who's on judge mathis today? #179

a books/snacks/softcore mini letter

plaintiff: patricia from delaware, ohio. ok! queen patricia glides into the courtroom with a fresh mom cut and a skirt suit straight out of 1987. seriously i was like...is this a working girl reboot????? as a certified Business Woman, of course she is carrying a tightly-wound accordion of truth™ and her glasses and gold chain have been spit-shined and polished to a gleam.

defendant: jim from cincinatti, ohio. i’m sorry, BUT: this dude is too old to be on this show. and fuck y’all i’m not being ageist, my man is actually BIBLICALLY OLD. he needs to be somewhere lying the fuck down, not staggering his jiggly ass into television court!!!!! HELLO???????????? what are we doing??????????????????? jim is wearing glasses so thick his eyes look like magic eight balls and his pressed kohl’s slacks are hiked up to his nipples and he is wearing a red white and blue stars and stripes tie that i’m pretty sure was cut from betsy ross’s original flag. what in the fucking world! grampa should be somewhere lapping at a lukewarm bowl of soup with a heated blanket on his lap, not on here dealing with relationship mess! i am already in tears. this is absolutely incredible.

the complaint: patricia says she answered the defendant’s personal ad seeking a companion (ALRIGHT NOW) and is suing him for unreturned personal property.

what does she want: $4000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wowie wow! somehow jim figured out how to file a countersuit and would like $450 for breach of contract, a newspaper ad, and a grocery bill. PLEASE!!!!!!!!

how it went down: i am already in a full body anticipatory sweat, babies. let’s get into it. patricia says she met “james” online (excuse me???) when she answered his dating ad (hello???????) looking for a woman who “was charming, witty, intelligent, financially secure, and liked to travel, dancing, and music.” uhhh, dude? me fucking too! what sort of magical internet was jimbo using to try and meet women, and a follow up: how did he connect his 1984 ibm to it????? just kidding, imagine his ipad with the font cranked up to 72 while he’s tapping on it trying to get some internet booty. i’m wheezing, this is the greatest thing i have ever fucking seen!

patricia says that in his ad james said he was “69 years old” (uhh???) and someone please come revive my body because i think i just passed away. first of all, he’s 200 years old. clearly. but also, if you are going to lie about your dumb age, why would you use the most hilarious number there ever was????? even when i turn 69 years old i won’t believe i’m 69!!!!!!! it’s a joke number! patricia says that she and jim talked constantly for two weeks prior to their first meeting and that the conversations they had were amazing. she says jim was funny and kind and “spry” (ohmygoddddd) and she was totally into him! then they had their date and she realized that she had been catfished, prompting greg to define the term “catfish” for the courtroom, which is hilarious. i mean, greg is having the time of his damn life, smirking like the cat who caught the [ancient] canary.

greg asks if patricia cut it off because jim was a big lying liar but she says no. lots of people lie about their age! why cut off a hot piece just because he got the numbers on his jitterbug mixed up!!! besides, she says she could learn a thing or two from him. like what the dinosaurs were like IRL.

it’s jim’s turn (THANK YOU O BENEVOLENT GOD) and he says he placed an ad on craigslist (please!) for “a charming lady” and then hands the judge a PRINTED OUT COPY OF SAID ADVERTISEMENT. what did i do to deserve this bounty??? i am literally frothing at the mouth like some kind of rabid mangy old cat! would you like to read what he wrote???????? ok bet: senior single gentleman seeks charming lady 50+ empty nest for longterm relationship and maybe more! for afternoon or evening dates. must be intelligent, fun, great sense of humor, somewhat of a romantic and HWP. greg looks at doyle like “HUH??” but i know from my time in the internet dating trenches that HWP means height/weight proportionate which is basically a nice way of saying NOT FAT. i feel like at 82 (jimmy’s actual age) that maybe your priority should be whether or not your girlfriend can work a defibrillator but i’m a mean idiot so who cares!

greg is just relishing this and he is such a delight. he can’t stop laughing! jim has also brought what he refers to as “exhibit 2,” a printout of the response email patricia sent to his ad. idk is this old dude an asshole? this feels not nice! what does it matter that she said “i’m funny and you have a nice smile????” stop trying to embarrass her, grampa! anyway greg reads it and it’s cute as hell and i’m sorta sad these two couldn’t make it work. :(

now this story is long and confusing because senior citizens are telling it but i listened to it twice and here’s the gist: jim had two homes, one in ohio and one in florida. jim wanted to sell the ohio home so he could relocate to florida full time, so he decided to have a yard sale at which he would sell everything in the house to finance the florida move. patricia has an antiques business, so jim enlisted her help and told her she could bring her antiques from delaware to ohio to sell them with his old shit at his sale. patricia says she did that and it was great; everyone loved her and bought a lot of stuff because she was out there hustling. jim is mad because he says he was entitled to 10% of her gross sales (ew that’s fucking gross) even though she cleaned and set up and worked the sale while he just chilled and watched matlock or whatever. patricia had some emergency family business to deal with back in delaware and asked jim if she could leave the things she didn’t sell in his garage for a few days and he said it was cool, but then when she contacted him by email a few days later he never responded so now they’re in court. WHEW.

the ruling: jim pulls another printed out email™ from his accordion of truth™ and refers to it as “exhibit A-6” and i’m sorry but does this man think he’s johnnie cochran or what. sir, that is a wrinkled ass mimeograph, stop pretending it’s real evidence!!!!!!!! for all the labeled pieces of dot matrix printer paper jimbo brought with him to court, none of it includes him telling patricia that there was a limit on the time she could leave her things in his garage, and even if there were ONE CALENDAR WEEK isn’t long enough to qualify as abandonment, which is jim’s reason for not giving it back to her. also his baseless entitlement to part of her earnings on the things she brought to his house sell is just that: baseless entitlement. and the groceries he’s suing for were cans of pop and bags of chips that he bought for the shoppers! WHAT A DICK. judgment for the plaintiff, and for all the nice men she’s sure to meet on ourtime dot com!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “‘exhibit A-6?’ oh he’s been sued a lot! or he watches a lot of law and order!”

*bangs gavel*