plaintiff: paula from burnham, illinois. paula is wearing damn near life-sized gold stiletto heel earrings. like gigantic flat manolos dangling from the side of her head? i’m obsessed with her already! paula’s earrings are so flashy and so large and so downright glamorous that i am thunderstruck and literally cannot see anything else!
defendant: robert from chicago, illinois. i know that whenever there are people from chicago on this show i’m like “i think that’s my friend’s dad that i boned one time...” and it truly is never anyone known to me so it’s foolish to continue playing this risky game, BUT: i swear this dude looks like someone my sister dated in 1987 and yes i could call her to confirm that she got busy with this tall, handsome drink of espresso but then i’d be stuck on the phone listening to my sister reminisce for two hours and who the fuck needs that!
the complaint: paula says she dated the defendant off and on for 10 years (did my mom give birth to paula???) but they broke up when he went to prison. they reconciled, but she claims he was cheating, and now she’s suing her ex over tickets.
what does she want: $1054????? omfg bitch tickets for WHAT? the first ever hamilton?!
how it went down: paula starts talking about how she and robert were off and on for ten years (TEN YEARS???????????? shoot me) and her voice is surprisingly deep, like kathleen turner smoking menthols deep, and even though i’m lowkey mad she wasted a decade on an idiot i just decided i would die for her. so early in their relationship robert was in and out of jail for selling narcotics. the last time, when he was headed to actual prison, he asked paula if she would wait for him. holy cats, my man has more nerve than a fucking toothache! if i was about to serve federal time i wouldn’t ask my lady to keep my fucking plants alive, let alone to put her pussy on ice for literal years????? and she’s legally bound to me! this dude has no shame!!!!!!!!!!
so robert went to prison and paula agreed to wait but six months into it she was like “nah fuck that” and got a boyfriend thank god! when robert finally got out eight years later (i am so very sorry to belabor this point but he expected her to wait for 8! long! years! and didn’t give her so much as a gift card to target?? i can’t) he called her up and since she and her boyfriend were taking a break at the time she decided she could start banging him again. AND YOU THOUGHT ROMANCE WAS DEAD.
paula says that in hindsight she thinks robert came back to exact some revenge on her but robert says that even though he was hurt that she’d chosen not to remain chaste while waiting for him (how many days are there in eight years, like 3000?) when he called paula his only motivation was getting back together with her. paula says that as soon as she started seeing him again her phone started blowing up with calls from other women robert was sleeping with. robert concedes that that happened, then pivots to hypocritically arguing that it was fine because paula cheated, too. i am aghast.
now we get into a rundown of the myriad number of women robert was catting around with between incarcerations, but that’s boring and he’s trying to make the women look bad and i don’t play that. suffice to say robert did not waste a single drop of pent up sexual frustration into an old sock or down the shower drain; dude had a different woman every night of the week. he says that the women who called paula were just mad because he dropped them for her, but paula has a printed out text sheet™ from one of his women in which she says not only is he cheating on the two of them, but he was in bed at his brother’s house with a different woman, and now is when i’d like them to wheel in the guillotine for this all new episode of murder court!
paula says that a couple years after robert got out of prison he wanted to get a car and paula went with him to the dealership and ended up co-signing for him because his credit was bad. okay, and i apologize for this in advance, but i am forced to say the thing we’ve all been thinking: this dude must have a dick like a beer can, right? or the most dexterous tongue in human history???????? because, seriously, he’s not that cute? and is clearly not rich??? and this asshole cheats all the time???????????? robert must be i n c r e d i b l e in bed, sheesh!
the ruling: robert got a shit ton of tickets on the car (chicago is the pits when it comes to parking, if you are thinking of moving there just dump your ride in the river upon arrival and keep it moving, it’s not fucking worth it) and because paula co-signed for it she’s also responsible in the eyes of the law. paula pulls out her accordion of truth™ and extracts from it a bunch of sheets of paper listing all of the unpaid tickets robert has racked up and tells greg that she has to hide her car from the boot man every night because the city is coming after her car, too. ugh what a shitty dude!
greg is like “y’all gone learn about fucking with the ticket man” (he might not have said it exactly like that but that’s what he meant) and starts reading from the list of infractions: a $22 ticket that is now $122, a $44 ticket that is now $244, and an $88 ticket that is now $488. EXCUSE ME???? that’s robbery! there was a pothole in front of my apartment building in rogers park (rip) that was so wide and deep a honda could’ve fallen down it; where the hell is all that ticket money going, ms mayor??? hmm?????? anyway this isn’t a city council meeting, judgment for the plaintiff.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you might have been slick with the game, well not really since you went to prison, but you’re really not slick with women!”
*bangs gavel*