plaintiff: taylor from rochester, new york. i had to do a double take because at first glance i thought taylor was a little girl and i panicked like “hold up, kids can sue people???” in my defense, she’s tiny!
defendant: sharnice from rochester, new york. i’m crying because sharnice is obviously cosplaying as a church secretary or some shit in a sweater set, an enormous strand of pearls, and a shiny little pussycat wig. praise him!
the complaint: taylor claims she loaned the defendant a phone, which she then broke, so now she is suing her former friend for breach of contract and harassment!
what does she want: $1270, for a phone????? that iphone 37 must be amazing! sharnice is countersuing for $500 for harassment which, coincidentally, is also the cost of my at&t late fees because i refuse to put that shit on auto pay! what am i, a billionaire???
how it went down: taylor says she met sharnice when they were coworkers at her former nursing home job. she says they had a great friendship and she had no idea things were going to turn sour. speaking of sour, my wife left a gallon of unpasteurized apple cider in the refrigerator for weeks (months???) and i unsuspectingly took a sip of that rotted, foul shit and when i turned to pour it down the drain she shrieked, “what are you doing??? that’s my homemade wine!” anyway, just letting you know we’re in the “bathtub kombucha” stage of quarantine.
sharnice agrees that they met two years ago while working at the nursing home and says that taylor gave her an iphone 6 she “wasn’t using anymore” and sharnice assumed it was a gift. i mean, i get that? “here, you can have my old phone” is not totally implausible to me??? i am the kind of person who has no problem using an old ass, taped-together ass, no-memory-having ass, won’t-hold-a-charge ass phone until the ghost of steve jobs literally pries it from my hands and forces me to get a new one, but i know people who put their preorder in the day apple announces a new product even though they just got the latest version the day it came out, and if a person like that gave me a phone i’d be like “okay!” and not think anything of it.
sharnice says that taylor gave her the phone because hers had broken and also as a payment for picking her up for work every day, but then when sharnice eventually broke the new phone (what tf is sharnice doing with these goddamn phones?????? bitch, get an otterbox!) taylor was like, “well too bad for you, that phone isn’t fully paid for yet so now you owe me.” sharnice asked why taylor was trying to charge her way after the fact and taylor said “i didn’t give it to you, that was a loan.”
taylor says that sharnice understood it wasn’t a gift and immediately tries to bolster her case by pivoting to the harassment portion of her lawsuit, and she gives greg a bunch of printed out text sheets™ in which sharnice is cussing her out but doesn’t make any real threats? at one point she texted taylor “i stay in church to keep from beating up bitches like you” which...is almost the opposite of a threat??? shouting “GOD IS WHY I WON’T BEAT YOUR LITTLE ASS” is not only hilarious, it’s telling you the specific reason why your face isn’t being punched!!!!!!!!!!!!!
in the next text taylor says to sharnice “well if you wanna fight, pull up!” which is not only a threat but also an invitation to throw hands???? i knew as soon as i saw the size difference between these two ladies that the b-word was gonna come up, but you can’t cry and say you’re getting bullied when you slapped the bully with your glove before challenging her to a duel!
okay back to the phone: when sharnice wouldn’t give taylor money for the phone and after the merry-go-round of veiled sms threats, taylor told sharnice that she was taking her to small claims court and then she called the police and reported the phone stolen. *whistle* FLAG ON THE FUCKING PLAY. that’s not cool, man! you can’t be potentially endangering a woman’s life over a mobile phone that came out in 2015!!!!!!! upon hearing that sharnice, as would we all, went and dropped the phone off at taylor’s house. a larceny charge is not worth the risk!!!!!!!!
the ruling: sharnice hands greg a ream of printed out facebook statuses™ to support her harassment claim and he gets that little naughty smile on his face as he’s reading and says, “ooh, y’all talk dirty to each other!” HE LOVES IT. unfortunately for us, he can’t read any of it aloud because taylor and sharnice were cussing each other out so bad on al gore’s internet. all of the threats being hurled back and forth cancel each other out, so nobody is getting that sweet sweet harassment money, but the judge is gonna grant taylor the cost of the phone because somewhere between the deluge of bible verses and swear words sharnice texted “i’ll get you the money as soon as i get out of church.” judgment for the plaintiff and, it seems, for satan.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you went by her house to drop the phone off? why were you being so nice? you must’ve just left bible study!”
*bangs gavel*