plaintiff: kristania from dayton, ohio. another stud????? ok! kristania is wearing a blue dress shirt and khakis, completed by a sharp caesar fade and and delectable eyebrow cuts. is there anything more irresistible? absolutely not!
defendants: tiwana and ashley from cincinatti, ohio. tiwana is wearing a bold merlot tunic and ashley is in a deep eggplant version, and again i wonder if co-litigants coordinate their outfits before court or just wing it and hope they look complementary?? tiwana has large cursive script across her entire breastplate (love that) and ashley is serving tits on toast (super love that), basically these two just look incredible. and also?????? PISSED!
the complaint: kristania is suing her ex-girlfriend’s mother and sister (hold up) for money that went missing after a night of partying, and wow i am extremely stressed out just writing that!
what does she want: $1700 (she had $1700 just...lying around??? that is a level of confidence and relaxation i could only dream of achieving!)
how it went down: kristania begins by saying that her mother died this year from cancer and she (kristania) used to date the daughter of the mother (more on this in a sec), who served as a mother figure to her after her own mom passed. okay, so...i cannot believe these women are mother and daughter. yes, as a 200-year-old black woman who doesn’t look a day over 72 i understand that black doesn’t crack but come on both of these women look like they’re in high school! drop the skincare routine, ashley and/or tiwana! anyway because they bother look young and because neither of them has spoken, i can’t yet discern who is the mother and who is the daughter.
kristania, who is very shy and soft-spoken (which only seems suspicious because i am rewatching the good wife from the beginning because my lady somehow never saw it even though it was once the best show on television??? anyway, the show’s influence is making me think everyone fakes it in court), says that she and the defendants went out to a bar and a club one night and when they got home she went to sleep and when kristania woke up her wallet was on the bed and the $2100 she’d had in her wallet and pants pocket was missing. she says they can keep the $400, but she wants her $1700 income tax refund back!
okay tiwana, with the chest tattoo, is the mom! she says that kristania was dating her other daughter, who isn’t in court today. tiwana says that kristania is the type of person who likes to flash her money and buy love and affection, that within days of meeting her daughter kristania was bringing expensive gifts and taking them all out on shopping sprees. ugh i am so gross and needy and i would absolutely send a cake or flowers to someone i want to love me, but also it doesn’t seem that weird? do people just not have manners anymore so when someone does it makes them a huge freak??? now i would never take kirsten’s mom on a chico’s shopping spree but i would bring a nice bottle of non-costco wine to her house for dinner! is that bad??? you can’t just randomly show up with a basket of bath and body works soaps to impress your new girlfriend’s mother and sister anymore????????????????
tiwana says the night in question she wanted to show kristania a good time, so they pregamed at her house before hitting the bar. first round was on her, kristania picked up the next two. they went to the second bar where shy and quiet kristania got thrown out by the bouncer (remind me to tell you about the time i got thrown out of the funky buddha lounge in the middle of the night because i fainted from having the flu) which is shocking to me, and on the way to the third bar kristania passed out in the back seat of the car because she had six (6!!!!) long island iced teas, so they left her asleep in the car while they went into the third bar to have more drinks. i’m not gonna front but, drunk driving notwithstanding, this sounds like my kind of night out. anyone who knew me at any point between 2001 and 2016 will testify: this is how we like to party.
tiwana says when they were finished she drove home and helped kristania into her house, put her to bed and put a blanket over her then went to her room to go to sleep. the next morning she had to leave to run errands and she checked in on kristania, who woke up, checked her pockets, and upon finding two hundred dollar bills said “my money is missing.” ashley says that kristania was shitfaced that night, and what tiwana left out was that at the third bar kristania eventually woke up and came in, where she proceeded to throw money around, buying drinks and food and showering people with dollar bills and never saying anything about stolen money. ooooooookay, so i guess this is where the “she bought me too many tubes of sun-ripened raspberry lotion” comes in! and yes, i suffer from this disorder as well, having closed out many tabs at closing time looking at the bar receipt like “bitch, i paid for WHAT????”
the ruling: greg takes a hostile turn and i’m not sure what we missed during the commercial break to make him lose his cool but he (aggressively) asks kristania if it’s true she fell asleep in the car (no) and true that she didn’t tell ashley her money was gone (no) and also demands to know if kristania has any actual proof (apparently there are texts from ashley admitting to the theft). but then kristania reads the text aloud and it proves no such thing! it’s a straight up denial!!! kristania has a mountain of printed out text sheets™ but none of them backs up her case??? is she...drunk today?????? how is she fumbling this badly?! the judge starts whistling an old negro spiritual while kristania pointlessly flips and flips and flips through an entire ream of kinko’s finest printer paper and this is a wrap, judgment for no one except every single person in dayton who was at the club that night.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you hung out with your girlfriend’s mother? that’s unusual! my children don’t want me nowhere around them when their mate is on the scene! that is atypical to nature!!”
*bangs gavel*