plaintiff: margo from sacramento, california. my nubian queen! margo is wearing a pink shirt under a blue cardigan and her hair is braided into a crown around her scalp and is gathered in a very regal high chignon type of situation and she is very beautiful!
defendant: breyena from reno, nevada. i’m fascinated by the dusty west, and always completely in awe when someone is actually from nevada, both things i attribute to having watched every single episode of the original csi at least a dozen times. gil grissom?????? a king! breyena has a broad face and very sweet smile and i am sad in advance to watch these two go at it, but the accordions of truth™ are stuffed and ready.
the complaint: margo says the defendant is dating her son and she let them live with her and claims the defendant got pregnant and tried to hide it, and now she’s suing her for the balance due on a loan.
what does she want: $4297, which is a LOT.
how it went down: margo begins by saying she’s known breyena for years because she is dating her son, and ever since they met she’s referred to them as “dumb and dumber.” that is pretty hilarious, but also: DAMN MOM???????? that’s fucking mean! margo says that her son and breyena make a lot of bad, irrational decisions together that have earned them that nickname.
margo says she and breyena have always had friction, and one of the biggest examples is the fight they had over (brace yourselves) her granddaughter’s middle name. as a person saddled with the odious middle name “McKiver” (pronounced muh-keever, if you give a shit, which you shouldn’t) i understand the severe trauma (LOL) a weird-ass middle name can inflict upon a person’s life. but, as a rational person who refuses to get worked up about literally anything, i cannot imagine putting up a fuss about the middle name of a child you didn’t give birth to????? i mean, unless the kid is named ann cheese pizza jones why have a knock down drag out fight with your daughter-in-law about it??? who other than the IRS even cares what your middle name is????? i only know two people’s middle names and i’ve never needed to use them for anything! they don’t really matter!! (but also, “cheese pizza” would be an incredible middle name!!!!!!!!)
anyway the hullabaloo was over the birth announcement, and let this be another piece of evidence that maybe all the hysteria surrounded these big life events is part of the fucking problem. lay off the gender reveals, cool it with the birth announcements, just eat your weird craving foods and take your folic acid and try not to chop down any family trees, okay??? idk i would just feel like such a fucking asshole for potentially ruining my relationship with my son and his family over something like “his baby mama fucked up the postcards i mailed to people who don’t care about this child they are never going to even meet” but maybe that’s just me.
the other problem, of fucking course, is that margo’s son has taken the side of his woman and child. AS HE SHOULD. that’s another cultural thing we need to do away with, at some point your mom has to take a back seat as the #1 lady in your life, and there’s no better time to start enforcing that boundary than when you have a new baby. and that would be super easy if these two didn’t also live under margo’s roof where she is in charge, but they did, so mom gets to yell about washing dishes and vacuuming the living room and coming home before curfew and your baby’s name.
margo says that one day her son called her from a used car lot and said they needed her to co-sign on a loan for a car, and she reluctantly agreed to help him. at this point greg jumps in to ask margo, whose son is sitting in the witness chair beside his girlfriend, why she’s here suing breyena if her son was the one who called her. and everybody watching knows the correct answer to this question is “the baby-naming grudge” but margo just shrugs.
okay now we’re getting into a whole lot of financial mumbo-jumbo which, frankly, stresses me out. long story short: margo co-signed a loan, breyena was late on her payments. also they were supposed to refinance the loan in margo’s son’s name once he got a job but he hasn’t gotten a job yet so margo is still on the hook. breyena says she paid the car note on time but then she got pregnant and couldn’t work as much so she wasn’t making enough money to continue paying the loan. at this point greg sets his eye-lasers on the boyfriend, asking him why he never paid the bill and why he isn’t working and asking if he wants to come up and say anything for himself and dude just shakes his head, then the judge lays into him about being a deadbeat and like...could we move this over to divorce court??????????
the ruling: we already knew how this was going to go down, but after breyena admits that she defaulted on the loan because she couldn’t manage rent, bills, and a car note all on her own for months (oh okay, i guess she has two babies!) and doesn’t have a legal defense for not paying margo back, judge mathis is done with this case. judgment for the plaintiff, and best of luck to little annie cheese pizza!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “sir? is that true? are you that henpecked?????????”
*bangs gavel*