who's on judge mathis today? #183

a books/snacks/softcore mini letter

plaintiff: tracy from chicago, illinois. tracy is wearing an extremely chic kelly green fitted top with black accents on the short sleeves and folded collar, rectangular glasses with ornate side decorations, and her shoulder length hair is bumped at the ends and is glimmering with those coppery orange highlights all our aunties had in the late 80s. *cranks up al b sure on the boombox*

defendant: gregory from chicago, illinois. gregory looks like a tough-as-nails high school football coach straight out of central casting. he’s nine feet tall with a big belly and also looks like he could fuck an offensive lineman UP. he’s rocking the quintessential bald head goatee black man combo, and i’m not kidding he is such a freaking giant that his accordion of truth™ looks like a post-it.

the complaint: tracy is suing her husband (hello????? what about spousal privilege or whatever?), whom she kicked out because he was a cheater, for unpaid tickets and emotional distress. lmao is the cheating not reason enough to get him the fuck up outta here? she wins, case closed!

what does she want: $3000!!! and because we live in hell my man is countersuing his wife for $3000 (mm hmm) for “loans and emotional distress.” this should be a riot!

how it went down: tracy’s opening statement: “I’M HERE BECAUSE GREGORY STILL LOVES ME AND WILL NOT DIVORCE ME.” gross! tracy says that they have been separated for ten years (!!!!!!!) and gregory won’t sign the divorce papers, and not to be a practical asshole but omg what the hell do they do at tax time??? every tax season i’m weeping over a tower of incorrect forms i printed off irs dot gov, screaming, “married filing WHAT???” over and over until i break down and text the accountant the night before our shit is due, i cannot imagine dealing with that and a (rightfully) hostile counterpart????? just sign the papers, man!

gregory interjects to say that he signed the divorce papers ten years ago when he left tracy (prompting tracy to re-interject that she told him to leave, he didn’t leave her) and gave her the money to file. oh no is this one of those tortuous, never-ending relationships where the fighting is the thing that keeps them together? imagine wasting a decade fighting with the same old dude about the same old shit. i’d rather be dropped into an active volcano!!!!!!!!!!!! tracy says that gregory was cheating on her with another woman and when she told him he had to make a choice he said “i can’t” and she told him to get the fuck out.

the two of them go back and forth about who is still in love with whom (while judge mathis eggs them on, naturally) and it is so boring i want to cry. i mean, it’s exciting because they are shouting, but the thought of all this dry arguing with someone you broke up with ten years ago??? it’s actually causing me physical pain. tracy says that she’s tried multiple times to serve gregory with divorce papers but he won’t give her his address, while gregory yells at the judge that he won’t give her his address because “your honor, she’s crazy.”

“how so?” asks greg, leaning back in his chair. gregory says that once when he was short on the money for his son’s basketball fees tracy came to where he was hanging out with his homeboys and chased him in her car on the sidewalk while screaming at him about the money. the judge is like “is that true? you coulda killed him!” and tracy hesitates before saying, “yeah...but i only did it because he was out there trying to show off for his little friends.” you know what? fine.

gregory starts calling tracy crazy again and you know i don’t get down with THAT. the judge asks him why and his response is basically “she just is.” he then goes on to talk about how he doesn’t bother her and doesn’t want to be with her and he’s just trying to live with his new girlfriend and there three children and this asshole might really be convincing if, oh i don’t know, he wasn’t saying all this shit in the presence of his wife. you know what might make you even happier, dawg? a divorce!!!!!!

tracy says that gregory got a bunch of tickets on a car they own and she’s called him several times to get the money for them but he always sends her to voicemail. the tickets finally got to the point where they were overdue and the city started to garnish her paychecks because apparently you can’t owe the city while working for the city. ain’t that a bitch? additionally, tracy says gregory has called her job multiple times over the years lying about her and filing false reports and trying to get her fired. okay i know i’ve been biased in tracy’s favor from the jump but come on nobody is gonna try to vehicular manslaughter your ass over a uniform fee or some shit! she’s had years of built up rage to get out of her system!!!!

the ruling: greg asks gregory what his countersuit is for and he says, “harassment! emotional distress! years of her calling me and calling me!” hold up, you can sue someone for that??????? SEE YOU IN COURT, VISA.

tracy gives judge mathis a bunch of paperwork that proves that her husband has been dodging both her and her divorce attorney for years, then greg gives us all a lesson in how to get divorced from an unwilling party (a default judgment!) and i know you think i just watch this show for fun but see? this shit is educational as hell. anyway tracy is gonna have to really learn how to get one of those, because that’s the only way she’s gonna get any money out of greg, as they are still married and everything either of them has is considered a joint asset. i knew you couldn’t sue your current spouse!!!!! anyway, see y’all on judge mablean.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “ma’am, his not paying that $25 or whatever does not deserve the death penalty!” AGREE TO DISAGREE, YOUR HONOR.

*bangs gavel*