plaintiff: jamil from newark, new jersey. jamil is tall drink of spiked hot chocolate with a veritable lion’s mane of a curly blonde wig???? it is astonishing in its voluminousness! truly, this hair is enormous, and it makes me feel like a big dumb baby because i start crying in exhaustion at the thought of putting even one swipe of mascara on, and jamil is out here just ~effortlessly~ flipping thirty pounds of hair over her shoulder. i wouldn’t last a minute with that glorious crown, which is why i will die ugly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
defendant: kenneth from west orange, new jersey. whatever this dude did to this woman i understand why she let him the second he walked through the courtroom door: this dude is tall and fine, an absolutely devastating combination.
the complaint: jamil put kenneth on her credit card (oh no! jamil wyd!!!) to help him boost his credit. she claims he took advantage of it, and now she’s suing him for an unpaid loan.
what does she want: $2500 which is kind of a lot? her credit must be great! and oh goody, a countersuit: kenneth would like $1300 for...lost wages? boy, this oughta be interesting.
how it went down: jamil says that she met kenneth years ago when she kept “running into him” at events around town. all of our brains are completely fucked right now from covid but it really took me a second to process the idea that she bumped into this dude at parties, like my brain cannot comprehend the idea of a party right now? it’s also murder trying to watch TV without disassociating first, because every time one person touches another my body involuntarily recoils in disgust! i was watching normal people (which, MY GOD, the sex on that show is so sexy) and it took, like, ten minutes for me to stop flinching at every caress. anyway, jamil met kenneth back in the good old days when you could still clear your throat near a stranger without risking getting beat to death, and they instantly became “good buddies.”
jamil says that kenny was broke a lot and that got in the way of their hanging out, so since she was a licensed real estate agent she decided to help him “diversify his income streams” and also put him on her credit card as an authorized user to help him rebuild his credit. no bullshit, that is an extremely kind thing to do for a friend. i never established credit when i was young because i was poor and hustling so by the time i tried to get a credit card at 32 visa was like “yeah right, bitch” so i started building it the hard way, with secured cards that had $250 limits and shit. if you stole my wallet you’d bring it back like “ooh i’m sorry for robbing you, sam, but what in the world is a DISCORVERRR card? on what internet does one apply for a secured VEESA card, and why does yours have a $19 limit??????”
so basically jamil is a saint. at this point greg cocks his head to the side and asks jamil “are you sure y’all were just friends?” and honestly i thought that, too? but it makes more sense to do this for a friend than for a romantic partner because at least when he runs your shit up at macy’s he won’t suffer from the delusion that he can pay you back with DICK. but jamil says again that she and kenneth are JUST FRIENDS and she was trying to help his broke ass out!
jamil says one night ken hit her up to hang out and they met at a fancy restaurant where he proceeded to tell her to order whatever she wanted because the meal was on him. “get the lobster! order the shrimp! crack open a bottle of the finest champagne!” jamil assumed they were celebrating some new windfall and she says they had a great time, best meal of her fucking life, and two weeks after that dinner her credit card statement came in the mail and she realized that old slick kenny had paid for that meal with her goddamn card???????????? GUILLOTINE.
the audacity of this is so astounding that i had to shut the laptop for a second. do some people just, you know, take for granted that they won’t get popped?? i approach every situation in life as if i might get slapped in the fucking face if i say the wrong shit, which is why i’m not a horrible asshole. this dude is braver than the fucking troops! did it not occur to him that he might get murdered in that upscale restaurant?? if i could just get a sprinkle of this man’s confidence i could probably take over the galaxy.
jamil says that kenneth eventually gave her the money for the dinner (i’m screaming) but a couple months later she got another credit card bill with a bunch of out of state charges and she was like “wait a minute, i’ve never been to baltimore!”then she got on facebook and saw pictures of this dude on vacation with her platinum amex! again, does he fear neither ridicule nor death???? the fucking gall of this man!
kenny says he met jamil at an auction for foreclosed houses and they became business associates before their friendship blossomed. he says that he and jamil were “special friends” and once again greg is skeptical that these two never banged but they are both steadfast in their denial so if they did it we’re never gonna know i guess! jamil pushes back on the “business associates” of it all, saying ken was too broke to be in actual business with her, she was just trying to help him get into real estate so his ass wouldn’t be broke anymore! kenneth says that he paid all the money back for everything he charged to the cards, but man that behavior is so gross he should have to pay her back twice.
jamil says they didn’t talk for a while after he paid her back (good lord, at least homeboy has shame!!) but one day ken called her and asked for $2500 to pay his rent because he’d just had surgery and couldn’t work. jamil didn’t want to help him, BUT: she’s also a realtor and she’d gotten ken that apartment in the first place and didn’t want to look bad. okay not to victim-blame but jamil you gotta be a little less nice! because dude is cute but not that fucking cute!!!!!!!
the ruling: kenneth’s excuse for not paying is...jamil only asked for her money back because her business was slow??? and that might hold weight if she had very clearly established that this was a loan, 100% not a gift, when she asked him to sign a promissory note and give her a postdated check! i wish we knew the actual dirt these two had on each other because something is not clicking and for the first time ever i don’t think my two dueling brain cells are to blame. kenny says that jamil didn’t ask for the money right away so he assumed he didn’t have to pay it but my man she has several sheets of signed contracts in her accordion of truth™ that back her story up, why are you trying this????????? honestly this is reasons 1 through 1,000,000,000 why you can’t fuck around with hot people. if there is anyone even remotely handsome in your life? DROP THEM.
the reason for k-dog’s counterclaim is too fucking stupid to type, just know that it was immediately dismissed by gregory, who is clearly highkey irritated that he hasn’t gotten more lascivious details from these attractive people who definitely used to fuck. judgment for the plaintiff, and for citibank or whoever.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you’re ‘just friends?’ doyle is my friend, too, but i would never put him on my credit card!!!!!!!!”
*bangs gavel*