who's on judge mathis today? #185

a dumb recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: larry from st louis, missouri. y’all know i would lie down on the tracks in front of an oncoming train for a man in a sharply cut suit, but i am slowly warming up to men in sweater vests over dress shirts as a thing? it’s like, “i’m dressed up, but i’m also cozy as hell and sparing you from my nipples.” larry has chosen a chestnut brown sweater vest over a white dress shirt for court today, and his bald milk dud head is gleaming beneath the fluorescent TV lights. i wonder what kind of scalp oil he uses!

defendant: lakeisha from st louis, missouri. i gasped so hard when lakeisha walked into the courtroom i almost threw up my esophagus, because homegirl looks i n c r e d i b l e: lakeisha is rocking a christopher “kid” reid circa 1989 high top fade that’s, like, twelve inches tall (??????), a casket sharp black suit, and a glittery statement necklace and i am fucking speechless. somebody get me her barber’s number!

the complaint: larry is suing his ex for stolen property!

what does he want: $3003 a number that is so hilariously specific that i would love to see how he came up with it??? lakeisha is countersuing (ah hell naw, not that!) for $1500 for harassment.

how it went down: larry says he started dating lakeisha and a month after they met she and her two sons moved in with him. he says that they were together for seven months, at the end of which she discovered she was pregnant, and then lakeisha left larry to get back with her ex-boyfriend. larry says that he and lakeisha decided to remain “casual friends” (WHAT) and that he “would call her to see how the pregnancy was going and she would call [him] to see if he had any money,” and honestly that’s how shit should work!!!!!!!! larry seems cooler about that than i expected him to be??? so hat’s off to larry! although………………………if he had put a different kind of hat on then maybe they wouldn’t be in this mess.

lakeisha’s pregnancy was complicated and the baby didn’t make it, but larry and lakeisha decided to remain friends anyway. this is so nice and also surprisingly progressive? i want to be hopeful but also i am bracing myself for how bad it’s going to be when the other shoe drops, because if they were that cool they could figure out how to work this shit out at home.

larry says that through a mutual friend he happened to meet lakeisha’s daughter (omgomgomgomgomg) and he had no idea she was lakeisha’s daughter (PLEASE) until after he started banging her (hahaha i’m gonna puke) and went to her house to drop off some toilet paper and lakeisha came out to collect it (scratch that i’m gonna die). HOLY SHIT, DUDE. while i love anyone who brings much-needed asshole supplies to their lover’s home, i don’t know what to feel about pulling up with a walgreens bag to discover that your girlfriend is the fucking daughter of your ex-girlfriend??? I WOULD’VE SHITTED ALL IN MY CAR. i mean, thank god he had the toilet paper handy but damn!

also i never would’ve called either of them ever again. i mean, i’m not religious at all but some shit just feels like hell, you know? like some activities just feel like hell behavior to me and so i don’t do them, for example, being rude to customer service people or STICKING MY PENIS IN MY EX-LADY’S KID. larry, undeterred, kept seeing lakeisha’s daughter even after he knew the deal. lmao that’s fucking satanic!

lakeisha finally gets a turn and says when she met larry she had a boyfriend she was “madly in love with” but larry pursued her pretty hard and also he was a drug dealer with a lot of money so lakeisha kicked the love of her life to the curb for a man who would eventually bone her oldest child. lakeisha says she and larry had been friends for years and years so there’s no way he didn’t know that was her daughter, and ugh i just thought about how he probably compared them sexually in his head and just vomited my spleen into my lap, why is life such a horrorshow!!!!!!!

larry says he spent a weekend with lakeisha’s daughter and at one point he left his house to “go help a friend” (honestly, a weed and charmin delivery service sounds like an incredible idea???????? let me get larry’s email so we can go on shark tank) and when he came home a few hours later several of his items were missing. he made a post on facebook about it and says lakeisha immediately responded with “who robbed you?” which struck him as suspicious. he said “your daughter” and she’s better than me because i would’ve said something fucked up like “hahaha i taught her how to do that.”

greg is like “wait, if her daughter stole something from you then why are you suing her?????????” and then larry says maybe the funniest thing i have ever heard in my life: “because lakeisha tried to sell my stolen items back to me.” THE HEARTY GUFFAW I JUST LET OUT. sorry babe, but all is fair in love and sleeping with my kid! lakeisha says that yes she texted him that but it was a joke and she only did it because he wouldn’t stop harassing her and all her kids with incessant texts and calls. i’m sorry but this is so fucking funny i’m crying. anytime anyone asks me for literally anything i’m gonna respond “i could sell it to you” and just wait for them to get mad and sue me over it. “sam, can i borrow your charger?” i’ll sell it to you! “sam, will you cut me a piece of that cake you just made?” i’ll sell it to you!!!! “sam, can you drop by with some drugs and toilet paper?” bitch i will sell it to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the ruling: the judge reads larry’s printed out text sheets™ aloud and not only does lakeisha say she’s kidding she also says her daughter is a known thief????????? she’s like, “oh, she stole from you? she steals from me all the time, get in line” and this is so perfect i could scream. i love when people are brutally honest about their bad ass kids! judge mathis tells larry that he can’t sue her for theft if 1 she wasn’t at his house and 2 he can’t prove she had possessions of his stolen property!! come on man, i’m a moron and even i know that??????? you can’t haul a bitch into court just because she’s related to the criminal, no matter how many matching dna strands they share!!!!!!!! larry’s case is dismissed, as is lakeisha’s, both for lack of evidence. good luck to them, i’m about to go watch mommy dead and dearest for the 99th time to watch two people who got the whole mother-daughter thing right.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “he’s not the dope man, he’s the toilet paper man!”

*bangs gavel*