who's on judge mathis today? #178

a books/snacks/softcore mini letter

plaintiff: kenneth from appleton, wisconsin. kenneth kinda looks like a lost baldwin brother? the one that’s not alec? or billy?? or stephen??? hang on, is there another one? let me (go against my personal founding principles and) do some quick research. AH YES, DANIEL. that’s who this dude looks like!

defendant: chris from wausau, wisconsin. lmao these two look like mobsters in a made for TV movie. chris is wearing a black suit over a vivid purple shirt with a gelled-up mohawk and a landing strip-style soul patch. i am obsessed.

the complaint: kenneth claims his former best friend had an affair with his girlfriend, and he is now suing him for an unpaid loan. holy shit, what?! INSULT MEET INJURY, WOW!!!!!!!

what does he want: $2060!! countersuit filed: chris would like $500 for unpaid rent.

how it went down: kenneth says he’s known chris for 14 years and he’s like a little brother to him. he says that over their many years of close friendship he and chris have traveled and started businesses together, and over the past couple of years kenneth helped chris get sober, which i’m sure we all can agree is a helluva thing. i’ve lost friends for all sorts of bullshit reasons, so for someone to stick it out and help you get over an addiction??????? that’s love!

but then kenneth says he discovered that chris was sleeping with his longtime girlfriend. of! fucking! course! greg asks kenneth how he figured it out (hoping, as am i, for a juicy and salacious sex story), and kenneth says that he just knew, that when he was around them both neither of them could look him in the eye. chris says that’s the only reason kenneth brought him to court today, because he’s mad about the girlfriend, which he shouldn’t be because the few times he “messed around with her” they were broken up. hold up, i am too feeble-minded and old to know how dating works these days: are exes no longer off limits??? who cares if they were broken up, you can’t just date your man’s ex and expect him to be cool with it! how do i know more about bro code than this actual bro????????????

chris says that for their entire friendship he was kenneth’s wingman, and this is proof positive that some people just aren’t built for the service industry! I AM AN INCREDIBLE WINGMAN. it provides the fun of flirting with a hot person and the adrenaline rush of new human contact without any of the bad feelings that comes with brutal rejection. i am the world’s greatest flirt (don’t quote me) and i very much enjoy squeezing my charm muscles but i hate feeling like shit and facilitating other people’s one night stands provides all of the things i love with none of the things that make me want to die! chris fucked up a very good gig!!!!!!!!!!!!

kenneth says NOT SO FAST not only were he and the girlfriend not broken up they were living together at the time of the affair! he continues, saying that he did everything for chris a person could ever do. chris scoffs, and when greg turns to ask him why he’s laughing he says “some ~brotherhood~ if he would end it over a female.” first of all, electric chair for “female.” second? i’ve cut my actual sister off for much less!!! how much disrespect does kenneth have to put up with???

A LOT, APPARENTLY. chris, who’s been sneering and rolling his eyes the entire time, turns to kenneth and snidely says “when she told you she was ‘going to the gym’ she was coming to see me. that’s me, i’m jim.” man, this dude needs his ass beat. anyway the reason we’re here today is because chris went to jail for missing child support and also had a bench warrant for a DUI and he called kenneth to get him out. apparently chris told kenneth he’d pay him back later that week, but in court says he never even asked kenneth to come get him out although he does admit to calling him. umm...he’s still getting high, right? this is a damn mess!

the ruling: kenneth pulls a bail receipt out of his accordion of truth™ and gives it to doyle to hand to the judge. oh, you wanna know about chris’s countersuit? he’s trying to charge kenneth rent for sleeping on his couch a couple nights! i would laugh if he weren’t so fucking infuriating. chris gives the judge a handwritten “notice” he sent to kenneth trying to demand $500 for the use of his couch one night (the fucking four seasons is cheaper than that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and come on he’s gotta get up outta here or i’m gonna lose it. judgment for the plaintiff, who should absolutely call me next time he wants to hit on babes at the post-covid bar.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “he stabbed you! in your back!! with a woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (i know this isn’t that fucked up or funny but i couldn’t stop picturing a knifelady being plunged into this dude’s back and was laughing so hard i had to rewind the tape, obviously i gotta stop getting high, too!!!!!)

*bangs gavel*