plaintiff: james from grand prairie, texas. slim fit black dress shirt, black velvet bow tie, big fancy-looking watch, tiny twists, sculpted beard-intentionally-without-a-mustache. in other words? FINE AS HELL, SHEESH.
defendant: jennifer from kennedale, texas. a literal ray of sunshine! every time i see someone looking really good in yellow i think to myself “damn, i gotta get a yellow shirt!” and then the yellow shirt arrives and i’m like “why did i trick myself into thinking i’d look good in this bright-ass shirt?” and add it to the “yellow shirts to donate to goodwill” box gathering dust at the back of my closet while slithering back into the same black sweatshirt i wear every single day. jennifer looks lovely in hers, though, with her hair in a big shiny bun at the top of her head and eyelashes so fluffy and beautiful you could see them from space!
the complaint: james has a daughter with the defendant but admits they split up when he got another woman pregnant and now he’s suing his ex for an unpaid loan. i take all the nice things i said about this young man back, lmao electric chair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what does he want: $576? that’s it????? absolutely not, sir. donate that to your baby!
how it went down: james says he’s known jennifer for 13 years and that they have a 12 year old daughter together. oh noooooooo. 12 is old enough to know how to work the television remote and watch your parents arguing with each other in make believe court! james says that everything was going well in their relationship until he cheated and had a baby with another woman which, he says, “didn’t sit well with jennifer.” of course that didn’t “sit well,” you asshole! that’s the most “sorry you’re mad” shit i’ve ever heard!!!!
jennifer agrees that they’ve known each other for 13 years and that the relationship ended due to cheating but also because james loved xanax more than he loved her which, frankly, I GET. the judge asks james if that’s true and he says “yeah, i might’ve popped a couple pills” and this dude is hilarious i’m so mad that i have to be mad at him. james went to prison and got himself cleaned up and when he came out he was on the straight and narrow, according to jennifer. that’s nice! maybe we should just end the case here and pretend everything worked out for the best!!!!!
james says he loaned jennifer $576 to pay her rent which she said she would pay back to him as soon as she sold the litter of puppies her dog had given birth to. okay i might be more into this idea if one of these litigants was meg swan or cookie fleck, BUT: they aren’t! and james says jennifer never repaid him. greg asks if there was a time frame for repayment in place and james says “when the puppies were weaned off the mother” but my professional question (never forget i worked in an animal hospital for 572 years!) is WHAT KIND OF PUPPIES ARE WE TALKING ABOUT.
for instance, if they’re little raggedy mutts like the one we recently adopted (kill me), those dogs should be free. as a matter of fact, let me fill out an application to take the spca of southwest michigan on this show to get my adoption fee refunded because last night abe was was prancing around the house with a stolen cat turd hanging out of his mouth like a cigar and that is not what i signed up for! i just wanted a little dog who would be cute and cuddle on my lap while i marathon old seasons of survivor!!! i wasn’t prepared for a poop-and-destruction machine!!!!!!
okay fine, i was. anyway the judge says jennifer needed a reasonable amount of time to have sold them and determines that since a year has passed she did. oh man, can you imagine trying to sell someone a dog? if i was trying to convince someone to give me money for abe it would be like, “well, uhhhhh, he only barks at 50% of new people? when he pees in the house it doesn’t smell as bad as you’d expect?? sometimes when he digs his claws into your backside in the middle of the night, painfully wrenching you out of a blissfully deep sleep, if the streetlight is shining through the blinds at the exact right angle he looks kind of cute?????”
jennifer says she only sold one puppy, for $150, which is believable. not the $150 part, but the other nine puppies not selling part. i absolutely believe that. jennifer says the mama dog had been given to her and unbeknownst to her was pregnant, so she decided to sell the puppies. silver lining, etc etc. but then no one bought them so she started giving them to people for free, which is the only sensible thing to do.
the ruling: greg is arguing that jennifer should’ve kept trying to sell them to pay off her debt to james, that she gave up too easily, but come on greg! at the time jennifer started tossing a dog at anyone who walked past her door she had nine four-month old puppies tearing up her crib. nine! little! bad! ass! dogs!!! no fucking way. abe eats (approximately) a billion dollars worth of food and furniture (my poor couch looks like shit!) every single week, i cannot imagine the wreckage that eight more of him could cause. i’m breaking out in a sweat just thinking about how my life would instantly dissolve into never ending pissing and cacophonous noise. anyway greg must be a cat guy, judgment for the plaintiff!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “selling puppies? that’s better than waiting for their income tax! at least they can tug at the heartstrings with that one!”
*bangs gavel*