plaintiff: misha from chicago, illinois. miss misha is a vision in a floral print top and seafoam green cardigan, and is this the first time someone has come into the courtroom dressed like a gorgeous spring day??? i think so!
defendant: brandy from rockford, illinois. it appears that brandy got the easter service memo, as she is dressed in a bright coral pantsuit and a distractingly shiny (i mean, straight up glistening) church wig.
the complaint: misha is suing her husband’s ex-wife for harassment. (oh shit)
what does she want: $5000 (OH SHIT) countersuit filed oh hell yes: brandy would also like 5000 harassment dollars from misha!
how it went down: misha says that she knows brandy because she is the ex-wife of her husband, to whom she has been married for ten years. okay, so i don’t really know what this case is about yet, BUT: how can you still be on bad terms with someone you divorced 10+ years ago????? hold up, i know how, but also HOW??????????? you know how hard it is to actively dislike a person for a decade?? how has brandy not slid into ambivalence toward this dude yet?
okay hang on apparently i am getting ahead of myself: misha says that she met husband (idk his name so that’s what we’re calling him) ten years ago and they had three children. then they broke up for eight years, during which he married the defendant and had several children with her, and now they are back together and had two more children. EXCUSE ME????? first of all this is what i get for forming an opinion before i am equipped with all of the facts. second??? this shit is out of control, HELP.
greg asks misha why husband told her he split up with his other wife (are y’all following this) and she says “they couldn’t get along” and greg is like “that means he was cheating.” i am so sorry but i cannot get over this. there are so many people in the greater chicagoland area!!! i know a lot of them!!!!!!!! expand your dating pool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! misha says that she and brandy haven’t gotten along from the day they met and that brandy has accused her of being jealous, which is hilarious because the only person making out like a bandit in this situation is dude??? like, somehow he managed to sow all this discord between these two beautiful ladies, so much that they are now arguing with each other in television court, and he’s not even there to witness it??? shit, i wanna be him. he must be made of teflon!
brandy says that when she was with willie (husband has a name!) she insisted that he try to co-parent with misha because he’d been out of her children’s lives for over ten years. hang on, this timeline doesn’t make fucking sense at least according to what i think misha said???, but who cares i’m just gonna soldier on. so brandy was like “hey you abandoned your kids i hate that get involved” and willie said “okay i hate their mother but whatever” and he did, but then he ended up getting involved with misha too (in the biblical sense) and brandy was blindsided by that and that’s why they hate each other. does this make sense because i honestly can’t tell???
misha + willie: together years ago but not married, many kids.
brandy + willie: got together while willie was ignoring those same kids, then had other kids???
willie + misha: got back together behind brandy’s back, which is mean!
brandy: divorces willie, says misha can have him, is somehow surprised when he stops taking care of the children she had with him.
misha + willie: now married and suing brandy.
whew!
misha’s 23-year-old son was murdered a year ago, after which misha says brandy started calling and harassing her. she says the day of the funeral brandy called the funeral home director and asked if she could arrange a time to visit the young man’s body because she was “family.” WHAT. can you just...go and look at someone’s dead son? what the fuck! misha says that brandy never called her to offer condolences, so it was weird (that’s putting it mildly) that she thought she should get a private viewing of her son’s body. brandy jumps in, shrieking at full volume, saying that she loved misha’s son and she is his family because she was technically his stepmother when she and his father were married, and yo this is why having a family is overrated because this is the kind of shit ~families~ do. demanding to see the dead son of your ex-husband’s current wife who also hates your fucking guts???? and calling the funeral home behind her back to arrange it????????? THAT IS MESSY AS HELL.
brandy starts yelling at misha about how she would never hurt her or her children (even though she has already), but misha counters that in addition to the funeral home shenanigans brandy calls her all the time, taunting her and saying she’s jealous of her, among other things. oh shit, and there’s a recording! they play it and misha starts crying and the gist of the call is that yeah, sorry brandy, you’re harassing her! misha says repeatedly on the recording that it’s 3am and an inappropriate time to call in general but especially now that she’s mourning her son who just died, and brandy argues that she’s an asshole for not allowing brandy and willie’s other kids to come to the funeral, but misha says over and over “i didn’t decide that, willie did!” on the second call we get to hear, misha answers “hello?” and brandy immediately shouts “you’re jealous of me!” and slams the phone down. damn willie must have the best stroke game on planet earth because i absolutely cannot fathom carrying on like this over any normal-dicked person!
why isn’t willie in court today? i understand that the beef is between the women but i sure do wish we could get a look at this dude. what are the odds he’s worth it?????? when the damning tape ends brandy, who is pretty fucking unhinged, screams about the recording not painting the full picture but girl we heard you! greg asks her if she’s on crack because “crackheads talk like that” and she says no, but she’s gotta be on something. i hope! greg asks brandy to explain all the inflammatory shit we just listened to and, duh, she can’t! she was hollering at a grieving mother on the phone and she’s hollering in the courtroom, i think we know she’s great at harassing!
the ruling: brandy has a ton of “evidence” that misha has harassed her too but it’s all printed out text sheets™ of stuff other people have done? brandy says “well in these messages i’d like to submit, willie’s niece said—” and greg cuts her off, shouting, “irrelevant! sue the niece!” and it’s clear that all this yelling and interrupting and hysteria has just been a smokescreen for brandy’s obvious guilt. i’m sure she had no idea that misha was recording her ass and she thought printing out her entire phone history was gonna do something but, ummm, she’s definitely about to lose. how do you compete with a grieving mother begging you to stop calling her on tape????
greg asks brandy about her countersuit and brandy pulls out 33 pages of “witness statements” in which she says misha’s kids claim they like her more than their mother, which is hilarious and evidence of nothing other than teenage angst. brandy is rifling through pages and pages of documents, but it’s all tangential gossipy shit, not evidence of misha having done anything directly to her????? why did she print out her entire facebook history???????? i am losing it! all this back-and-forth bullshit because brandy couldn’t come to the funeral of her ex’s kid with another woman she claims to hate?? my head is spinning! anyway judgment for the plaintiff because duh. and, as for brandy, greg says “your case is dismissed and so are you.”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “what would you have to be jealous of? you’re the one who got the man!”
*bangs gavel*
i love you, sweeties! we’re gonna be okay!