plaintiff: shelandria from carson, california. a vision in mauve high-waisted tie pants and a tight white bodysuit, shelandria strolls into the courtroom like she’s walking a catwalk. she’s gorgeous!
defendant: alisha from los angeles, california. you know i love a rubenesque babe in a bold and vibrant jewel tone, and alisha’s electric blue floaty tunic is a real dream, as are her long hair, metallic purple lips, and razor-sharp eyebrows.
the complaint: shelandria claims the defendant stole her identity to buy stuff, so she’s suing her.
what does she want: $1787??? that’s it??????? identities are relatively inexpensive, i guess!
how it went down: shelandria says she’s known alisha for fifteen years because alisha is friends with her younger sister. shelandria says she thought of alisha as a younger sister because she was neglected by her family and spent a lot of time with shelandria’s. shelandria says alisha has a “nonchalant” type of attitude, that she doesn’t care about anything or anyone. god, what i wouldn’t give for even a little teaspoon of that??? CAN YOU IMAGINE NOT CARING ABOUT SHIT????? what a fucking relief. i’m getting weepy with envy just thinking about how joyful alisha’s life must be!
alisha says that yes, as the middle child, she was absolutely neglected and overlooked by her parents. greg calls bullshit and is like “wait a second, did you have food and a roof???” and okay sure alisha had meals but that doesn’t mean her mom didn’t pay more attention to her older sister! lmao listen: as the baby of the family, i get her frustration. being the youngest rules, especially because (if things go according to plan) all your siblings will die before you and you will look supple and young at their funerals.
alisha says the only way to get attention when she was younger was to do bad stuff, then greg gives her the Black Dad Lecture about how disrespectful it is to “accuse your parents of neglect in court because neglect has a legal definition and ignoring your tantrums is not neglect! how dare you accuse them of a crime because you don’t think you got enough attention!!!!!!” it’s so funny, you can always tell when the judge is envisioning, instead of the litigant, one of his children behind the podium and starts going in on them in turbo dad mode. like, come on greg, amir is at home! it’s fine if alisha hates her inattentive father!!!!
in january shelandria received a text from t-mobile, her service provider, that she had ordered two brand new iphones. except she hadn’t. shelandria called t-mobile to see what was up and was informed that the phone number connected to the order belonged to her younger sister, so she called her sister to confront her but she had no idea about the order either. but the sister did say that she had used alisha’s phone to pay her phone bill once and then after some calculating and deducing (honestly idk how they came to figure this out but whatever who cares just go with it) concluded that alisha must’ve been the one to order the new phones.
alisha contends that she asked shelandria’s sister if she could order the phones on her account and she said yes, so she ordered one for herself and one for her five-year-old daughter. this is how i know it is best for my sanity that i have chosen to be child-adjacent rather than have children of my own, because i don’t know that i have the kind of heart and/or mind to go into debt getting my kindergartner an iphone??? liiiiiiike, maybe this is neglect or whatever but i’m sorry babe, if you can’t fucking spell “cell phone” your little ass ain’t getting one!
the ruling: alisha says when she called to order the phone the t-mobile saleswoman asked if she wanted to charge both phones to the account and she said yes because, duh, a new iphone is, like, $10000!!!!!!! PLEASE BILL ME, MA’AM. and no, alisha didn’t think anything was wrong with what she’d done because why would her friend have given her her pin number if she didn’t want her to recklessly abuse it to steal from her?????? so alisha ordered the phones and according to ups they were delivered to shelandria’s mother’s house, yet shelandria’s mom said she didn’t have them and shelandria didn’t have them and shelandria’s still unnamed sister didn’t have them and alisha didn’t even get a chance to get over there and collect them from the porch so whoops too bad i guess they were stolen!
alisha delivers this news, the news that she never received the phones she fraudulently ordered, with a blasé shrug like, “see? i didn’t get the phones i wanted to steal that’s why i didn’t pay her what i owe.” UH OH. greg has lost all patience with this and yells at alisha that it doesn’t matter that her phone scam didn’t work out for her, she still owes shelandria the money for the new phones the fed ex driver (or whoever) is now calling his girlfriend on because t-mobile doesn’t give a fuck that the neighbor (or whichever) swiped them off the steps before you could pick them up! they want their thousands of dollars for those phones you never got to talk on!! and you’re gonna give it to ‘em!!! judgement for the plaintiff, and also verizon, and also AT&T.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you shoulda gave her more attention, then maybe she would’ve given you your money!”
*bangs gavel*