the plaintiff: devonn from bellflower, california. nice looking dude: very shiny bald head, black tie on black shirt combo, at first glance he definitely looks like a fuckboy you meet at the club who somehow manages to ruin your life in two weeks. VERY THIN ACCORDION FOLDER.
the defendant: michaelia from paramount, california. jade green button down and a blazer, glasses, a fuller-looking accordion of truth.
the complaint: devonn and michaelia dated and he complained that her breasts were too small so they agreed she would get implants and now she’s refusing to pay for her half of them.
what does he want: $3,618 for the balance due on a breast augmentation (!!!) and restitution. BREASTITUTION, if you will. countersuit filed!! michaelia wants $3,733 from devonn for attorney fees, court fees, and anger management classes. a boob job and anger management?! this is gonna be a wild one.
how it went down: devonn starts by admitting that he was lying to michaelia throughout the duration of their relationship, that he was seeing other people while pretending he was only dating her, and i’m gonna just go ahead and say that this revelation justifies whatever the fuck she did that made a judge send her to anger management. you can’t just be lying to people and not expect them to fuck your shit up! devonn claims that he broke things off with her because they were fighting too much but she wouldn’t let the relationship go and kept popping up at his house trying to convince him to get back together. i am skeptical of this.
it’s michaelia’s turn to talk and she’s extremely pissed off and i’m here for it. she says that they dated for two months, after which she realized she was being bamboozled by him and proposed they go their separate ways because they had “different views, “probably on what constitutes fidelity. after some thought devonn came to her and said he didn’t want the future to come without having pursued a relationship with michaelia and that he was going to drop all his other romantic relationships and go all in with her. michaelia expressed her skepticism and asked if devonn was really sure that’s what he wanted, because she has four sons and hadn’t been in a serious relationship since her divorce, and she was worried about the kind of man she could potentially be bringing around her children. he said yes, probably because he doesn’t realize how much teenage boys can eat/destroy.
okay i’m not sure how we made the leap from “hey would you maybe wanna be exclusive” to “please undergo body-altering surgery to potentially keep me as your boyfriend” but alas here we are. they agreed to go halfsies on a boob job (you buy the left one, i’ll pay for the right?) because devonn said he likes women with bigger breasts. i would have sent him a bunch of BIG NATURALS pornhub links or whatever, but that is probably evidence of my ineptitude at romantic relationships.
michaelia had a consultation and set a surgery day, but then devonn’s dog needed an emergency c-section and the money he was going to pay for michaelia’s breasts went to little dolly’s uterus. i will never ever ever stop reminding you that i worked in an animal hospital for fourteen years of my adult life, and this is a perfect time to implore you to SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR FUCKING PETS. you’re not a breeder, you work at kohl’s! imagine putting your poor dog through an expensive and painful hysterotomy when you could just, you know, not?! michaelia had her surgery (devonn paid his half, so i’m not sure why the dog surgery came up other than for greg to get a short and excruciating lesson in canine midwifery) and two months later devonn suffered “an acute case of breakup-itis” and dumped her.
the ruling: one afternoon michaelia stopped by devonn’s place and found him in bed with another woman. the two women started talking to each other in what sounds like an extremely cordial way considering the circumstances (“oh, you’ve been with him for two years? we’ve been dating for nine months! look at my beautiful new titties!”) while devonn ran outside and called the police. that’s some sucka shit. you leave the two women you’ve been deceiving inside your apartment and run outside to flag down officer friendly?! i mean, what do you even say? “uh…hello, 911? i’m sorry to bother you but my chickens have come home to roost, please help!”
here’s the problem: they went to (real) court because the cops got involved and, rather than fight the charges, michaelia opted to pay the fines and take anger management just to “get it over with.” which is a thing i would do, and a thing you would do, and a thing any reasonable person who does not want to fuck around day after day in an actual courtroom would do when we could just get out of the shit for a measly six hundred bucks. there are so many situations where i wish i could just be like “do you take checks?” so i could end it and walk the fuck away, so i get it. but you can’t do that if you think you might find yourself in front of our esteemed judge mathis at a later time, because he’ll just say you are guilty and dismiss your fucking case without listening to your excuses. judgment for the plaintiff, ugh!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: in response to michaelia’s defense that she wasn’t really guilty despite having pleaded no contest and accepted a fine, greg shouts, “you did it! you can’t tell an innocent man to go to anger management!”