who's on judge mathis today? #181

a books/snacks/softcore mini letter

plaintiff: donovan from victorville, california. welp, being from a place with “victor” in the fucking name has got to be a harbinger of good things, right?????????

defendant: maya from lakewood, california. hmmm maya looks like she was just plucked from the communion line on first sunday (sensible black blazer, pale pink top, a sophisticated ponytail) and dropped into the courtroom, which clearly means she has a heart filled with darkness and vehicular crime!

the complaint: donovan says he and the defendant were intimate but never formally dated (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, ok) and he claims she vandalized his car one night during an event, so he’s suing!

what does he want: $2500??? i know some cats that can get you a whole new car for twenty-five hundred american dollars, what on earth did maya DO??????

how it went down: donovan kicks it off by saying “well i’m suing maya here for approximately three thousand five hundred” and greg immediately cuts him off because 1 why is the amount he’s saying different from the amount he asked the court for and 2 has donovan never sat cross-legged on a dingy carpet listening to a fairytale at story time??? like where is the setting and who are the characters??????? start with the “once upon a time” bit, sweetheart!

greg agrees, asking donovan to rewind the tape a little bit and tell us the who and the where and the why of it all. donovan says he met maya last june in downtown los angeles at an event he was throwing (he’s a party promoter) to which she brought a bunch of her friends (she is a person with friends). greg says “when did you start dating?” and donovan says (get ready for it) “we didn’t date, we were more at the talking stage” and millions of eyes around the globe rolled in unison. okay, while i’m still working out the kinks on how to make murder court a real show, in the meantime i would like to workshop something we could maybe call, uhhhhh, “relationship agreements?” or something like that? (i’m sorry, bitch, i don’t know marketing!)

i don’t have a solid pitch but i’m thinking maybe it could be something like a zoom call with an impartial mediator who will ask each person in the relationship where they think they are (talking, dating, serious, um...married?) and the other person either has to confirm OR inform them of their delusion (i.e. notify them that they’ve been lied to) and then a notary stamps a certificate that says “technically seeing each other but not seriously enough to be monogamous yet” and then they go on their merry way until they either go back for reassessment or end up on tv court. it’s a whole fucking lot but like...27-year-old me could’ve really used it.

greg keeps asking donovan “you never dated??????” giving him the opportunity to backtrack on this statement that seems kinda false when you get into the thousands of dollars of it all and he won’t so that’s that. THEY WERE JUST TALKING. donovan says he was promoting a party at a strip club when he and maya got into an argument about a girl he posted on his social media. greg is determined to get this little dude to admit that he and maya were dating, asking “how could you get in an argument over a woman with someone you were just talking to and had no interest in dating?” I MEAN??? clearly greg has been on the listening end of a scorned woman complaining about some lying-ass man, because then he says “if a woman i wasn’t dating texted me about somebody on my instagram i would just text back ‘hey, you’re nuts’ and never call her again!” and i appreciate this valiant effort but this kid is clearly allergic to the word “boyfriend” and he’s not risking death for greg mathis!

maya (who is frankly too smart and gorgeous to be dealing with this nonsense) says that it’s weird for someone who stayed overnight with her at her mom’s crib to claim that they barely knew each other or whatever the fuck donovan is trying to say. see?????? this is that bullshit! maya says that donovan is “close with [her] family” and loves her and her cooking and again i ask you: is there not a need for relationship judges?????? how can a person have their own spot at your nightly dinner table yet claim that “we were just cool or whatever?” i am witnessing a crime!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so donovan was hired to bring girls to a nightclub and he says one night he was in his private vip section getting bottle service (GOD I MISS THE CLUB SO MUCH) with a bunch of ladies, including the one he and maya had argued about, when he saw a few of maya’s homegirls at the bar. he says they came over to his section and told him that they’d parked behind him and he should let them know when he was about to leave. donovan thought that was suspicious but agreed. later that night when he left the club they were already gone and when he tried to pull out of the parking lot he discovered that three of his tires were slashed and his passenger door had been keyed, which i’ve heard is a thing that can spontaneously happen to people at the talking stage of a relationship. for real!

the ruling: donovan pulled into the nearest gas station to inspect the damage, and duh it was so bad he couldn’t make it home to victorville (because it’s over an hour away from hollywood but also because he only had one tire). wanna know who he called to help him? not the bouncer at the club, not his best homie, not even his not-girlfriend maya! no, this dude called maya’s goddamn mother, a woman whom (if you believe his garbage) he didn’t even know all that well, and she arranged for his car to be both towed and fixed!!!!!!! i am apoplectic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! literally incandescent with rage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so is greg, who saw through his bullshit from the jump. donovan has zero proof, according to him maya wasn’t even at the fucking club, and dude had the audacity to call her mama in the middle of the night to help his ass out??? welcome to loserville, population: 1.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you stayed the night with her family in their house? why, are you homeless?????”

*bangs gavel*