plaintiff: anesha from grand rapids, michigan. alright this is exciting because we are practically neighbors! i love g rap, it’s like 45 minutes away and has all the shit i like: cute, overpriced coffee shops and bright, shiny shopping malls. when we’re all free and vaccinated i can’t wait to go back to the little bird because it’s adorable as hell and to donkey taqueria for some good ass tacos and to my fave pupuseria el salvador because they have incredible pupusas that are worth getting murdered by the side of a country ass road for. anesha has the stern look of a woman who’s seen it all couple with the blunt-banged stiff purple bob of a manic pixie dream girl and i love her. i can’t tell if she’s 22 or 102.
defendant: i’manuel from las vegas, nevada. i’manuel is tall and suave and lightskinned and goateed and looks like he could be a love interest in a janet jackson video circa 1996. *queues up “i get lonely” on the boombox*
the complaint: anesha is suing her first love (ruh roh) slash ex-boyfriend for an unpaid loan.
what does she want: $300?? THIS AGAIN??????????? what’s her venmo????????????????????????????????
how it went down: anesha begins by telling the judge it’s an honor to meet him, which is correct, but she’s sad that it’s for this reason. and anesha really does sound devastated to be in court today! she says that she’s known i’manuel since they first started dating in the early 90s and he was her first love. anesha says i’manuel is a “bad boy” who got locked up for selling drugs and “getting money” and she stood by his side through all that.
once he got out of prison anesha thought she and i’manuel were finally going to settle down and be a family but, unfortunately, he wasn’t ready so they decided to go their separate ways. idk dude, i gotta be team i’manuel on this one. i don’t know that after spending years in prison my first thought when i got out would be “why don’t i immediately settle down with this person...forever.” i mean, my first thoughts would be 1 point me toward the nearest soft and luxurious bed i can sleep in for a week and 2 get me some nachos, but after that i’d want to party and by “party” i mean “not get married.”
anesha says that despite having gone their separate ways romantically she and i’manuel remained friends, and he regularly checks up on her and does dad stuff for her son like cutting his hair for prom and giving him the sex talk. that is a very nice thing to do for a person! especially the sex talk, unless he said some hotep shit about spreading his seed or whatever.
i’manuel agrees that he and anesha met and dated in the 90s and that they dated until he was incarcerated, then after he got out they rekindled their romance until he was locked up again. i’manuel is clearly not trying to talk about what he went to prison for and maybe he could’ve gotten away with that on judge judy but not up in here! greg is like “how long did you go away for” and i’manuel hesitantly says “eight and a half years” like that’s going to be the end of it but not so fast, son! greg says “for drugs” and i’manuel’s sheepish reply is “for trafficking guns.” wow, dude, that’s like...a TV crime! that’s impressive!!!!!!!! that’s a glamorous crime, like “racketeering,” whatever the fuck that is!
greg takes this opportunity to educate us on how guns wind up in the hands of kids and how crack destroyed the black community, but i hate learning so i fast forwarded. greg asks i’manuel who was in the crew he used to run with and, uhhhhh, your honor????? are you trying to get this man killed???????????? he can’t just come on syndicated daytime television and spill his gun secrets! i’m from the suburbs and even i know that!!!!!!!! i’manuel declines to answer that question (someone get him into wit sec, please!) and instead talks about how he’s rehabilitated himself and how his sons are going off to college and the navy and he started his own company and man i love a happy ending!
BUT WHAT: the lawsuit! anesha says that i’manuel asked to borrow $1500-2000 to “catch up on some bills.” man, i love black people. if you had told me the basics of this case, omitting the litigants names and back stories and identifying details, but left in that one person asked the other for 1500 to 2000 dollars, i would know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the combatants were my people. every time anyone in my family has needed to borrow money, or shit, any time my black ass has asked to borrow money, it’s never a hundred or even a thousand dollars, it’s always “whatever you can spare” or “[the minimum amount of money that could potentially solve my problem] to [the amount of money i really want but am too afraid to ask for].” we will always give you a range, then leave it up to you to decide how much you can afford to never get paid back. HILARIOUS.
anesha said she couldn’t give him the full $2000 but could part with $300, so she did and he never paid it back. i’manuel says that he told her “if you need it back right away don’t lend it to me” and yo i hear THAT. you can’t, you know, loan your rent or grocery money to people! if you need it, and you are gonna need it soon, keep it! anyway i’manuel says he told anesha he would pay her back in a few months but she alleges that he said a few weeks so here we are in court about it.
the ruling: anesha has months’ worth of printed out text sheets™ in her accordion of truth™ and she whips them out to give to the judge and greg is nice about but yeah, he’s not reading all of that shit. so he gives it back to her and makes anesha find the part where i’manuel agreed to pay her back, and let me tell you something: listening to people’s texts and/or emails being read aloud??????? EXCRUCIATING. my ears almost started bleeding listening to anesha read “hey babes, i need that money this week” because i am easily embarrassed by listening to a person’s private correspondence! i’manuel texted back that indeed she would have it by week’s end, and that week came and went in 2017. judgment for the plaintiff, and for all the exes i’m about to text asking for $100-$10,000 to pay my “bills.”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “what happened to all that money he was ‘getting?’ aren’t you here suing him for a loan???”
*bangs gavel*