who's on judge mathis today? #182

a books/snacks/softcore mini letter?

plaintiff: john from minneapolis, minnesota. john looks approximately fourteen years old and is wearing a standard-issue sky blue dress shirt with a stark white undershirt beneath, and i can’t pinpoint exactly what it is but there is something about him that reminds me of a monchichi doll? remember those??? (if you don’t, are you old enough to be reading this filth??????) anyway he has the kind of mustache you’d expect to find on a My First Puberty doll and he is adorable.

defendant: karen from bloomington, minnesota. karen is dressed like a mom, albeit a cool 90s mom, the kind who listens to black flag with her kids and teaches them how to smoke weed before they can even drive. karen is wearing a black top, black cardigan, black pants, black eyeliner, black glasses, and her black-ish/purple-ish hair is cut in a way that can only be described as “sassy.” *shouting* WELL WELL WELL LOOK AT WHAT WE HAVE HERE: our first-ever evidence brought to court in something other than an accordion of truth™???????? i never thought i’d see the day! karen is carrying a plain folder exploding with all manner of printed out text sheets™ and photocopied facebook updates™ (i assume) and i am extremely excited to see what she brought today for show and tell!

the complaint: john is suing his ex-roommate (WHAT) for a loan, stolen money, and the value of a car.

what does he want: $5000, the maximum!

how it went down: john says that he moved into karen’s house and at first she seemed like a really great person but he quickly discovered that she had a “dark side.” what’s amazing is that on a show like this that could mean “she ate my special peanut butter in the middle of the night without asking” or, as in this case, it apparently means she “has a drug problem and sleeps with guys for meth and oxys.” i was not ready for that!!! also i know i said she looks like she rips bongs with her kids but i don’t think karen looks like she, you know, would fuck a low level minnesota pill connect?????? i mean, there’s probably a toyota sienna in her driveway!!!!!!!!!!

you know greg ain’t gonna let you slander a lady in his courtroom, and he asks john to provide a specific incident he can reference to back up this claim. john starts rambling on like “well she was on drugs all the time” and greg, in a show of valiance but also extreme messiness, again asks the young man to detail when and how and where and who’s dick exactly karen sucked to get percocets. HE WANTS SPECIFICS, DAMMIT. john hems and haws yet again and wow he thought he could just say that wild shit with nothing to back it up and the judge was gonna say “ok cool?” come on! also i’m not a fucking snitch but you better believe that if i watched my roommate bust it open for a handful of hydrocodone i would at the very least make note of the time and the date??? what if shit gets litigious????? “you can’t give me specifics? that means i don’t believe you!” crows the judge, and i agree!

karen says the biggest mistake of her life was letting a drug dealer move into her house. wait wait wait a fucking minute hold the motherfucking phone: this dude is accusing her of being a drug addict while he is *checks notes* a fucking drug dealer?! THIS IS RICH. do whatever you want man but the guy who bakes cakes can’t be shady to the woman who wants to eat them! what in the world!!!!!!!!! anyway karen says that john was a sweet and respectful kid who needed a place to stay so she let him move in with her, her husband, and her son.

one day the son goes to his parents and tells them he thinks john is a drug dealer. karen says she knew he was a pothead and was cool with that and told her son to piss off. but the son (who is in the witness chair in court today) said that it was more than that, there was a constant stream of “nice cars” coming to the house and john would leave, go around the block with them for five minutes, then come back. umm, sounds like the dope man to me!

karen says that one day john was arrested for selling “a substance that appeared to be molly” and weed on camera at the casino while driving a car that was registered in her name. you know i don’t really mean “why come on this show” when i say it because otherwise what the hell would this newsletter be about, BUT: why did john come on this damn show? he couldn’t have thought karen would not mention the arrest he unintentionally roped her into, could he??????????? john says he was arrested and charged with “everything that was in the car” (you mean the drugs you were trying to sell?) and greg asks him if he’s been arrested any other time and he says no. karen immediately pipes up and says that yes john has been arrested many other times and she has copies of all the police reports in her handy looseleaf evidence folder™ and boy i am flabbergasted at this. why would john choose to open this rotten can of worms?

john has a printed-out loan agreement detailing (oh now he wants to get specific???) when and how he lent karen $4000 to get a car. karen says she should’ve known it was a bad idea when, instead of a bank, john went to his “storage unit” to get her the money. again i must ask, completely sans judgment: why did this young man bring this case in front of a television judge? we all know people with shoebox money or freezer money and the thing about those people is they don’t do shit like sue you in court! bust your car windows out? sure. complain to judge judy that their coke money went missing? absolutely not!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i’m gonna spare y’all the agony of this loan story (it involves a PT cruiser, if that’s any indication) and boil it down to this: car money and rent money and partial paybacks and arrests and more drugs and snoooooze i.e. john gave karen money and she conveniently decided that she wasn’t going to pay it back because it was dirty money and what was this kid gonna do, sue her on behalf of the weed kingpin? no one could be that foolish, right???? lmao wrong!

the ruling: karen says “as soon as i found out it was drug money and he was trying to launder it through me, which i believe is an illegal activity, i’m not giving him no more money. i’m just not. i stopped paying him as soon as i found out it was drug money. so idk if that’s right or not, your honor, but that’s what i did.” greg smiles smugly and confirms “THAT’S RIGHT.” case dismissed!!!!!!!!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “sir, did this happen, this incident at the casino? this incident she’s describing so...specifically?”

*bangs gavel*