plaintiff: amanda from bedford, indiana. at first glance amanda kinda looks too dang nice to be on this program? she looks like what mrs potts from beauty and the beast sounds like, like an ex-nun who makes oatmeal cookies and reads cozy mysteries under a lap blanket while her 19-year-old cat coughs up hairballs in the corner. i am already having a bad feeling!
defendant: sean from hardinsburg, indiana. okay so this is absolutely one of those HOW DO THESE PEOPLE KNOW EACH OTHER kind of cases but, in a hilarious twist, these two look like they actually could’ve met at church!!! sean is black and twelve feet tall and wearing legit spectacles and also a plaid sweater vest?????? he looks like adult urkel, like the kind of guy who gets the correct daily amount of fiber and makes earnest hourlong youtube videos about obscure jazz records. if this case ends up being about sex i am throwing myself off the roof!
the complaint: amanda says she wanted to help the defendant overcome alcoholism, so she gave him a place to live and bonded him out of jail and now she’s suing him for breach of contract.
what does she want: $1225
how it went down: amanda kicks things off by saying to the judge, in a very gentle and soothing voice, “thank you for hearing my case today, your honor.” OH NOOOOOO. does she not know what she is in for???? has she not seen this show before???????????? sweetie, greg is minutes away from laughing at your pain! thank him at the end but only if you win!!!!!!!!!!!!!
amanda says she met sean the first night of her new job at a pizza place and he confided in her that he “hated the way he was living.” amanda says, being a caring and spiritual person, that she felt bad for him and wanted to help him out. listen, i love helping (when it’s easy) as much as the next moron, but all she needed to be thinking about the first day at the gig is learning how to work the credit card machine and memorizing where the red pepper flakes are stored. imagine clocking in the first night nervous that someone is going to scream at you about their extra anchovies and here comes this dude trying to tell you about his problems!!!!!! before i even get a chance to figure out where we keep the extra napkins, my man?????? electric chair!
amanda decided to help sean, and the first thing she did was start taking him to church (bitch i knew it!) and then when he lost the pizza job because he got a DUI she not only helped him get a different job, she also let him live in the back room of her antique shop. do i want to know why a woman who owns an antique business also had to wait tables at a pizza parlor? yes, i do, but i think we can all agree that the answer is “america.” greg starts talking about jesus and how he wants us to help the poor and that is nice but let’s get back to it.
damn, sean has a nice voice! he sounds like barack!!! sean admits to having a drinking problem and says that amanda did help him but in exchange he helped her open her antique shop. ummm, sir? stop it. greg asks him to clarify what that means and sean says he “helped paint and move a few things.” lmao she lent this dude a place to live and drove him around and cleaned up his life and now he’s trying to take credit for her business??? i’m weeping. launch this dude into the fucking sun!
sean says that with amanda’s help he kicked the booze cold turkey and is thriving. greg is like “that’s great, what happened to this amazing friendship??” and sean hems and haws and grumbles and stumbles then greg cuts him off and says to amanda, “ma’am, you tell me what happened.” what do we think it is, did he just not want to pay back the money he owed her or is this a spurned romance or what??? i’m scared to find out.
amanda says that during sean’s “transition” she bonded him out of jail and then she helped him again when he failed to appear in court, plus she gave him cash and helped him out with little things here and there. amanda believed that sean would pay her back because of all the churching and spiritual guidance and says that this is the kind of thing you do for a friend so she didn’t hesitate to lend him money. see that doesn’t sound weird to me? i mean, that’s just what friendship is. if i sat down in pre-covid times and added up all the coffees and movie concessions and happy hours my friends and i have exchanged the number would probably shock me but also it just feels like a normal thing to do. if my homie was in jail i’d just go...get them out. the problem is when one person is naively thinking wwjd and the other one is like “gotcha, bitch!”
sean says that he couldn’t pay the money back because he’d lost his job. and i would feel sympathy for his situation if he didn’t also say that amanda is only asking for her money back because she wanted a romantic relationship and he didn’t. dude, you lived in her dusty ass junk shop for months—are we really supposed to believe that this angela lansbury doppelgänger wanted to bone you so badly that she left you to spend those cold indiana nights on a deflated air mattress when she very easily could’ve lured you under the cozy homemade quilt on her bed??? unlikely!
sean says “she wanted to take our relationship to the next level” and greg is like “what level is that, heaven?” and wow do i love him so much!!!!! amanda is shaking her head like “nah i don’t fuck broke boys” and i believe her. sean says amanda told him she was lonely and wanted to cuddle with him, and sean says he replied “i’m not into cuddling” (rude!) and greg says “well give her her damn money so she can cuddle that!”
the ruling: sean says that he kissed amanda once and I’M SORRY, WHAT? ten real minutes of accusing this angel of inappropriately lusting after you and it turns out that you kissed her one time in an attempt to lead her on/get another loan? let me send her an invitation to the island of lesbos so she won’t have to deal with this shit a second longer! sean says he didn’t pay amanda back because the money had been a gift until he rejected her advances and come on man. we all know better than that and so does greg. judgment for the plaintiff and for whomever she bribes into being the big spoon!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “what do you mean you ‘helped her open the shop?’ what did you do, move the pull out couch you were sleeping on out the way????”
*bangs gavel*