who's on judge mathis today? #180

a books/snacks/softcore mini letter

plaintiff: la’jeana from marion, arkansas. la’jeana is wearing a gorgeous buttery yellow cardigan as a shirt, a move that has never worked for me as i have the kind of tits that make the shirtigan a vulgarity. but also i avoid buttons in general. i just...literally cannot be bothered to do anything extra. la’jeana has cute braids and lipstick and is carrying her accordion of truth™ like a shield.

defendant: kendiel from marion, arkansas. kendiel looks like she’s on her way to church in a very demure pale pink keyhole blouse and black cardigan, her long hair parted sweetly down the middle. uh oh, don’t let me find out this woman who looks like she just left librarian school is bad!

the complaint: la’jeana says kendiel is her husband’s sister and claims her sister-in-law attacked her and then got her falsely arrested, so she’s suing for a bail bond and attorney fees. excuse me???????????

what does she want: $5000 IS THAT ALL????????? kendiel claims the plaintiff stabbed her in the face and punched her in the stomach even though she was pregnant and she’s countersuing for $5000. (uhh...maybe just maybe this case should be in an actual criminal court??? WTF)

how it went down: la’jeana says she met kendiel in 2012 when she and her husband (kendiel’s brother) moved to arkansas, into an apartment down the street from where kendiel lived. la’jeana says one night after her own children were asleep, kendiel’s asked her husband if he could watch her daughter. he declined and from there it escalated to a fight, and once they really started arguing kendiel challenged la’jeana to fight her, too. hmmm, is she leaving something out? i can’t imagine fighting with my sister (honestly yes i can, it’s all we fucking do) and during the fight being like “okay get your man out here so i can fight his ass, too!”

first of all, that’s sibling business. unless jane’s husband was around in 1986 when that bitch threw a bike at me on the corner of ridge and main street then taunted me all the way home he couldn’t possibly understand the layers of stale resentment we are assaulting each other over! sibling fights are rarely about the disagreement at hand, they’re always sprinkled with some old shit, grudges that we’ve been holding onto for years. let us work that shit out with our fists! and second, i know my sister had her left knee replaced and exactly how to kick her in it, i don’t need anyone else messing up my plan of attack! kendiel should’ve just hit her brother over the head with the monopoly board and got a sitter from care dot com!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kendiel says that she and her brother have always had a strained relationship because he was raised by their grandmother and she was raised by their mother, so he resents her. she also says that she and la’jeana have never gotten along because la’jeana was rude to her mother once and, besides that, they just don’t like each other! that makes me think of one of my favorite 30 rock jokes (that i quote way too often) when liz goes out with wayne brady and at the source awards says “god, there’s something about you i just don’t like.” imagine how nice the world would be if we could all just freely say that.

kendiel says that she is diabetic, and on the night in question she needed someone to watch her daughter because she needed to go to the emergency room due to complications with her illness. i mean, obviously i don’t know what’s really up, BUT: la’jeana sort of made it seem like kendiel needed a babysitter to go out to the club??? imagine being minutes away from passing out and then having to fight your brother in the street because you need help!!!!!!!! electric chair!

la’jeana says that one night (a different night, that other story was just for context) she went to kendiel’s house to buy a blunt from her boyfriend (hello???) but when kendiel saw that it was her knocking she slammed the door in her face. undeterred, i get it i guess, i love weed too, la’jeana started to pound on the door. okay hold up: i never need it that badly, damn! it’s worth mentioning that one of the reasons kendiel says she and la’jeana didn’t get along was because la’jeana starts a lot of drama, and this is exactly that. why not just leave??? is there only one weed man in arkansas??????????

ok la’jeana couldn’t let it go. she kept banging on the door until kendiel opened it again and she (la’jeana) pointed at kendiel and her boyfriend and told them they weren’t allowed in her house ever again. seems like that is a problem that already has a solution? but ok! now she must have been talking more shit than that, because kendiel got heated and the boyfriend got between them and la’jeana says kendiel started swinging at her from behind the boyfriend and, of course, she started swinging back.

it’s weird that la’jeana is the plaintiff right? i mean, i don’t know shit about the law (and i never will) but if you come to my house and i ask you to leave and you don’t leave while also punching me isn’t that an assault and trespassing charge on YOU??? what the fuck is this! la’jeana says she then grabbed kendiel by her hair and told the boyfriend he wouldn’t let her go until he backed off. he did and she walked home. she says that a cop pulled up as she got there, gave her a citation, and when she went to court she was arrested. why is she the plaintiff????????????

kendiel says la’jeana was banging and kicking the door, and when she opened it (by the way, she was 7 months pregnant at the time!) to tell her to go home la’jeana pulled out a razor and cut her across the face. i’m sorry but this is clearly a case for murder court. what are we doing???????? kendiel has pictures in her accordion of truth™ and, sure enough, there are several pictures of her in a hospital bed (!!!!!!!!!!) with slashes across her face. she also says that while la’jeana had a vice grip on her hair she was repeatedly punching her in the damn stomach. i’m gobsmacked, babe.

kendiel’s next pieces of evidence are some printed out facebook statuses™ in which la’jeana is bragging about beating her ass. greg circles back around (he’s fucking furious, btw) and asks la’jeana what the two of them were given citations for. kendiel says she never got one. la’jeana’s was for 3rd degree battery with a deadly weapon. i wish you could see my face. why is she in court today! trying to sue somebody!!!! you did three degrees of battery to a person and you didn’t die and now you think they owe you?????????? this is some twilight zone shit.

the ruling: the judge starts reading la’jeana’s facebook post aloud, which basically says “them hands, tho! scary bitch felt that pressure! got me acting a fool out here! she felt them paws, tho!” well put a fork in that turkey because she’s done. greg doesn’t even consider any more of the evidence kendiel is waving at him. you brag on facebook, you’re not getting paid. judgment for the defendant and her baby, who is doing ok!!!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: no but this youtube comment made me LAUGH: “if we’re not cool, why would you think you could come to my house and get a blunt from my man? she is crazy as fuck”

*bangs gavel*