plaintiff: toni from manhattan, new york. wait a minute...isn’t manhattan...new york?! nothing is more perplexing to me than trying to figure out which part of new york someone is talking about when they say “new york.” is long island new york? and queens is new york, too, right??? but also isn’t new york its own fucking thing that’s neither of those places????? remember how i didn’t know there are multiple brooklyns????????????? god, that place is so confusing. anyway, toni is pretty.
defendant: emmanuel from brooklyn, new york. i’m sorry, WHERE????????????
the complaint: when toni dated the defendant, she claims he was emotionally and physically abusive, even slapping and punching her. now she’s suing him for emotional distress. (if this was murder court™, the reality show i’m currently shopping around to all the major networks, she would be suing him for the right to decapitate him live on daytime TV!)
what does she want: $3000 in a positively stunning turn of events, emmanuel has apparently chosen to countersue a woman he allegedly punched in the fucking face for $3000??? why, does he need tylenol for his punching hand????? i’m irate!
how it went down: toni says she and emmanuel dated for a year and he was abusive the entire time. greg asks her to clarify and the example toni gives is that early on in their relationship they were riding the train and he was staring at a girl so toni said “go be with her since you can’t stop looking at her” and then emmanuel yanked her off the train and slapped her in the face. lather/rinse/repeat for the duration of their relationship. i never get mad about anything because anger is too exhausting an emotion so i like to zoom right on past it to wallow in HURT, but imagining getting beat up for expressing an insecurity to my partner? when he could just say something like “i love you, i’m not staring at her i’m just reading the fine print on that xeljanz ad over the door” and let it go??? roll in the guillotine, judge!
toni says that the cycle of abuse continued, culminating in an event a month ago in which emmanuel kicked her and punched her in the face. the judge asks if toni called the cops on emmanuel and she says she did but every time she called he would take off. ughhhh this is a fucking bummer, so to make myself feel better i am pausing this case to look up victorian-era punishments. have y’all heard of a ducking stool???? a ducking stool (also known as a “scolding stool” or a “stool of repentance”) was in most cases a commode or toilet, placed in public view, upon which the targeted person was forced to sit—usually by restraint, and often while being paraded through the town. the chair was attached to a long wooden beam, usually located alongside a pond or river, and was lowered into the water. WHAT A BANANAS IDEA. omg the mind on the sadist who came up with that??? imagine you get caught gossiping and the judge is like “ok bitch, toilet dunk tank in the middle of downtown while all your friends laugh. hope you don’t die!” anyway, who knew people could have worse experiences on a toilet than I DO?????
emmanuel says that it’s toni who would start the fights, that he only laid hands on her to restrain her when she was hitting him. he says that he has a clothing line and toni would get jealous when he worked with other women and come after him. okay, the jealousy i believe because of the “staring at that bitch on the train” incident, but come on man. she didn’t punch herself! emmanuel also says, with a touch of unearned smugness if you ask me, that if he had beat toni up he wouldn’t he have been arrested? and, okay sure dude, but if you ran as she was dialing the 9 and the 1 how could the police have taken you in? surely they aren’t going to comb through every! single!! brooklyn!!! until they they catch you?????? they have rat gangs to apprehend!
the ruling: toni hands the judge a stack of printed out cell phone images™ of her blackened eyes and bruised arms and i understand why homeboy came on television to hash this out, but...why did he come on television to hash this out??? this looks extremely bad for him!!!!!!!!!! greg asks emmanuel what his counterclaim is for and emmanuel says “three thousand dollars” and, like, please hurry up and end this case before i have a rage stroke. WE KNOW, BRUH. WHAT DID SHE DO TO YA THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE PAID FOR?
emmanuel says that toni lived with him for months without paying rent and then moved out because “she felt like she was being abused, supposedly” and okay i am ready for them to roll in the firing squad. does he really think he’s going to get back rent or whatever from a woman he bruised up like a banana? not in greg’s courtroom! especially since the next sentence he says is “i put her out,” immediately contradicting himself, and the only thing greg hates more than a woman beater is a perjurer, so out goes his case! judgement for the plaintiff, and for me if i can find a studio that is willing to insure the damage i could do with a working guillotine.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: no! he was obviously too busy trying to locate a pillory to put homeboy in!
*bangs gavel*