who's on judge mathis today? #189

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: shearie from chicago, illinois. as a person currently sitting at her desk in a carhartt shirt she purchased because it’s the same kind action bronson wears my opinion on fashion should obviously be taken with the tiniest grain of salt, BUT: shearie’s outfit is so fucking cute. it’s very busy, and i love to look at people wearing busy clothes. i don’t have the confidence to wear anything other than a black sweatshirt at all times, so i really appreciate a person in a bright clashing pattern or whatever. they always look so free and happy! anyway, shearie is wearing a high-waisted leopard print skirt with a wide waistband, a turtleneck crop top (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) with gold chains, and a cherry red cardigan over it all. plus her hair is dyed platinum blonde and her lips are glossed and her nails are right and just imagining feeling this free in my own body makes me want to cry. an icon!!

defendant: rhian from chicago, illinois. speaking of feeling extremely fucking free, my man strolls into the courtroom in an untucked shiny denim shortsleeved shirt (read that again) with a short green necktie, and every time i watch this show and think to myself “this is real court!” i’ll see some shit like this and immediately think “NO IT’S NOT.” rhian has long, beautiful dreads and cool ass glasses and he keeps looking over at shearie and licking/biting his lips in an extremely sexy way and i bet i can guess why she gave him money!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the complaint: shearie says she loaned rhian money to help him get back on his feet (UH OH), but was never repaid so she’s suing for the unpaid loan.

what does she want: $5000??? HELL YEAH BROTHER

how it went down: shearie says that she’s known rhian for three years and they dated off and on during that time. rhian immediately, i mean as the “d” in the word dated is coming off shearie’s glossy lips, starts shaking his head “no.” if i know hot men with tattoos and dreads, i am 100% certain that his issue is not with the “three years” of it all. shearie says that one day she went over to rhian’s house and discovered a used condom, and that was the beginning of the end of their relationship. rhian calls her “inspector gadget” and i’m so sorry to side with a man but that really made me laugh! i loved that cartoon!!!!!!!!

greg asks shearie why she’d distrusted rhian, asks what he’d done to make her snoop through his belongings, and she says (with an eerie calm) in regards to the spermy condom, “oh, i didn’t have to go looking for that.” ew, dude. i’m not going to pretend i’ve never had to go on a fishing expedition to locate a cum balloon from where it had gotten lost near my cervix but man if you can see the condom then you can throw away the condom! just leaving it on the bedspread or wherever is gross!!! shearie says that when confronted with the dna evidence (vomit) rhian said that the condom belonged to his friend. excuse me??????? what are the parameters of the friendships people are out here having???????????????

shearie says she cussed him out and fell asleep, then woke up to a dozen roses, which was his typical move after pissing her off. i missed what she said after this because the camera shifted a little bit and i saw my old landlord sitting in the audience behind shearie and i dropped dead for a few seconds?????? MISS BONNER, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING AT MY FAVORITE SHOW. anyway, shearie says that they shifted their relationship from “boyfriend” to “platonic” after the condom incident, and come on now…………………………….why!

rhian says that the only reason shearie brought him to court today is because “she misses the tornado, the twister i used to put on her.” now, that may be true, not everyone is gifted in the hip department, but if you want a dude to bang you you could just call him up and ask him. just like when i want the dog to do something i shake the treat jar in the air and he (usually) does it, if you want a man, especially one who refers to his penis as a “twister,” to come over for sex then all you have to do is wiggle your treat jar? no one is going to all this trouble just to fuck a dude!

greg asks shearie how she let this fuckboy get $5000 out of her (rhian, sotto voce: “because of tornado and twister”) and she says that when they met rhian presented himself as a businessman: he owned clothing stores and lived in a high rise downtown near the lake and drove a porsche and seemed like the kind of dude who was savvy and had his shit together, so when he asked her for some help she thought nothing of it. okay, maybe the twister is as good as he says because if someone who has a porsche asks me for anything other than directions i’m gonna be like “SIR!?”

she had no idea he’d lost his business and his fancy crib when he asked her for the money, so she lent it to him without a second thought because she assumed she’d get it right back. greg, always starting shit smh, says “well you two must not have been dating, since you didn’t know this about him.” shearie says that rhian put up a front, and greg counters that if they’d actually been close like she says she would’ve known that. i beg to differ, i mean you can live with a person and still not know everything about them?, but i get his point.

shearie says that she gave rhian $5400 ($5000 is the max you can sue for in small claims court says me, a reality television lawyer) and he said he was going to “invest it” and “give [her] the money back in a week.” yo, i hate this. if you need money for food or clothes or a car note or your dealer or whatever then fine, but “investments” are the kind of thing you should do when you already have some money! investing is for people who aren’t broke!!!!!!!!! (i have zero investments and i never will, unless you count all the blushes from pat mcgrath currently rotting away in my desk drawer.)

rhian says he took the money but he doesn’t feel like he should have to pay it back because shearie wanted a relationship and he didn’t, and if those are the rules????? let me call the honda dealership and let them know that we aren’t a couple so i’m gonna go ahead and stop paying them for my car. shearie says they spent holidays and shit together, does that not a relationship make? rhian says she gave him the money as a gift, and then greg says “did you ask her for it?” and he waffles before admitting that yeah, he did. shearie also adds that a week after she loaned him the money he changed his phone number and deleted his social media moved out of his apartment (!!!) to avoid her and come on, my guy. you wasted all that dick money on a move and a phone plan????? FIRING SQUAD.

the ruling: shearie pulls a bunch of printed out text messages™ from her accordion of truth™ and greg reads aloud the following: “you dumb bitch, i was bringing your money this morning but since your mouth is so foul and you’re so tough i ain’t giving you shit. you really don’t know me, punk bitch.” wow, man! that’s horrible! you can’t talk to a lady in a glamorous leopard skirt like that and get away with it!!!!!!!! duh judgment for the plaintiff, and i wish all losing sex twister defendants a very bill paxton chasing them through the midwest.

did doyle the bailiff say anything fucked up to anyone: “oh they were close, but only during tornado season.”

*bangs gavel*