVE joke so just enter your own here. i’m fucking gobsmacked, this is the best. greg thinks so, too. “i try not to pass judgment but that sounds dirty. is that lowdown or not?” he polls the audience and they unanimously agree that that’s a shitty move. “the jury has spoken!”
after some more light slandering from joshua (“all he does is drink and party!”) greg turns to tracy and says “let me get your opinion on things” and tracy says “it is lowdown and it is dirty.” CASE CLOSED. tracy says that he took joshua to his ex-boyfriend’s house and asked him to run in and pick up a pair of glasses he’d left there. because they live in san francisco, where there is no parking, tracy said he’d circle the block while joshua ran upstairs. tracy said he circled and circled and circled (oh my god oh my god) and circled the block waiting for joshua and he (OH MY FUCKING GOD) just...never! came! out! i have to go lie down somewhere, i think my heart just stopped??????? he pulled over to call joshua and he didn’t answer, then he tried his ex who also didn’t answer, and he kept calling both numbers until eventually his calls went straight to voicemail. tracy then drove home to, you know, the place where he lived with his young boyfriend joshua, which is also the place joshua did not return to for two! whole! days!
MY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR. i just...the disrespect! i’m gagged!!! and greg is, too. dude is literally speechless, just sitting behind the bench with his mouth agape in horror. i forget sometimes that this is the kind of shit people do to each other, and boy are we terrible. everyone in the room is stunned. greg finally turns to tracy and in his nice dad voice says “you doing all right? you got another partner...husband...boyfriend...spouse?” okay judge mathis! noted lgbt+ ally!!!!!!!! tracy says he’s okay but greg is like “damn, if this happened to me i would still be crying.” i wouldn’t, because lexapro has destroyed my ability to make tears, but i would have still been waiting outside my ex’s house waiting for either of them to come outside so i could hit them with my fucking car.
joshua says that he and tracy didn’t talk for two years but then they crossed paths and a few days after that tracy hit him up asking to borrow $350 for a loan to fix his car. honestly? considering that he drove the tires bald on that car circling around his ex’s block that’s the least he could do! he basically owes him a new car!!!!!!!!! joshua procures a promissory note that he says tracy signed but tracy has no memory of it, but he also says that joshua’s current husband aka his former boyfriend asked him for a loan and are there only nine men in san francisco OR WHAT????? get new friends!
the ruling: the judge asks to see tracy’s id so he can compare it to the signature on the promissory note. doyle takes a beat too long to do the transfer and greg says, “hurry up! i’m upset!” and lmao same. you do that foul shit and then drag dude into court for a measly three hundred bucks???? electric chair! doesn’t anyone feel guilt or shame anymore? if i had fallen in love with my boyfriend’s ex within seconds of making his acquaintance in a dimly-lit hallway while my boyfriend burned up a full tank of gas driving up and down them steep ass hills in his hyundai or whatever, and i could buy my forgiveness with $350?????????? i would leap at the chance! you know how rare it is to be able to buy your way out of a problem you caused??? why is joshua looking this gift horse in the mouth?!
well, the signature is an exact match and that’s too bad. but hold up PLOT TWIST, BITCH: tracy paid the money back to his former boyfriend slash joshua’s current husband! he has a witness statement to support that fact!!!!!! this is maybe the greatest thing to ever happen!!!!!!! as he’s handing the witness statement to the judge, joshua pipes up and says, “well i brought something that shows that we’ve been separated for over a year.” what?????? come again????????????? well when you do dirt you get dirt, babe. holy shit, what a ride! greg cannot believe this shit and i am literally sobbing. what in the world! greg says that since joshua brought proof of the separation and tracy can’t prove that his former boyfriend cum joshua’s former husband (eventually???) ever gave joshua the money it’s gonna be judgment for the plaintiff, but really judgment for that ex, who i assume must be an insanely hot piece.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: to tracy “you look relatively young, sir, like you’re in your 30s.” to joshua, after an awkward pause, “and you look like you’re in your 50s!!!!!!” *face shatters*
*bangs gavel*