who's on judge mathis today? #186

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: maigan from los angeles, california. maigan is dressed in my preferred uniform, shapeless black pajamaclothes that make you look like a pile of sentient dark laundry. you know, i’ve fucked around with bright and colorful clothes on occasion and while theoretically i’ve enjoyed them every time i catch my actual reflection in a mirror i always do a double take like “who is she and why is she wearing that???” and since i recently promised myself (and my bank account) that i would stop buying (and keeping) absolutely useless aspirational clothing (“one day i’ll wear that overpriced bright pink jumpsuit that is kinda too short in the torso and definitely too snug in the arms!” - me, a liar) i am all in on maigan’s ensemble today: a possible shirt and a maybe cardigan that are multiple shades of black and indistinguishable from one another. SHE LOOKS GODDAMN GREAT.

defendant: loreal from dallas, texas. i’m gonna hazard a guess that these two maybe go to the same hair braider, because they are both wearing thick, gorgeous braids pulled into high ponies and they look incredible. every time i see someone with beautiful, meticulously cared for braids i’m always like “damn what must it be like to love yourself that much” because i can hardly be bothered to run a brush across my bare scalp, let alone tend to a beautiful garden of woven hair every day????? when i could instead be lying down?????????????? i will never think that highly of myself!!

the complaint: maigan is suing her cousin for unpaid rent and damaged property.

what does she want: $5000??? alright now this is why i got up this morning!!!!!!!! countersuit filed oh hell yeah: loreal would like $1200 for stolen property.

how it went down: maigan says that she and loreal are cousins but they’re more like sisters, to which i say “wow i’m so sorry!” my oldest sister has taken to doing this thing where she sends me a very grave-seeming text (usually just my name, “SAMMY,” in all caps) with zero context or explanation, so when i see it five hours after the fact because i never check my fucking phone i instantly have a heart attack while the contents of my stomach liquefy and i scramble to text her back to find out what the problem is, like who is dead or in jail or what. and you wanna know what the problem always is???? “just saying hi!” EVERY SINGLE TIME. anyway, sisterhood is overrated.

maigan says that loreal needed a place to stay so she let her move into the place she shared with her boyfriend. maigan says it didn’t take long for “an inappropriate relationship” to begin forming, that a couple weeks after she moved in loreal was walking around the house in super-short shorts and sending her man sexy texts. greg asks her to elaborate and maigan says she caught them sending “dingaling and cooca” photos to each other, which is hilarious because it made me wonder ARE THEY TODDLERS?????????

but of course they aren’t because toddlers can’t get cell phones! maigan says that she confronted her boyfriend about the wee wee pics and suspected *inserts index finger into and out of a fist made by the opposite hand* and he denied it at first but then caved under pressure and copped to the whole thing. she extracts from her accordion of truth™ a sheaf of printed out text sheets™ in which said boyfriend confirms that yes he was attempting to bone her sister-cousin but it’s okay because he just wanted to use her!!!!!!!!!!! maigan dumped him immediately.

loreal says that she loves maigan so much that she has her name tattooed on her chest. as the mayor of shitty tattoo town i gotta interject that okay maaaaaybe that means a lot but also some people just put whatever dumb thing on their bodies just to, ahem, have fun and look interesting? it ain’t gotta be that deep! i would get your name (yes, yours!) tattooed on me right this minute if you suggested it in a hilarious way!! anyway, loreal says maigan’s ex is a fucking buster (my words) who was never good enough for her cousin and she (loreal) never had any interest in him whatsoever. loreal produces her own printed out text sheets™ and there is a treasure trove of very recent texts from dude trying to entice her, including one asking her to come over and “touch [him]” (haha YUCK) and her vicious response is going to be my new out of office message: “you’re dusty, you’re broke, and you’re a joke.”

the judge starts closely reading all the printed out text evidence and discovers that homeboy never really admitted to sleeping with loreal, he just admitted to doggedly pursuing her for sex. and in loreal’s printed out texts she is clearly rebuking his advances and calling him everything but a child of god for wanting to put his doodle in her pee-pee, so greg turns to maigan and is like “you fell out with your sister-cousin because your boyfriend was [a huge, festering piece of shit]?! she didn’t even do anything! that stinks!!!!!!!!!” and he’s right!

the ruling: maigan says that loreal stopped paying rent around the time her dusty ass ex got caught trying to push up on her and seriously if your man sucks and you accuse me of thirsting after him just because you saw me wearing some booty shorts on my way to the bathroom i might stop paying rent, too! loreal says she had every intention of paying maigan her money but then a pair of earrings passed down to her from their grandmother went missing and she was like “on second thought…nah.”

greg asks loreal why he thinks maigan took the earrings when dusty, a proven scumbag, was in the house, too? loreal doesn’t have an answer and it’s too bad my man isn’t in court today because i would love to see greg absolutely lose his shit on him, because come on you know he took them!!! he’s probably in an la pawn shop right now arguing about the value of that poor dead lady’s uncut gems!!!!!!!!! since loreal doesn’t have any concrete proof that maigan stole her earrings and maigan has proof (eg a printed out facebook status™) in which loreal says she’ll run her the money she owes her when she’s good and ready, judge mathis has no choice but to rule in maigan’s favor. here’s hoping she takes that money and gets a new phone so dusty can’t send her any late night “you up?” pictures of his peanuts and winky.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “‘ding dong’ and ‘chi chi’ pictures????? i don’t know what all that is but it sounds BAD!”

*bangs gavel*