who's on judge mathis today? #187

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated court show of all time

plaintiff: brian from montgomery, alabama. ok so the minute my man entered the courtroom i was immediately transported back to 1987, back to the end of the third pew at fisher memorial ame zion church in evanston, illinois, staring at the back of my grandmother’s good wig while trying not to fall asleep or forget the words to the apostles’ creed. brian looks like he just left the usher meeting after service, in a sweater-dress shirt-tie combo under a heavy black doubled-breasted sport coat, his bald head gleaming with anointed oil, his belly filled with tasteless communion wafers. i bet he smells like frankincense and myrrh!

defendant: ralph from montgomery, alabama. ralph looks like a 90s r&b singer and i am crying laughing. he even has the disconnected soul patch thing going on. somewhere a dru hill tribute band is missing its bass player!

the complaint: brian is suing for lost wages and assault after an altercation with the defendant.

what does he want: $5000, in jesus’ name.

how it went down: good evening, saints! brian, whose voice is extremely sexy and deep, says he met ralph through his ex-wife, who owns the salon where ralph is a barber. brian says that one easter sunday his life came crashing to an end: he lost his wife, lost his family, lost his home, and got beat down by ralph not just one but two different times. brother, that really sucks, but maybe if you would’ve just chilled out in a cave for a few days your life would have…………………….resurrected?

brian says that on easter sunday cops came to the church to arrest him (holy smokes!) and he won’t say why but whatever the charge was it wasn’t that bad, because he bonded out later that afternoon. he says no one was answering his calls, so he had to walk all the way home from jail, and when he finally arrived he discovered his wife moving everything out of the house. he said to her “oh, this is how it’s gonna be?” and i think i speak for her and all the rest of us when i say HELL YEAH BROTHER. whoever this woman is, i salute her. we can’t just, like, go back to making rice-a-roni and scheduling HVAC maintenance when the police dragged you out of church in handcuffs on easter!!!! sorry babe, but i gave up criminals for lent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ralph jumps in. he says that on the day of the risen christ brian was indeed arrested at church, ralph is a member there as well, and that his soon-to-be ex-wife slash ralph’s boss at the salon was coincidentally moving out of their house that day, and ralph had offered to help her move. ralph says that brian showed up to the house after he got out of jail but there was a restraining order against him so the ex-wife told him to leave. brian said he’d leave as soon as he got his car, and someone else from the church (churches are 100% like irl melrose place, sheesh) drove up in it. brian launched himself at the car in a rage and tried to jump through the window? but he’s a big dude so he didn’t fit, and ralph took the opportunity to wrestle him out of the car and into a chokehold, resulting in ralph passing out on the concrete. i’m sorry but this is hilarious, especially because these men were probably still wearing the wingtips they shined up for the lord, choking each other out in their seersucker easter suits on somebody’s front lawn. lord have mercy!

okay so brian was knocked out but then he got back up [insert donnie mcclurkin’s “we fall down, but we get up”] and, undeterred, tried to get into the house again. ralph and the deacon (idk if he is one but whatever) tag team brian again while his ex-wife calls the police. brian says he rolled under the car to get away from their fists and also called the police (on himself???) and laid there until they arrived. when the cops got there they yelled at him (of course!) and told him to get his belongings and leave, and i feel like the holes in this story (why was he arrested? what was the restraining order for!?) have got to be for some very dark shit, otherwise they’d be talking about it. or maybe they just have discretion, which is a lesson i absolutely should learn.

the ruling: turns out brian attempted to press charges (???) against ralph for that roddy piper sleeper hold he put him in and tries to tell the judge that ralph was found guilty of assault but ralph, who really is smooth and put together and has a very appealing jesus energy, immediately snatches a sheet of paper out of his accordion of truth™ and it’s some kind of law paper (i’m so sorry) that proves that a judge declared him innocent because he was doing self-defense. nice try, brian! dude really is kind of a mess, huh?

brian has a witness and he stands up and says a whole lot of words but the most important ones are “ralph was just trying to help and break the situation up” and i’m sorry but if the guy you brought is essentially testifying against you????????? you’re done! and judge mathis agrees: case dismissed. giving thanks and praise to the most high god, let the congregation say amen.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you go to church all the time and you work in a salon??? damn, you must love gossip!”

*bangs gavel*